Saturday, September 15, 2012

Troll (1986)

Have you ever thought to yourself....?...
'I really want to watch a movie about an adolescent boy being introduced to the world of magic.  And I want it to be coming-of-age, but not too young - I mean, I want there to be some darkness. And it would be really nice if the boy was named something like...Harry. Harry Potter! That's the one.'
Well have I got the movie for you. Troll! That's the one! No, but seriously, this 1986 creature feature explores the adventures of young Harry Potter Jr. while he battles the evils of a very promiscuous and fecund troll who moves into the building. And what good luck, this Harry Potter character is played by the most delectable of 80's youth = Noah Hathaway - that's Atreyu from The NeverEnding Story! I can't believe it. No, I mean, I really can't believe it since I didn't even recognize him, despite the fact that Atreyu was my most major of celebrity crushes back in the day. I guess it's true: I really do like a guy with long hair. Well, I will leave Harry Potter for all you other lonesome 80's celebrity-crushless chicas - and he's a good catch! He's got a magic staff! He's friends with an old lady who keeps a dopey mushroom as a pet! He lives in the same apartment complex as Sonny Bono!

(Peter Dickinson: You have the distinction of owning the only two children in the entire building. 

Harry Potter Sr.: Oh, we don't own 'em, we just rent! 

Peter Dickinson: Well, let me give it to you straight Harry Boy! You see, I am a single, unattached guy. And I live upstairs, right above you. Now, I'm into swinging, and children having pillow fights at all hours of the night while I'm trying to score, may cause a few strikeouts, you get me Harry Boy!)

Let's see...what else is awesome about Harry Potter...  Oh yeah = He doesn't have to worry about his annoying little sister anymore because she's been possessed by a randy troll! And he might even get to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus butt-nude naked! There's not even a need to go outside to find a park, or entertainment, because his building has got that back-to-nature/growing a garden of singing trolls thing going on! Wow, he's got everything! Come on ladies, sign up sheet just this way! 

"I recognized your knock. It's pre-pubescent"

Final Judgement: "This creature-feature is definitely a keeper!/Warwick Davis has got some competition!/Nothing creeps me out more than slimy singing puppets!/This one's for Artax!!!" 

Also, Warwick was in H.P. while Fondacaro ruled Troll = the battle continues!