This Mortal Coil

On Deadly Ground (1994)

2012-01-02T10:43:00.001-08:00

Steven Seagal asks the tough questions in this oil-tycoon, Alaskan Eskimo thriller. Yes, questions like "what does it take to change the essence of a man?," and "how much money is enough?" - all in his slightly urban youth, slightly Native, always slow and smooth, Seagal accent. 'How did Seagal's spiritual tendencies shine through as Forrest, the extra top-secret problem solver with a nasty attitude and vision quest memories of him wrestling a bear to death?,' you ask = Oh it's easy when Seagal gets to direct the piece. That's right, this is the action diva's directorial debut, rife with both morals and explosions, a perfect combination in any decade. 'But how did he get that gig?,' you press on...Well, in 1994, in the height of Seagal mania, Warner Bros. just couldn't say 'no' to an 'Under Siege 2,' even if it meant handing over the helm to the madman himself. Let's see....crunch some numbers here and...well, with the first Under Siege bringing in over $120 million in box office profits, I can see why they took the gamble. On Deadly Ground got a $50 million budget and lost $12 in the box office. But that $12 was gained back during the $45 million profit of Under Siege 2, leaving them with a tidy $33 million and rentals. Not bad, not great, and probably why Seagal couldn't grab another director's cap during his long and prodigious career. Oh well: he left us with this beauty, and we can always be grateful for that = Medicine man dances, mercenaries, ruthless oil tycoons, breathtaking shots of Alaska, dog sledding and dream sequences, Eskimos, stock footage lectures, titties (? Oh yes, even in Alaska!), bar fights, and explosions, explosions, explosions. Oh yeah, and that dreadful pipe cutter. Oef. It's true, the Eskimos probably aren't really Eskimos. And vision quests probably don't always involve hot, naked chicks. And even Steven Seagal probably can't survive being blown 500 feet from an oil rig explosion. But here, and now, please...just let me believe...I mean, seriously: the guy's a bonafide, real-life hero! Busting bad guys with the law on his side? = Check. Saving cute endangered wildlife? = Check. Getting blessed by Eastern holymen? = Check. He's even got a sexual harassment suit or two on his list! This is as real as it gets my friends!

Besides, even R. Lee Ermey is a little bit scared.

Throw in a dainty and well-manicured Sir Michael Caine, a completely useless Joan Chen, and a super-creepy John McGinley, and you've got yourself a 90's action movie. Even Billy Bob is in this flick, although I must admit that, even knowing that I forgot to notice him. Oh well (I just hope his psychic mother doesn't curse me!)...

And apparently Warner still has a lesson to be learned since they cut poor Seagal's 11 minute rant against gas companies down to a measly 5 minutes.

All in all, I must say this hit the spot like a hot salmon chowder on a cold Alaskan day. So thanks to Señor Salazar for the vehement recommendation.

I deem it: "The pinnacle of Seagal = the Rainbow Warrior is so close to the sun that you can't even feel a chill in the winter tundra of our '3rd world state'!/Seagal is so kick-ass, they couldn't even make up a story to justify his awesomeness!/Steven Seagal: standing up for the underdogs of the world, whether they be victims of racism or just victims of pony-tail hatred!/Alaska, here I come!"

Ps. You know that Seagal is in law enforcement reality TV now, right? Also, could anyone besides himself have written this over-the-top imdb bio?
"Steven Seagal is a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome looking (often with ponytail) and usually impeccably dressed action star who burst onto the martial arts film scene in 1988 in the fast-paced Warner Bros. film Above the Law (1988). The enigmatic Seagal commenced his martial arts training at the age of seven under the tutelage of well-known karate instructor and author Fumio Demura, and in the 1960s commenced his aikido training in Orange County, CA, under the instruction of Harry Ishisaka.....Unbeknownst to many, in 1997 Seagal publicly announced that one of his Buddhist teachers, His Holiness Penor Rinpoche, had accorded Seagal as a tulku, the reincarnation of a Buddhist Lama. This initial announcement was met with some disbelief until Penor Rinpoche himself gave a confirmation statement on Seagal's new title. Seagal has repeatedly discussed his involvement in Buddhism and how he devotes many hours studying and meditating this ancient Eastern religion."

Pps. I couldn't find any good pictures of that naked vision quest scene. In fact, I couldn't even find any pictures of Steven Seagal naked - the only thing that came up was a disturbing photo of a naked mole rat (...I guess it could have been Seagal...). But hopefully these blurry Native pics (spot the fake Eskimo!) will serve to titillate at least slightly.

Neon Maniacs (1985)

2011-12-03T10:15:00.001-08:00

Well...imdb actually says 1986, but I'm going with my super-awesome VHS tape on this one. Seriously, have you seen the DVD cover?? - It's a joke. This movie; oh, this movie. It has been sitting on my shelf since the early days of San Francisco, patiently waiting for its moment to shine. And that moment came when my favorite roommate and friendly bandmate (oh yes, I am in a band. We are called The Sunset Warriors) made his exit from my residence, leaving me slightly more alone and without instant musical companionship. But in a night of reluctant celebration, Neon Maniacs shined like the vibrant 80's signs it titularly embraces. Set in golden San Francisco, this horrendously hilarious horror flick brings just about everything one could want from a creature-feature to the table. The Scooby-Doo-loving porno fiend of a director, Joseph Mangine, did quite nicely with his $1.5 million. "Explain yourself," you might be thinking. Well, one look at Mr. Mangine's imdb page will explain the 'porno fiend' comment (although, with a name like that, how can you blame him?). The SD is only so apparent after watching this, his one big-screen manifesto (to be fair, he was DP of the immortally esteemed film, The Sw ord an d the Sorcerer = I guess I always knew deep down there was a working relationship between the dirtydown industry and B-list Hollywood sci-fi) . At first I was going with the whole bargain bin Costume Shop explanation for the bizarre range of so-called mutants. I mean, we've got a Native American, an electro-man, a cyclops alien with a hook, an evil doctor, a caveman, a ghoul with a conquistador helmet, a noose man, a biker with a chain....And all these dudes are zombied out of course. It's like Mangine rounded up all of the Scooby-Doo villains he could find and brought them to life in the 80's to slice and dice kids with sex on the brain. Seriously, what's with the PSA? I guess being around all those pornos makes Mangine aching to do a little broadcasting of his own. Talk of virginity? Talk of birth control? And getting hacked up for making it in the park? I'm sensing a message here....right? But for all that, even in the glory of the 80's, we only get the slightest flash of tit. It's as if they forgot to edit it out - or perhaps they thought they could slide it by the editors as a little gift for their most loyal of fans? I'll take that one please, thank you very much (and how well it was received = yes, someone has screen captured that one 3 frame moment of bliss for our eternal pleasure). But back to that budget: the costumes are pretty good, so that's why I discarded the 'back alley costume shop' theory. I'm actually guessing that's where most of this budget went to - that and the sweet, vintage Muni chase scene. Oh man, I bet that Muni symbol was so trippy back in the day...But you've got to cut costs somewhere, and i'm guessing it's with actor time. The lead mamajama, Leilani Sarelle, has only two modes in this movie - blank and sad. Combined with the fact that her hair starts pretty curly in the film (like 80's poodle curly) and gradually become less and less enthusiastic, eventually ending as straight as middleaged cat lady in Minnesota that had me wondering if I was watching the same actress, I'd give it 2 days tops that this chick was on set. Ok, I'm being a little harsh. But why is she trying to lose the big V at a battle of the bands a day after all of her friends were brutally hacked and hung to pieces (that noose gets a lot of play - the danger of hanging out in wooded areas I guess....)? And that battle of the bands....fish net, big hair thrashers vs. floozy sharp-shouldered crooners? I looked up the singer actually, just for kicks. He's moved on to much bigger and better things. So, if you're ever looking for some scrimshaw work, be sure and give Rick Bowles a call. Actually, most of the movie is filled with the beautiful lullaby of requisite synth. We get to truly appreciate it during the 3rd version of the opening credits. Ok, to be completely fair, there's a prologue, a title and theeeennnn the credits. So it's 3 different things. Except that I have no idea why the disembodied voice of the DragonStrike Dungeon Master is giving us a warning about children and death and apocalypse and the future and all that malarky. Be warned, the 80's awaits....

`When the world is ruled by violence, and the soul of mankind fades, the children's path shall be darkened by the shadows of the Neon Maniacs.'
.......as long as it doesn't rain of course......

Final Judgment: "Classic and clearly culturally relevant = everything a Scooby-Doo safe-sex ad in the 80's could ever hope to say!/Get me my curling iron and my time machine!/The mystery of shady side dealings between the porn kingdom and the B-list empire unveiled!

P.s. Check out this super-awesome character study by Bob Wiacek, a minorly mid-level comic book artist = go neon!

Maximum Overdrive (1986)

2011-09-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

Stephen King strikes again with another transportation-themed horror film starring the ever blown-out Emilio Estevez. All of the hair, none of the crazy. Seriously, what is it with King and vehicles? Was he molested by the meatman back in his early years? I'm getting a totally 13-year old vibe from this movie. I don't think it's the Transformers playdate, or even the complete lack of tact. Okay, maybe it's the lack of tact. A field full of dead kids and shit jokes? Where am I? Oh yes, in a land full of comet-powered machines led by a Master Clown Semi and set to a bitchin' AC/DC soundtrack. That's right, they did the whooooole soundtrack. So at least you know the music is good. There are also the other inexplicable but totally palpable elements like random rocket launchers and the fact that everyone seems to be named Bubba. And what about the power of the chest bump? Has it reached to the vast ends of the Intelligent Universe? It seems sort of like King, who both wrote and directed this beauty [did I forget to mention that? awesome, right?!! this is actually the only movie King ever directed], just gave up by the end of the film. I mean, text conclusion? Really? Not too surprising I guess, since this managed to go from a $10 to a $20 million budget when they had to pay out to the Director of Photography who lost an eye on set. That's right, he lost his eye! His money maker! And the most horrific part is that it's almost ironic! Okay, it's totally ironic. In a movie about machines going crazy and killing people, the DoP lost an eye when a remote-controlled lawn mower went crazy and hacked shit up. Back away from the big black cauldron Stephen King! Stop praying to the Dark Side to keep your books hitting the shelves every 6 months! There are other things in life! Whewf. What else....Oh yeah! Yeardley Smith is in this movie! Be warned though: once you start hearing the voice of Lisa Simpson, there's no going back. Also, the quotes are great.
"This machine just called me an asshole!"
"I'll tell you one thing - you sure make love like a hero."
"The whole goddamn world's goin' tits up!"
"Don't you understand! You can't do this! We made you!" Yes. I'm sure we'll be telling that to the robots when they eat our brains.

Final Judgment: "I'm not sure what happened in Stephen King's playroom, but I like it!/Bring on the trucks, gore and big-hair rock!/Save me Cindiana!/Let's rocket launcher those alien assholes back to Hell!!!

Ghost in the Machine (1993)

2011-07-21T18:35:00.000-07:00

This is an absolutely classic, early-90's, B-list, cyber thriller. And believe it or not, there are enough of them to shake out the classics. Ghost in the Machine pulls together some of the most monumental movie themes of the 1990's and sends them flying down the information electron highway. That's right: computers (and all the glorious computer graphics that come with them), serial killers and hip-hop. Oh what a party. I'm glad they included the categorical black character (also classic); otherwise, using "nigger" as a punchline might seem a little inappropriate. So might quotes like, "Listen rookie; it's a whole new ball game since LA - we don't play that sitting duck shit anymore." Thanks Frazer! Your presence has given me a duly needed sense of calm! Sagging pants and sensational soundtrack aside, this flick also brings forth a couple of my favorite ladies. Karen Allen (of Indiana fame) and Jessica Walter (of Arrested Development) class things up with their feisty attitudes and girlish figures. Jessica may be young in this film, but her tea drinking stance never changes! I guess I shouldn't leave out the babysitter, played by Shevonne Durkin, of such masterpieces like Tammy and the T-Rex (omg; why don't I own this?), Magic Kid II and Speedway Junky. I am suddenly reassessing my babysitting career after learning that I should have been charging substantially more for subpar strip shows. It's not too surprising that the cast of females is where it's at, seeing as this flick was directed by Rachel Talalay, the force behind Tank Girl and probably about 5% of the female directing force in Hollywood (I jest, I jest...maybe). Throw in a couple of kids, some sucked-into-the-computer sequences, a car sliding upside down through a cemetery with a hysterically laughing serial killer driver, a few epic "final destination" type death scenes (microwave anyone?) and you've got quite the enjoyable 95 minutes. At least, so says Tesla. Looking at a few of the comments, not everyone agrees. I see some hate. I see some love. And, I see a lot of sarcasm. But my favorite response has to be from the user "chrismulkeyisgod," of London.
" I worry that maybe actual serial killers may use this film to find out about technology, and try to use technology to commit their crime. I can only assume that serial killers do not currently use the internet, so I feel safe right now (for the most part,) but no one can say what the future holds for us. I hope this film is not in our future (though I fear that it may be, especially when I see the news that's going on in the world). I can guarantee that I will no longer allow my children to visit any arcade alone, or buy software for our computer, alone. But even with these preventive measures, I cannot feel safe, now. This film really drives home just how dependent on electricity, and technology we really are (--we are very dependent!!). Bravo to Chris Mulkey et. all for taking on such a brave subject matter. It is about time that someone questioned all of this change that's going on around us. One only has to look at the news going on in the world to see. I suggest you watch this film with your children so that can be more wary too about the safe use of technology."
Thank you Chris Mulkey lover. Thank you for being the reason I have to defend my love of B-list sci-fi/fantasy thrillers. You may not be a dishwasher, but if I could set you to "explode," I would.

"There's no way anyone can kill somebody with a computer." If that was a stretch 18 years ago, I'm afraid to consider our future. Fine London weirdo! - you win this paranoia battle! Who knew that an MRI was the path to immortality? I guess the same person who figured out that internet and electricity are the same thing. Oh people.

Final Judgment: "Gloriously terrifying in a plethora of ways, and an epic encounter with all of the American fears of 1993 = take me back to simpler times!"

*Thanks to videoupdates.net for the photos

Airborne (1993)

2011-06-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how this movie made it past my childhood without stopping in to knock me on the head and proclaim it's awesomeness - I'll go ahead and blame it on the feminine blights of my candy-coated kiddy-hood as a little girl with the sole desire of rocking a wicked mullet. But it has finally dropped by, and my life has clearly been forever changed. What is the goodness that could create such a stirring effect in my discriminating (cough cough) movie brain? Well let me tell you kind gentlesirs. This most excellent piece of cinematic tubularosity is clearly the epitome of everything that was so awesomely radical about the righteous year of 1993. In essence my dudes, it is a time capsule. And not of the terrors of cult warfare, Rodney King and Somalian executions, but instead of all the things that are holy to an adolescent boy. That's right: surfing, skate boarding, rollerblading, hockey, basketball and girrrrls. There's even Seth Green primarily dressed as a goth guerrilla, but willing to undertake the most glorious scene in the move in which he parades around in a flurry of every stereotyped outfit that existed in 1993, all while set to knee-knocking tunes. Oh yeah, and a young Jack Black takes on the role of the quasi(modo)-bully, ready to represent the MidWest in a flurry of jean jackets and bushy eyebrows. Let the games begin.

In summary, I only have one thing to say: To those individuals who are reading this blog in the distant future, I must heartily recommend the moving picture "Airborne" as a stunningly accurate historical representation of life in 1993 for young adolescent, white, males. Use this text as you see fit. And remember: long live the 90's!

Final Judgment: Let us all be stylin'

A Fistful of Fuzz

2011-02-01T10:34:00.001-08:00

Well....lookee here. Following my previous post on For A Few Fuzz Guitars More, I went out and got myself the first fuzz album from DMT. Because, let's face it, one more download location isn't going to kill anyone. Also, I'm in San Francisco, so the local flavor of a lot of these groups makes me feel all warm and (dare I say it) fuzzy on the inside. Hahahaha. I made a funny. A fuzzy funny perhaps? Okay, now I've gone too far. So here's the music. Enjoy my friends. Enjoy.

1. John Doe and the Acetates - "Purple Haze" (3:02)
2. Sound Apparatus - "Travel Agent Man" (3:10)
3. Ruins - "She Doesn't Understand" (2:08)
4. Prodigal - "Reality" (2:08)
5. Journey Back - "Synthetic People" (2:44)
6. Sounds Synonymous - "Tensions" (3:20)
7. Pretty - "The Electric Hand" (4:09)
8. Aliens - "Season of the Witch" (3:36)
9. Ritual - "Speed Freak" (3:20)
10. In-Keepers - "That Was Just His Thing" (3:36)
11. Loos Foos and the Fiberglass Cornflake - "Bless Me Father" (2:54)
12. Flying Circus - "You Really Got Me" (3:18)
13. Denims - "White Ship" (2:45)
14. Don Malena and the Dry Ice - "Land of Summertime" (3:38)
15. Thackeray Rocke - "Bawling" (3:11)
16. Tapestry Garden - "She Needs Love" (2:16)
17. Green Slime - "The Green Slime" (2:19)
18. Peabody Company - "Tobacco Road" (7:09)

DOWNLOAD the tracks here. Just click and save.

For A Few Fuzz Guitars More

2011-02-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

Amidst a sea of chanting in foreign tongues and finger pickin' away, a few lone albums that represent classic American psychedelia grace my ipod. This is one of them. I found it in the stacks of my lovely WPRB and used that oh-so-noble of inventions, the "import" button to bring it warmly into my world (damn you Apple for getting so many shoutouts in this post!). It was only upon further examination, when I decided the CD was actually so awesome that I would pay money for it as a gift for a sibling, that I realized it is a basically non-existent commodity = boooooo. So, just to make sure that we maintain an active download link, here is my musical contribution to that invisible web that oozes information around the world. From what I can gather, For a Few is a actually the sequel to A Fistful of Fuzz, both compilations featuring late-60's hippy psychedelia music that is totally awesome. Overall, the songs are a little anti-war and apocalyptic, which just makes it more epic if you ask me. Both albums were put out by Digital Music Transcendence (DMT).

1. Purple Sun - "Doomsday" (2:43)
2. Velvet Haze - "Last Day on Earth" (2:22)
3. Golden Grass - "Elastic Soldier" (2:16)
4. Bare Facts - "Toy Soldier" (2:37)
5. Ritual - "Walls of My Mind" (2:43)
6. Sherman Marshall - "Purple Haze" (2:37)
7. Smith Vinson - "Hallucinations" (2:21)
8. Rochelle Rosenthal and the Kickball Queen - "Lottery" (2:31)
9. Goodly Rubenson - "Inside Outside" (2:14)
10. Living End - "Sheep" (2:35)
11. Super Band - "Fast-Master" (2:40)
12. Peacepipe - "The Sun Won't Shine Forever" (2:49)
13. Dystraction - "Where Are We Now?" (3:42)
14. Fowl - "You Know" (2:42)
15. White Lightnin' - "Leaves" (3:07)
16. Twiggs - "Moon Maiden" (2:54)
17. Attack - "School Daze" (2:51)
18. Sounds Synonymous - "Babylon" (3:20)
19. Sub - "Ma-Mari-Huana" (4:50)
20. Outrage - "The Letter" (4:38)

To DOWNLOAD, right click and save link as

Mortal Kombat (1995)

2010-12-25T14:43:00.000-08:00

Well....I may not have a beard or a potbelly (not yet at least), but I bring unto thee a gift of Christmas! This glorious film takes its place as perhaps the most perfectly managed videogame to movie adaptation. Yes, Super Mario Bros. can cause swooning disorders, and yes, Resident Evil makes me pickle up in the most pleasant of places, but Mortal Kombat takes its place at the pinnacle of film exultations based on its simplicity. Okay, to be fair...simplicity may not be the first word that comes to mind when thinking of this graciously garish mid-nineties concoction that combines that oh-so-wonderful pair of technologies - over-the-top sets and costumes + early CGI backdrops = lending itself quite cozily to the cheesiest of cheese smears that screams late millennium, hardcore escapism and classic battles of good and evil to save the Universe. But just step back and consider: somehow in all that craziness, Anderson managed to make the weirdos of Mortal Kombat make sense, with a plot that calls for exactly what the game offers - straight up tournament style battles between two awkwardly crazy opponents, working up to the immortal Masterminds controlling this eternal warzone. Did I mention that this all takes place with deliciously delightful techno music and hot babes? Ultimately, this movie needs no verbal description. Instead I present this photojournal essay on the Greatness of Mortal Kombat:

Final Judgment: Garishly great in a way that makes me wish that my desire to live in the 90's extended beyond my movie taste! This TKO'ed my senses like a fiery salsa or a searing curry - and I loved it! This is what movies are all about! = Prepare Yourself!

Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

2010-11-03T09:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I can't believe I haven't written about this movie before, because it's surely one of my all-time favorites. It all started long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, otherwise known as 185 Nassau Hall, Princeton University. It was in that distant place where my rather well-to-do film professor informed the class that Johnny Mnemonic was indeed, the worst Hollywood movie ever made. As he described the futuristic sets, cyberpunk themes, delirious computer graphics, robotic characters (literally) and mix of gratuitous costuming and colored lighting, I knew it was love at first sight. I'm sorry Mr. Sanborn, but this here movie might be one of the most glorious things to ever saunter delicately into my existence. The film is also known as Fugitivo del Futuro, and my imdb friend Miho Ishimine describes the plot quite wonderfully,

"In 2021, the whole world is connected by the gigantic Internet, and almost a half of the population is suffering from the Nerve Attenuation Syndrome (NAS).Johnny with an inplanted memory chip in his brain was ordered to transport the over loaded information from Beijing to Newark. While Pharmakom Industries supported by yakuza tries to capture him to get the informaiton back, the Low-tech group led by J-Bone tries to break the missing code to download the cure of NAS which Johnny carries."

Ah, mi-hijo/mijo Miho, someday the gigantic Internet will eat us all. What my friend didn't mention is that Keanu Reeves, Ice-T and Dolph Lundgren, clearly some of the greatest action actors of the 1990's, all graced this film with their immaculate presences. Keanu plays the wooden cyber-smuggler who just wants "room service," and, "a 10,000 $ a night hooker!" Ice-T is clearly playing J-Bone, a rebel leader with the deadliest of dreadlocks. I can't decide if I hope he named his own character or not....And Dolph, amazingly enough, plays some cyborg, assassin preacher-man with his super awesome crucifix knife that, try as I might, I can't seem to find for purchase on the gigantic Internet. It's okay, time is on my side. Another thing that so preciously needs to be added to any summary of this epic encounter is the fact that the real hero is a flippin' dolphin with a cyber helmet! His sonic laser beams kill bad guys and broadcast truth across the globe simultaneously! And he is probably the ugliest dolphin ever made! We get to enjoy him while gliding through a multi-colored, graphicized version of digital reality that brings back sweet memories of Lawnmower Man while reminding me once again why I love my wacko sci-fi movie collection. Ahhh, VHS. Anywho, this movie will blow your mind.

Final Judgment: "Film professors everywhere beware: El Fugitivo del Futuro is invading mindspace in multiple dimensions and it feels so right!/Robot dolphins with brain powers make everything better!/Clearly Keanu has nothing to be sad about!/Oh, the nineties, won't you come back to me?

Ps. Oh, did I mention that this movie is based on a book by one of my absolute favorite authors, cyberpunk god, William Gibson? He also wrote the very famous and very influential "Neuromancer," as well as a slew of other genius works. Woohoo cyberpunk!

"Listen. You listen to me. You see that city over there? THAT’S where I’m supposed to be. Not down here with the dogs, and the garbage, and the fucking last month’s newspapers blowing *back* and *forth*. I’ve had it with them, I’ve had it with you, I’ve had it with ALL THIS —
I WANT ROOM SERVICE!!! I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer,
I want a $10,000-a-night hooker. I want my shirts laundered…like they do…
at the Imperial Hotel…in Tokyo."

The Big Picture (1989)

2010-10-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

I pulled this puppy out of a mail-crate full of laserdiscs the other day while looking for something fun to share with a friend. Even though I'd never heard of it, it was both obvious why I'd purchased it and why it was the perfect portion for that evening's entertainment imbibement. First of all, it's a Christopher Guest movie starring Kevin Bacon. If you don't know who Mr. Guest is, you're probably wrong - you just don't know his name. He's the beaut who pumped out some of the most glorious parody films of the last twenty-five years including This is Spinal Tap, A Mighty Wind, Best in Show, yatatatata and most famously (if you ask me), The Princess Bride. If you don't know who Kevin Bacon is then....well, I recommend Wild Things because you get to see his dong in it. Yes full frontal! This passion-play falls right up there with Dr. Guest's other greats. And although it made like zero money at the box office (117k to the 5mill budget = yikes!), it clearly stands to make it's place among cult classics. First of all, the guest stars are off the hook. We're talking Martin Short, Fran Drescher, John Cleese and Richard Belzer, not to mention starring roles played by Jennifer Jason Leigh and Teri Hatcher. And seriously, Teri Hatcher's mane could send the zebras running. She is wild! All the hair in this movie is pretty out of control - not that surprising really. I love matching poof bangs! Also, The Big Picture uses some absolutely sickeningly sweet animation sequences, including historical figure thimble dances, to keep the pace up. The whole thing is speckled with noir scenes and alternate reality segments that really set it apart from other 80's comedies. Ironically enough, according to Siskel and Ebert, that's exactly what makes this movie a two-thumb down catastrophe. No wonder Hollywood is so homogenized! Seriously! Whatever dudes. Go suck on a lemon!

Ps. I totally dug The Invention of Lying and not just because I love Jennifer Garner and movies that are willing to bash the Christians. Oh wait, maybe that's exactly why I liked it...

Los Calchakis - Flautas, Arpa y Guitarras Indigenas

2010-07-30T14:31:00.000-07:00

Los Calchakis - Flautas, Arpa y Guitarras Indigenas
Released on Arion. Hecho en Mexico, 1975

Side A:

Takirari del Regreso
Isla Saca
Vidala Tucumana
La Cumbrena
Pago Largo
Bailecito de Manzanares
El Cari Cari

Side B:
Concierto en la Llanura
La Rotunda
Cuatreando
Kasarasiri
Madrecita
A Los Bosques
Cuerdita

Mocidade Independente de Padre Miguel

2010-07-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

Bateria Nota 10. A Autentica Musica Popular Brasileira, Via Top Tape, Para o Mundo

Side A:
Curticao
Azar de quem for Surdo
Afina a Cintura

Side B:
Barato Bichol
Pe Rasteiro
Ganhando na Mao Grande

Orchestra Prima Rosa - Fascination

2010-07-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

Released on RCA, Japan

Side A:
Fascination
13 Jours en FranceCharmaineA Waltz for CynthiaEdelweiss
The Carousel Waltz
The Last Waltz

Side B:
I Really Don't Want to Know
I Went to Your Wedding
Tennessee Waltz
The Doggie in the Window
Missouri Waltz
Let Me Call You Sweetheart
When I Grow Too Old to Dream

Himnos y Marchas de la Revolucion Cubana

2010-07-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

Released by Areito Records. Havana, Cuba

Side A:
Himno Nacional
Desde Yara Hasta La SierraHasta Siempre, Cuba
Marcha de la Revolucion
Adelante
Cuba Socialista

Side B:
Marcha del 26 de Julio
Venceremos
Muerte al Invasor
Al Pueblo
Patria Liberada
Viva el Socialismo

Turbulence (1997)

2010-07-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well, the nineties certainly seemed to be a decade of airplane-crash/hostage movies. This quickly came to a halt after you-know-what happened in 2001. That is...except for couple of creepy lesbian horror movies (ie Flightplan) that made me a little uncomfortable, as many of the recent Jodie Foster movies (cough cough The Brave One) tend to do. This streak will no doubt NOT be remedied by her upcoming appearance in The Beaver with Mel Gibson and a hand puppet. Yikes. Anyway, so there were airplane hostage movies in the nineties. Actually both Air Force One and Con Air came out within a year of this piece of work. And I hate to say it, but I think this movie might actually be the least believable of the three. That's right, there is something less realistic than putting all of the worst criminals alive on a single plane with almost zero protection and then having a stringy haired marine with a criminal record, a heart-of-gold and a terrible accent, plus John Cusack in a suit, single-handedly take down the villains and land the plane in Las Vegas successfully with few casualties despite taking out several buildings. And that thing is Turbulence. I just could not grab control of my suspension of disbelief in this movie for one, almost-unbelievably innocuous detail: why is this a two-level plane flying on Christmas day with fewer than 10 passengers and way too many Christmas decorations? Why? Why? Why? Please, someone, explain it to me. Actually, now that I think about it, I have some other questions too. Why would they ever fly dangerous criminals on a commercial flight and then let them use the bathroom without watching them? Why? Why? Why? I mean, if the whole movie is going to take place on two sets, the airplane and the control room, couldn't they come up with a better explanation for being there? Why does everyone in this movie looks like they teleported out of 1993? Why did this movie cost an absurd $55 million? And why, why, why is this the most useless female character of all time? All she does is whine about men the whole movie. Before she gets on the plane, whine. When she's stewardess-servicing the criminals with all the other female/gay flight attendants, whine. When they're killing people, whine. When the plane is flying upside-down (apparently they can do that), whine. She can't even land the flipping plane! She has to have some British dandy with crossed legs and a spot of tea talk her through it. And by that, I mean he has to talk her through pushing the 'autopilot' button. Whew! Good thing there was such a strong character aboard the plane to push that button! Great use of female action power! And to top it off, I think she goes on a date with that British dude-pilot. Good thing the day wasn't a complete loss for her! She fended off that crazy sex-pot psychopath, the ever-greasy Ray-Liotta, evaded death unlike so many of her best friends and colleagues, and she used her coocha to move up the business ladder. Cha-ching! As one clearly adept reviewer remarked, "This film makes DIE HARD 2 look like a documentary." Well said.

Final Judgment: "Rife with incredulous laughs and scoffs of disbelief, this box-office bomb epitomizes the fantasies and capitalistic mantra of the entertainment industry; in other words = Fist Pump this Party-Poppin' Bitch, Baby!"

Ps. This is the second photo that came up when I googled "Sexy Ray Liotta." Amen.

They Live (1988)

2010-05-10T11:53:00.001-07:00

The harbinger of horror, John Carpenter, strikes again. The best part about Carpenter, in my twisted opinion, is his sense of subtlety. 'Whaaaaa?' you may be saying. Yes, there are cheesy lines and 5min20sec fights, and the always popular and practically bad-80's-plaid with bulging muscles and a mullet look. And don't forget the chuckle-inspiring peer-over-the-sunglasses move that defined so many childhoods and terrible pick-up attempts. It's almost like he wrote this movie for the sunglasses! But seriously, it's pretty subtle. There aren't ridiculous lasers flying around or giant bug puppets ripping heads off. And there aren't brains splattering across the screen or space ships hurtling through farmlands and abducting cows. No no, not Carpenter. Here we have the subtlety of political and social commentary with restricted effects and well-choreographed fight scenes. In today's continuous CGI fuck-fest, we often forget the beauty of restraint. Well, here it is my friends. Pulling on Lovecraft's concept of Cosmic Horror, be prepared to submit to the fact that we are just livestock for our alien politicians and advertising is actually extra-terrestrial brain-washing techniques that make us worship money. I mean, let's face it, the metaphor stands. One imdb commentator clearly took the message a little too close to heart. But his comments are pretty amazing:

"This movie is not so much about aliens who are hiding among us, but instead it taps into the deeply submerged suspicion held by most of us that we are being manipulated and taken advantage of by the elite of American society, by our leaders, by the rich, etc. Also, we sometimes feel that we are manipulated and programmed (in a subtle way) to respect hierarchical authority ( e.g., the "OBEY" subliminal command from the movie)...
So, the major theme of the movie is not, as another poster correctly pointed out, about being manipulated to be good little consumers in a crassly commercial world. No, it is far more profound than that. Instead, it is more about how the working class Americans in _They Live_ are being exploited by the elite upper crust, who, in the movie, happen to be aliens, but who, in the real world, are a subsociety that use their collective power to exploit the rest of us. "

Thank you Cryofan for making all sci-fi lovers and potential believers in extra-solar life seem like total wack-jobs building up their underground bunkers for the self-induced apocalyptic stand against the government. We're not....I swear. The comment would almost be acceptable if it didn't us the phrase "deeply submerged suspicion held by most of us." What, is he on some secret team that I don't know about?
Anyway, if all of that wasn't reason enough to already be watching this movie, then Carpenter's glorious use of 80's ratings to throw in some LST (last-second titties) should seal the deal.

I deem it: "An epic work of 80's sci-fi that combines Orwellian concepts of patriarchal government with sweet-ass fights and aliens = Booyah baby!"

Quotes worth keeping:

Nada: Brother, life's a bitch... and she's back in heat.

Nada: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum.

Also, gotta love these photoshopped Bush aliens that I found on some dude's site. I knew there was something wrong with that bastard!

Literary Update

2010-03-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

It's that time again; time to examine my literature choices and wrinkle your nose in incredulity. Yes, I'm that nerdy. Like my movies, I prefer literature that is a powerful commentary on society and has been largely ignored by the masses. Give me knowledge! I've been working on expanding my author-knowhow, so here's what has flashed past my eyeballs in the last couple months....

Michael Coney - The Hero of Downways (1973)

Jack Williamson - Manseed (1983)

Stephen Goldin - Mind Flight (1978)

Frederick Pohl - Slave Ship (1956)

Philip Wylie - The End of the Dream (1972)

Gossip (2000)

2010-03-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's just so hard to resist those b-list, sultry sex symbols who graced the screens last millennium as angsty adolescents. With a release date of 2000, this one was clearly on the edge. But as I've recently noticed...: the turn of the millennium may seem futuristic in my memory, but movies show me that it was actually a long time ago, and besides, I was still in high school. This is a perfect example. Brown lip liner, chunky heels and grungesque tudes are so last century. We have the murder-mystery, sex-fueled, turtleneck wearing college kids who binge drink at the clubs every night and enroll in journalism classes with techno-centric professors and a roster of 300+. And don't forget the feminist, ie. clearly delineating the boundaries of rape, supertones played out beautifully by the always bra-less Kate Hudson. Joshua Jackson (of Dawson), Lena Headey (Sarah Conner Chronicles) and James Marsden (Cyclops) also all grace the screen with their guilty, hungover portrayal of dirty life in higher education. Luckily, the blame gets cast on characters who have lots of money, so don't worry...you probably won't think they're telling a story about your kind. Oh yeah, and don't forget the Admiral my Admiral, Edward James Olmos (as in, you olmos know who he is), who plays out his pock-faced glory as a wayward Detective. Anyway, adolescent angst aside, there's one true reason I'm posting about this movie. And no, it's not the fact that it completely bombed at the box office (this is watch instantly after all...). It's because a large amount of the tension in the movie actually arose from inability to communicate with someone without actually seeing them and/or finding a payphone. That's right, 2000 or no, these dudes are running all over the place with big secrets and warnings when a simple text could have solved all their problems! Ah, life before technology. And in the rain!

But then again, a sickening T-Mobile commercial confirms your worst fears about the fate of phone-owner interaction or lack thereof....

Yes, that's a sad, sad thing.
But perhaps the backlash is finally arriving? I hate to quote a Lady Gaga song, but the new Telephone thing, regardless of the fact that she openly admits that it was written in all shallowness, might say more than she means. As Beyonce proudly proclaims, "I should have left my phone at home." There just might be hope yet...

Life as we know it.

I deem it: "An always adept reminder of life before cellphones and the murderous intentions of dastardly, drunken college kids"

Scrooged (1988)

2010-03-01T17:05:00.000-08:00

Well...here it is...the movie that inspired Facebook profile pic changes and provoked hair jokes for weeks in my homely household. This is classic, late 80's comedy with one-liners and crassness galore. To cut to the chase, we're talking 101 minutes of unharnessed, unadulterated, unabridged Bill Murray, and damn does he know he's good. This is a clear case of A Christmas Carol, but with a raunchy, big-business media co. twist that makes it sing so sweetly. Bill Murray's Costner hair is obscenely bad, and there are definitely some crazy fetus demons and a tv-head. As Murray would say "are you glad to see me or is that a shotgun in your pocket?"

The other star of this shitacular is none other than femme fatale Karen Allen of Raiders fame. I was confused at first because I thought she was Margot Kidder. I mean, seriously, they look exactly alike. But upon imdb inspection, I realized that Richard Donner just has a type. Yowza.

And don't forget performances by my two main men, Michael J. Pollard (aka The Other Tesla) and Bobcat Goldthwait who must be a hissing pussy in the sack. All in all, I would rack this up as another success, albeit it a close call, in the long and lustrous career of Bill Murray. Clearly his awesomeness was the sole reason for the existence and survival of this 80's gem, but you know what they say: party hardy marty!

Final Judgment: "Santas with machine guns?: "Yule love it!"/"The bitch hit me with a toaster!"/A sweet reminder of the simpler, more sexist days of the 1980's.

My Best Friend is a Vampire (1987)

2010-02-16T21:21:00.000-08:00

There was a time, believe it or not, when our teen monster movies weren't all about chastity and struggling with the darker sides of life in a divided family. No, no, that's just so....2000's (yeah, that still doesn't sound good...). Here, we can return to the joyous days of endless sun and perky breasts in a better day known as 80's teen cinema. This flick strolls in right alongside Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too (even though they are technically the same script), Teen Witch and all those other upbeat, clearly marketed, sci-fi comedies. I guess they were getting sick of all that post-apocalyptic shit. This is certainly a more care-free attitude. Sex with older women/vampires, allusions to homosexuality, tongue farts and six-packs of Pig's Blood Lite in the fridge all lead to one thing: 80's cool! That's right: he's got the hair, the sunglasses, and the handbook to Vampirism: A Practical Guide to an Alternative Lifestyle. There are bevies of babes and laughable outfits, all alongside the turmoils of adolescence when you're hungry for blood and just trying to fit in. Also, amazingly, our favorite "god damn shit god damn piss" angrydude from Circuitry Man AND the Professor from TMNT:Secret of the Ooze come together in a blissfully b-list act of goodness that gives the crazy adult antagonists a life and dimension I never thought possible.

"Jeremy, it has come to my attention that you have recently had a sordid and sexual encounter with strange and beautiful woman"

Final Judgment: "Oh-so-80's!/When being cool was all about scoring poon and having a sweet blowout!/Why do these vampires keep turning into wolves???My monster radar is frying?!/That chick has the most amazingly 80's dyke hair = hottest nerd ever!

Cops and Robbersons (1994)

2010-02-09T20:04:00.001-08:00

I've never even heard of this movie. But while perusing Netflix watch instantly movies, and through a series of "more like these" moments, I ended up selecting this piece of picture for the queue section of my life. I mean, who can resist a movie with both Chevy Chase and Jack Palance?! Okay, Chevy Chase has been in some shit. Or, at least, he's been in enough movies that I can pick and choose between his life's work and still feel like there's a whole wide world of genre out there with his name on it. But Jack Palance. Now he's a sell. That voice. That gruff attitude....Those uncanny facial expressions! Only Jack Palance could smoke a week old cigarette butt and eat a stale fry simultaneously! Only Jack Palance could seem badass while wearing an old man sweater that is just barely passing for not-a-bathrobe! And only Jack Palance could perform facial acrobatics that bring shining lights of glory here from heaven! He's like the Marlboro Man incarnate! And boy is he pissy. The other unsung star in this gem is the plaid shirt. Yes, I said it, the plaid shirt. Here we have the king of the 90's family fun, Jason James Richter, the star of not only the greatest animal trilogy ever released (Free Willy) but also that terrible Neverending Story abomination (III) with Jack Black. And he is wearing the quintessential, must have 90's outfit. That's right, the ripped jeans, dirty sneakers, iron maiden shirt, leather jacket and...dun dun dun...plaid shirt tied around his waist. I mean, what's it doing there? He's already wearing a jacket. Is he going to put it on later? Or is it just for wiping his nose with? Who knows. It was a hot look back then. Add in the slicked back hair, single ear piercing and bad attitude, and you've got a genuine 90's stud. And yes, this is a care free movie. It will make you feel better mostly by making you feel smarter. I mean, even I know that no one will buy a 2 inch diameter hand-rolled cigarette if you're trying to prove that you smoke to a murderous villain. But everyone just goes with it. As should you. Advice to live by: just go with it. = NOT!

Final Judgment: "Classically and comically comatose!/Long live house wives everywhere!/Jack Palance is my hero!

Ps. I got some of these pics from a blog called "Favorite Hunks and Other Things." Nice to know you're going somewhere David Barry Gray!

88 Minutes (2007)

2010-02-04T22:11:00.000-08:00

Well, most people didn't seem to enjoy this flick. In fact, it was nominated for no less than 2 Razzie Awards. I'm not really sure why. I thought it was pretty solid. I mean yes, Al Pacino's hair defies gravity. And yes, if he's in Seattle then he must be helping an Asian family pay the monthly rent on their tanning business, because he is definitely not a normal shade of skin. And yes, sometimes he looks like he's falling asleep. But I wasn't falling asleep. I was intrigued. I'm intrigued in the identity of this psychopath. I'm intrigued as to why Pacino only hangs out with young women. I'm less intrigued as to why he's always hugging them. And I'm thoroughly mystified as to the answer to the film riddle. Mystification, albeit an emotion that greets me often, is not most frequently associated with movies in my life. But, here we are with a hodgepodge cast that I recognize from just about everywhere (Leelee, that dude from the OC, some lesbian from Frasier and Judging Amy, scraggle-face from Payback, and Digger!), almost all of them suspects. Although, I mostly suspect men in these sorts of things. I am also experiencing a certain amount of gratitude for the fact that they decided to set this movie in Seattle, even if they filmed most of it in Vancouver. And yes, there's some rain and a mostly blue-gray hue to every scene, but overall, they only vaguely portray us as a depressing and homicidal city. More gratitude arises from the fact there are several lesbian relationships in this. Even a lone nipple flash! In fact, a solid 60% of the this cast was female, a sadly underrepresented statistic. I guess people don't really like mystery-thrillers with lots of women. I don't mind though. I like women.

I deem it: "A satisfying watch-instantly experience!/Pacino's clearly popping pills to stay in the game here, so enjoy him while you can!/Long live the city of blue!

The International (2009)

2010-02-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I have managed to choose yet another slow and boring action movie. How is that even possible? Doesn't that defeat the point of it being an action movie? I picked this one because after watching Shoot 'Em Up, a spicy flick with the lady of the week, Ms. Monica, I convinced myself that any action movie with Clive Owen had potential. Oh well. At least this one had some sweet architecture and widescreen Euro-coast shots. The Germans are suddenly seeming appealing again! Anyway, this movie happened. I was there. I probably won't remember it tomorrow, and I don't really care. I mean, what's up with the fact that they're all fancy Blackberry texting secret info but then they still use that annoying "message arrived" ding and put surveillance bugs in wall-phones? WTF dudes?! We are officially a long way from the 90's. So let's get this shit together! Oh, and the Bank wins.

I deem it: "A half-hearted attempt to rub in the C.R.E.A.M. mantra with a little bit of arms dealing for a kick/Clive Owen, your sexy, beat-up face is not enough to keep me interested...and that is a sad sad thing!"

And who could resist another Monica picture? I held back the nudie pics in case my mom was reading....

Tears of the Sun (2003)

2010-02-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

Now, I don't usually say many negative things on this here blog, mostly because I'm fairly tolerant when it comes to shitty movies. But, I just sat through 2 hours of the movie only to find out that the Director's cut is 20 minutes longer. How many more fucking desperate treks through the jungle could he possibly throw in there?! I won't lie, I thought that the presence of two prestigious and attractive actors (aka Bruce Willis and Monica Bellucci) could make this a solid action flick. Boy was I wrong. The only mildly entertaining part of this flick was, like, the 45 seconds of bouncing cleavage gifted by the lovely Miss Bellucci. No, rape tits are definitely not a gift. I like how Mr. Douchbag "Innocuous" (from Raleigh, NC) has a completely different standard of life than I do. Or at least movies. His almost unknowingly dumb comment reads:

"And since when was a movie so horribly, horribly bad because it couldn't be filmed in the actual location? So what if this was filmed somewhere other than Nigeria? And so what if the music was not "authentic Nigerian music"? I don't remember a title card at the beginning of the movies saying it's a National Geographic documentary.

This is a good movie. Less action than many war movies and less thought than some political dramas. "

So what the hell's left?

I deem it: "A pathetic excuse to give Bruce Willis a gun."

Ps. Monica Bellucci is so hot, I had to include more than one picture of her...She's over 40 you know!

Night Shift (1982)

2010-01-04T12:28:00.000-08:00

I open this decade with a classic tale of boozing and banging, tits and triumphs. Yes, I am speaking of the one and only Night Shift. Over recent months, people have been bugging me about Ron Howard with some "don't you know who he is" shit that mostly stems from his daughter pushing out the other chick in the Twilight franchise which I'm sure you don't watch. Anyway, this is a Ron Howard movie. And looking at his credits, I see more than one movie sitting on my shelf. But I am also not surprised of my subliminal slamming of Senor Howard, because damn is he a misogynist. We're talking no strong female characters at all (excluding Splash of course). Backdraft? Those Dan Brown pics? Ransom? Apollo 13? Frost/Nixon? Fucking EdTV?? Even Willow is sausage-heavy. Geeze dude, lighten up a little. Or as Gracy-Lou Freebush would say "it's like feminism never even happened!" But what with the obvious sexism in Hollywood, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. On the other hand, the blatant objectification of women in this film is the truly the coupe de grace, cherry on top, shining diamond of success. I mean, without the tits and tacos, where would we be? Michael Keaton appears here in his feature film debut and pulls out all the stops as the quintessential American, engineering idiot. "Take live tuna fish and feed them mayonnaise....." Why stop there? Don't forget the pickles! The film is packed with hilarious bits about getting cumbered, seances, shoeshiner tits, finding assholes with funnels, and all that other typical frat boy stuff that also includes dancing with corpses. Truly the older brother to that other requisite necrofilm, Weekend at Bernie's. And even weirder.....Weekend at Bernie's II (dun dun dun...). First time screen appearances by Kevin Costner and Shannon Doherty as well. Although, I squinted at that screen so frickin' hard, but it's impossible to find Costner without the pause button. Haha. And don't forget the Fonze! I'd like to thank Kenneth Chisholm for this beautiful summary:
"A nebbish of a morgue attendant gets shunted back to the night shift where he is shackled with an obnoxious neophyte partner who dreams of the "one great idea" for success. His life takes a bizarre turn when a prostitute neighbour complains about the loss of her pimp. His partner, upon hearing the situation, suggests that they fill that opening themselves using the morgue at night as their brothel." Hawt.
And for all you nerds out there, a bit of trivia: apparently the use of VisiCalc in this pic is a big deal because some people credit the app as the true motivation behind the personal computer boom (they said it, not me).

Final Judgment: "Dream on all you American entrepeneurs - the path shines bright with jugs and joints, Tarzan costumes and desecration galore!/You're gonna play tennis with God!

How To Make A Monster (2001)

2009-12-14T21:53:00.000-08:00

Well, it's always a good thing when the kid's movie you're watching turns out to actually be filled with bouncing boobies and mished-mashed body parts. Isn't it? This was like a video-game, stoner flick from hell. As pleasantly surprised as I was by the addition of nudity, I found myself asking "are they really making that girl jump up and down?" And then there was the terrible technology with 1992 computer graphics and a serious lack of preemptive research. I mean, I may not be a gamer per se, but I certainly know that when the game is less interesting or challenging than your local kiddie maze, not to mention it has to be made for a major company in less than 2 months, that somebody is full of shit. I mean, that giant is programming in his weapon play by swinging around swords with some cables wrapped around his bulges? I don't think so. And half the technology words were completely made up. Question: what does devil-Pikachu have to do with this Evilution? Yes, my friends: the game is called Evilution. It's not often that I come across a movie where the swearing is so bountiful that it makes a tacky movie look even tackier. But with a name like How To Make A Monster I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The fucks make Officer John McClane look like a goddamn angel! It's like they just gave up on having any sort of audience at all. I mean, who are they aiming for? Teenage boys who don't play video games? What TV channel did they even make this for? And, of course the black guy dies first. But then they have to go and meld his head onto some giant white dude's body...And add on metallic jaws, a battle helmet and a couple of pixelated fireballs? That ain't right. I seriously wasn't expecting all the super-nast of oozing body pieces, squelching noises and the general level of corpsification. It really got good at the end though. I think that at one point the chick is having a virtual reality battle against a three dimensional opponent, during a real battle. Yes, mind-boggling. And they certainly up the fear factor waving around that bloody CD-rom. I'm shivering in my boots! What's next, the fright-mongering USB drive? Even better, I think the video game killing somehow gave her creepy blood-lust and monster-groupie tendencies. I'm so confused!

Final Judgment: "Take another hit my friend!/Technology is evil! And bouncy tits are never out of style!"

Fall Literary Review

2009-11-17T22:36:00.000-08:00

Although a recent venture into graduate school has left me with less time to enjoy literary satisfaction, I thought I would keep you updated with my forays into fiction. I know, I'm a sci-fi nerd. But I stand by it. I have yet to be more intellectually intrigued by another genre. So judge me if you will. Some day, nerds will rule the world!

Rocannon's World (1966) - Ursula LeGuin
The Net (1987) - Loren MacGregor
Millennium (1983) - John Varley
The Invisible Man (1897) - H.G. Wells
The Songs of Distant Earth (1986) - Arthur C. Clarke
Rainbows End (2006) - Vernor Vinge

Halloween Hootenanny!

2009-11-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

Due to some personal issues, I've been away from the land of interweb recently and instead spending time outside while home in WA. But now I return. And I just can't let the previous puppies slide away and miss their chance at a place on my blog. I mean, seriously, some of my favorite movies that are completely obscure and underrated baffle me with their absence from this site. But then I remember that I only repeat a movie watching experience once every two or three years, and their number just hasn't come up in the existence of this dedicated yet undernourished blog of ridiculousness. So don't worry post-Halloween marathon movies, you will gain a short but satisfying place in history. After a delightful party on the 31st, the boy and I decided to laze the Sunday away by working while watching a seemingly endless stream of horror movies that probably would have never made it up the list (I have many more movies than I can ever watch! Awkward, huh?!) if not for this lazy day on the 1st of November. Only two of the four will get half posts here; the others are only calling for documentary notation. But these two were quite acceptable, and, I dare say, memorable. It's always good when you watch two movies back to back that have a scene of a car crashing into a building and exploding. Awesome!!!! Even better, both beauties share misused concepts of population genetics and evolution. So up my alley!!!! Begin.

Wrong Turn (2003) - It should seem fairly obvious that I purchased this film in my less discretionary days. In fact, I never thought I'd watch it. Oddly enough, it turned out to be the most enjoyable film of the day. It's pretty straight-up run and hide, chased by monsters in the woods horror. The only even recognizable actor is Eliza Dushku, and you have to be a pretty serious Whedon fan to buy a movie based on her star power. But, what can I say? My favorite thing about Eliza is that she has absolutely zero hips. I mean, she's totally hot, but she's built like a bookshelf. So, the editors spend the entire movie just trying to avoid showing her full body in straight-on shots. It's like a little game! Well, at least she isn't wearing that terrible workout outfit. If you only have one costume in a film, why make it an absurdly ugly one? Answer me that. Overall, the violence is good and gory yet tasteful. The nervous factor is a sweet medium. Chick power is way up. Oh, and there are inbred mutant cannibal hick zombies. All in all, this flick is just what was ordered.
I deem it: "Sick yet satisfying!/Predictable yet still surprising!/A sure sign the Dushku can kick the ugliest of asses!"

The Forsaken (2001) - Ha, this movie has even less star power. It's sad, because there were only two things that made me buy this movie, and they wouldn't have been strong enough alone. But together, somehow, the garish teenage vampire thing combined with that actor who played in a single Alias episode was enough to cause me throw down a solid 1 dollar on this VHS cassette tape. And it was worth it. You can tell a lot about a movie by the credits. For example, this clearly turn of the millennium piece put the opening title over a pair of succulent tits. Yes, tits under the credits. And then again later. All in all, no less than 4 chicks show their melons in this melancholic, MTV sponsored, anti-MTV flick clearly filmed for those lost souls who feel helpless in society but yet just can't get off their couch and do anything about it. A common dilemma unfortunately, especially among middle class, white males who live with their relatives long after is wise. Cough Cough. Well, this film is definitely trying to be hip. If the drug scene vamp-vision didn't give it away, the man with a capuchin and a popsicle certainly did. My favorite part was the rapid-fire monologue made by the main hunter who is supposed to represent some illegitimate bastard child of society while being played by a blond who lives in LA. Ah, the irony. Nick: We are fucked. Take a look at the world we inherited. We're a bunch of fast-food munching MTV freaks humping the great American Dream. The generation before us sold their innocence for 200 digitally enhanced satellite stations, and it's been downhill ever since. They had Mickey Mouse, Easy Rider and The Beatles. Alright? We got South Park, The Blair Bitch and Ricky Martin. Alright? They had "Be here now!". We got "Shit Happens!". If that doesn't put thinks in perspective, i dunno what does. I mean, we're just Microsoft Neanderthals addicted to surfing netland, still shitting in our nests. And every time i think about giving a rat's ass, i picture Monica making millions from sucking Bill's little red rooster. Just rockets me right back into reality.
Preach it, sister!

I deem it: "Meant for boys who are freaked out and frustrated by David Lynch but still want to feel cool and masochistic!/Vamps and Vapid Vag'es, a perfect combination!/Stop whining and shoot things!

Honorable Mentions:

The Grudge (2004) - SMG, this shit is pretty bad

Pet Sematary (1989) - Classic yet still confusing and creepy. Children killers freak me out! And why do those goddamn trucks drive so fast? Thank god for mystical, magical Native Americans - oh wait, i guess their magic is evil; kill them all! YES!!!

Supergirl (1984)

2009-10-31T12:50:00.001-07:00

Dun dun dun dun! Well, I guess this is supposed to be some sort of far-fetched feminist fling because all the male characters in this film are flippin' useless. Completely and utterly useless. Unless of course you're looking for a warm and mildly interesting dildo. I may be sounding a bit crude (and trust me, I tone it down for public appearances like this one), but in retrospect, this just seems to be a movie about chicks fighting over a sex toy. Faye Dunaway is a deadly knockout in her crazy-hair wig and giant Japanese kimono. And that Supergirl chick isn't too bad herself. She certainly knows how to please a guy - sky tour in a flying football head bed? Count me in! Not that Dunaway is to be outdone, warping Señor dude back to her zebra print divan in chilling chains and hoping for a spot of lust (don't we all). The other chick is pretty incompetent though (hopefully impotent as well). Now that I think about it, it's almost like the Teen Wolf phenom.; you know, where the sequel is just a mirror copy of the original? You can literally pair up every character in Superman to every character in Supergirl, except they will be of the opposite sex. That's either crafty or incredibly cheap. It's still up in the air. Of course, in that pseudo-faux-feminist way, Hackman gets to revile with his brains while Dunaway has to resort to using misappropriated magic. Take it from a snarky female, brains certainly don't just belong to balding white men. Either way, this movie has crazy construction equipment, and that just may be the secret ingredient needed to make me hop on the train, or bandwagon, or any other vehicular object. The secondary item that graces this curious catastrophe is the whole witchcraft amusement park horror thing. Rhinestone cat eyes, gargoyles and demons, a haunted house and metal cat balls filled with people? For gods' sakes, he lives in a pod! But when she uses her magic mojo to move her mansion/castle up onto the top of the mystic mountain that appears just south of town, I'm all for it. Can't blame a lady for wanting a view!

(notes to self)
oh man, after 2 minutes of smoke and disco light filled credits, i am suddenly in a white blood cell of a future spa city with drugged out whities wearing see through left over hippie clothes
he has a glass wand and singing black ball - he even has a leather pouch
it's like they're in a toy store - of magic!
she's flying warp smelt eggs!
rinse off the cheese sauce!
"immortality be upon this one - she is a share of the sun's everlasting life - there will now be no danger for death - this world will keep her forever"

We mocked the credits and then found out they wasted 1$ million on that shit!

Final judgment: "I guess idiot villains are good when you're an involuntary hero/Sex toys and haunted houses - just in time for Halloween!/Saving sci-fi one blond at a time.

Ps. sucks when the men upstairs find 45 minutes of your film to be unnecessary and the fight scenes still seem too long!:
124 min (international version) | USA:105 min (theatrical version) | USA:138 min (director's cut) | USA:150 min (original cut) | Germany:89 min (Video Version)

"The world is at last my oyster!"

"Nigel: I want to make a very serious proposal.
Selena: In that outfit? "

Youngblood (1986)

2009-10-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

The reign of Patrick Swayze lives on, although sometimes I think his mullet is doing most of the work. In this piece we see the 'trashy hick aunt' variation of the haunting hairstyle. And while Rob Lowe is touted as the top-dog in this feature, Swayze, with his walkman and the rolled-down waistband on his sweatpants, definitely has this puppy in the bag. Even worse, my 90's VHS re-issue goes to the desperate lengths of describing a 'special cameo from Speed star' Keanu Reeves, when really he's like a 17 year old background actor with about 2 lines and the classic Bill and Ted hairstyle. Where's the respect?! Then again, when an entire movie is based around grappling with dudes, slapping asses and even shaving a scrot or two, maybe respect isn't exactly what they're going for. Don't worry, we get triumphant shots of both boy-booty and timeless titty, so as a feminist, I feel satiated in the objectifying flesh department. Even better is the sexy scene with backlighting where you can totally tell this is the 80's due to the alluring outline of the leading lady's upper thigh hair. Not that I have anything against upper thigh hair; I'm just trying to imagine the massive amounts of computer power and pocketbook change they would dedicate to eliminate such an unsightly image in the age of grotesque plastic surgery, shiny orange bodies and basketball tits. Ah the 21st century. Ultimately, this is a hockey movie. We are graced with glistening 80's montages (my personal favorite is the 'why life on a farm is shitty'), sword-fighting with hockey sticks and the leery lesson that you can't be a man until you can beat the shit out of your enemies. Seriously, that's the lesson of the movie. In the end the whole team and the refs are just circling around waiting to see if he's learned how to beat someone up in a fight. Boys, boys, boys.

Final Judgment: "Blood flies and booties bounce!/ 80's montage music+time lapse = the key to breaking down the fourth dimension!/ An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth (and they mean that literally!) / Swayze's mullet: ye who truly deserved the Nobel Peace Prize!

Hard Target (1993)

2009-10-15T11:05:00.000-07:00

So I watched this movie more than two weeks ago, and I'm just now getting around to posting on it. It's actually a good thing I took notes (am I nerdy or what?), because I could only remember one thing about this magnificent movie: nothing could suck that hot and harrowing image of Jean-Claude's greasy mullet curls swinging silently in the wind with each windmill kick. Oh Jean-Claude. only you could surf a dirt bike while killing people and simultaneously rocking the August look for a '93 copy of Hairdresser's Weekly. But is this really a Jean Claude movie? I mean, he's in it. But there's no raunchy sex with a glistening and flexing side view of JC's right cheek! Why did I even watch it?! I'm going to go ahead and blame that on John Woo, who, like Jackie Chan, seems almost creepily asexual on film. What's up with that? However, that could explain why Kurt Russell was considered and dismissed for the protag role. Only a sexless being could turn down that pile of sugar! On the other hand: how could you not know this was a John Woo movie with that funky fire and those darling doves everywhere? It's actually his first US movie, and I have to say, I think he done well. We already talked about JC and his sweet locks, but...there's more! My friend, Lance Henriksen boldly graces this godly ganglion. He's definitely my favorite weird-looking old guy. And with this film as my substantiating evidence: I always knew Lance could control the desert powers (I'm still debating as to whether I would prefer desert powers or dessert powers....oh the desserts....). And Lance is so sweet, his lackeys pay him! Now that's status! So basically, this movie is set in some sort of wife-beater and tight jeans wild wild West with horse battles and projectile weapons and oddly a giant Mardi-Gras swan where these rich creeps play a modern version of the deadliest game with ex-military bums and there are explosions and gun fights around every corner and JC is always there to save the day (no, the irony of his initials is not lost on me). Even the mummy can't bring him down! One thing is for sure: this movie would be like 20 gawdamn minutes shorter if they quit with the excessive slo-mo! I wonder what would happen if John Woo and Michael Bay made a movie together, or even worse, telepathically communicated secret messages of doom together - would the Universe collapse? Sucked in through the asshole of a white dove while dramatic world-ending music plays? You never know...

Final Judgment: "Jean-Claude ripping the rattle off a snake makes me tingle in an inappropriate and slightly nauseating way!/ Wow-za, it's a hair-off!/ Heavy on the wild west theme with plucky guit-tar = quick draw for the high-kick!/The flask will save you!

Krull (1983)

2009-10-06T11:24:00.001-07:00

It appears that somehow I managed to be struck with a misguided missile of ill-fate during my adolescence, because this detstve was never graced with the glory of Krull. But there is always time to mend mistakes, and let me tell you, on one of my meandering moments under the dreary lights of the local Blockbuster, I wandered past this wicked wonder and stopped dead in my tracks. Yes, the name of Krull rings true in my subconscious - I have definitely heard people praise its perfection when wistfully reminiscing of the days of puppets and costumes, elaborate sets and the always effective foreground miniature and luscious layering - but it was not until I stumbled past the cover, with a cyclops, an 80's princess and the futuresque medieval 5-pronged boomerang, that I deliciously and delicately placed this delight on my inner list, where not all movies may go, but those that do can make or break lives...and television sets. But these titillating treasures, placed so perfectly for a browsing eye, are only the shallowest of surfaces - no, no, the real winnings lie below. First of all, the sets and landscapes are beautiful, and that is not something that I was expecting. The castles yes, but the cliff-climbing in the Canaries, that's a beast of a different burden. It's the layers and layers of color and suns and the sets perfectly melded to create an epic atmosphere of classic sci-fi. Yes my friends, this is classic. I hate to use the word standard, but it is the standard, where all 80's sci movies should be. There was actually an eerie echo pulling at my brain and bringing The Ice Pirates to mind, which I find isn't strange at all since it's one of the only other movies managed by this madman writer. Ah, the 80s. And there is certainly a common sense of past and future with the medieval, lotr, star wars, sort of future quest vibe going on. But if that means one thing, it's a glorious one....tights and bare chests for all! (men at least)! There's an odd mix of storm troopers and knights, sword battles and laser fights, hairy chests and pleather, insectoid aliens, ancient monsters, skulking cyclops and old man seers. Let's see, we can totally play the where's the waldo weirdness game; find these things and more!:....flashing green lithics, battle axes and a tomato-picking hagrid, transmorphing, metal eyes, whips and furry capes, far too much fake hair, a Neanderthal kid, Liam Neeson whoring himself out for provisions, a disembodied monster claw with a delicate dainty in its clutches, flaming footed wild horses wrangled and wrassled and ready for more, oracles and spooky spiders, the totally mario moment (jump over the fireball, jump!) and the miraculously melting head. Oh yes my friends, and this is just the beginning. But seriously, it's no wonder this got turned into a videogame! It's ripe for the right-left-right!

Final Judgment: A magical time of romance, battles and crazy images (the 80's of course)!/It's not the glaive, it's you!/An amalgamation of all our greatest future fantasy myths!/If love is supposed to make you shoot fireballs out of your palm, I guess I'm not doing it right!/Ah Stanford Sherman, the alliteration in your name proves that we were meant to be together!/God, I wish people were still making awesome sci-fi movies!

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)

2009-09-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

Oh Elvira; I don't know if what you're doing is good or bad for the future of feminism, but it's certainly one thing: raunchy. Yes, this movie is clearly made for the kinks...with shiny bodies, endless sex jokes and the freedom of vaginal expression. And her tits! I had to wait until the VHS special features section after the movie to truly determine how she keeps those whoppas up. Yes it's with some secretly sexy under-wire and a whole of lot of gift from god. Can you believe she's almost 40 in this? Crank up the cougar factor! Basically, the whole movie is one long sexscapade with prudish puritans associating a free swinging cooch and nice tatas with being a wicked witch. Oh wait, she is a witch! Good call dudes! In fact, due to her sultry powers of seduction and literacy, Elvira manages to create love spells and animatronic casserole monsters all while wearing her classic Halloween goth get-up and 10lbs of hair. Even her pink mohawked poodle has tricks up his sleeve, transmogrifying into an actually scary dog instead of a little fuzzy that some dude in the Castro dressed up for the Folsom Street Fair. And that creepy Satan dude can totally breathe fire! Anyway, if this movie is about anything besides tits, it's the one-liners, the zingers, the digs, the blitzgriegs, the endless affronts. Yes, the jokes are good. Really in a sort of triumph of will, the movie ends with the highlight of life (at least for those small-town, big-dream, greasy thigh kinda fellas) for Elvira: her own Las Vegas show! Have you ever seen anything so expectedly out-of-control (besides Wong Foo of course)? I mean, oiled men, giant tarantulas, synchronized titty tassles, rapping and the ever misinterpreted...googly eyes? Wow, I've clearly been missing out on the finer points of American existence. Then again, if you can't float, you sink. And I wasn't born with the voluptuous buoys of some other dark-haired vixens. Just gotta keep treading water I guess!

Final Judgment: "'Unpleasant dreams' is right: I'll never eat hot dogs again!"

Chastity Pariah: I don't know who you are or where you came from but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.
Elvira: Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

Elvira: Bloody Mary.
Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?
Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.

Bob Redding: How's your head?
Elvira: I haven't had any complaints yet.

Chastity Pariah: Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed?
Mr. Clotter: I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.
Elvira: I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.

Cop: Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone?
Elvira: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it.

Elvira: And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.
[Stops to think]
Elvira: Any two, as long as they're simple.
[breaks down crying]

Chastity Pariah: Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore.

Hellbound (1994)

2009-09-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

Well yes sirree, I sure have wrangled myself a good one. That's right, here we have a rare and exotic species, endangered even, if only because some wackos have decided to stop giving Chuck Norris money to be in ridiculous action movies. Oh wait, that wacko is his brother! Talk about family strife! No seriously, there's no other way that this movie could have been created besides due to the combined powers (special rings and everything!) of the dastardly Norris brothers. This film also marks a sort of tribute. Yes, sad to say, but Hellbound is one of the last Cannon releases (so last that it's not even listed), and since almost every d-list Chuck Norris movie I have on my shelves erupted from the desperate minds of the dudes over at Cannon, I can honestly say I'm a bit torn up about it. This movie appears to be little known, and it's always sad when you're not the first name up on imdb despite the fact that you are the only exact title match; now that's discrimination. In other news, have you ever heard of a Norris supernatural thriller? And I thought I'd seen it all. But as so many fans seem to comment, it turns out Norris can kick anyone's ass, and that includes the big D, Dadd-io, "hope you've guessed my name," scene-stealing Satan. I guess I never should have doubted him. But no, this movie is seriously out of control. We seem to skyrocket from 12th century demon dinosaurs doing battle with Lionheart lads to early nineties Chicago/Israel where Norris and his partner meet up with only the most helpful of English-speaking street urchins, get the gal, and prepare themselves to do battle with the greatest evil of all time in an effort to save the Universe from the Apocalypse. Dayum, he's good. For me, the most hilarious part is not a grotesquely $1 applique finger-nailed Devil with crazy eyes and body parts that explode into a shower of blue sparks ripping people's clearly propped hearts out while making sure his hair remains tangle-free. No no, it's actually the fact that the film was put together in 91, but not released until 94, and let me tell you, fashion changed more than you'd think in those three few years. It's actually sad how hideous some of these outfits are. Aqua suits with high-neck black t-shirts? Cleopatra dreads? Talk about a second-rate MV wannabe! Oh well; I'm pretty much at the place where I'm not ashamed to say that Norris can do no wrong (at least on the screen [you fucking republican!]). And anytime the battle between good and evil goes beyond terrorism to the Big Bad and the supernatural suckers, I'm a much happier movie-goer. Keep on keeping on.

Final Judgment: "Norris in his most epic outfits fighting his most epic enemy!/The trailer takes me on a mystical journey through the low-budget nineties!/I don't understand what or why just happened, but I understand that I'll never be the same again!/Upon rewinding, our tape attempted to self-destruct!/Chuck Norris, you're my hodunk American hero!"

The best part may just be these extremely exclusive and oddly offensive copyright credits. Oh wait...maybe Israel is getting the better deal here?...Well, if there's a position opening for interstellar copyright law enforcement, sign me the fuck up.

Copyright Holder

Next of Kin (1989)

2009-09-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well, today is clearly a very sad day. I know that my movie collection will never sit on its shelves the same way again, and those of us who long for the rebirth of the 80's now know that we are too far gone to ever return to those days of sparkly glory. But let's not focus on the grim, unspeakable; instead, I have viewed and enjoyed this 1989 masterpiece, new to my brain but not to my shelves, and I have declared it amazing. I mean, come on: anytime Swayze's first line in a film is "like a junkyard dog," you know you're in for something smooth and spectacular. The greased back mullet ponytail was another indicator, and the beat-up, waist-less fedora and Southern twang just sealed the deal. It's a pretty simple story of angry cop + familial reinforcements go after the mob in a bloody Chicago war, but the hillbilly angle really adds something new and shiny. And that thing just happens to be a mountain militia with absurd amounts of random weapons and an arsenal of animal calls that not only serve as communication devices but acts of confusion. Did I mention the fiddle-playing? In the final showdown, they show a veritable assembly line of pb&j sandwiches and coffee in thermoses with the clear indication that they're off to war. We see shotguns, bows and arrows, rifles, crossbows, flying axes, flying knifes, and then there are the fists! So who's on each side of this classic battle of big families? Well, Swayze is the hero of course, with brothers Liam Neeson and Bill Paxton, and Helen Hunt by marriage. And they're facing off against none-other than Adam Baldwin and baby faced (yes, he's only 24 in this!) Ben Stiller. Wowzah! What a whoppa of a cast! There are also hounds and snakes, deer heads in fridges, leaps onto moving trains, pinball gags, the handcuffed destruction of a drum set, creepy pedophile laughs ("wanna play on the teeter-totter with me? he he"), the knowledge that this clearly happened before plucking eyebrows was popular (I'm looking at you Hunt), crazy bum ladies poking trash, of course, and Papa John and co. delivering pizzas. Too good my friends! Too fucking good! And while we can never reclaim what is lost, at least the period of 87-91, the ultimate pinnacle of Swayze's career in film, can still languish in original format in my dingy basement apartment. Now, that's love.

I deem it: "The penultimate of Country Justice!/Rocking music and righteous moves bring order to the land of Chicago crime!/Seriously, I want to go to Kentucky!/Patrick Swayze was born to play the leader of the Mountain Militia!/Nobody does it better.

RIP Patrick Swayze

"you don't mix rap and hum music, they're different flavors!"

For an equally awesome and seriously in-depth post on this fine flick, now with even more made-up words (did you know that was possible?), check out this crazy's site.

Erik the Viking (1989)

2009-09-05T11:48:00.001-07:00

This flitty feature is an underappreciated gift from the lesser known of the Monty Python directors: yes, that other Terry, Terry Jones. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you: this flick is pretty bizarre. It definitely has that Monty Python feel, but in a more subtly auspicious way that has you not quite sure if you're actually watching a comedy. Rest assured, it is a comedy. A black comedy, a UK comedy, but a comedy at that. I actually made a little cheat sheet so I could be sure and mention the most tickling of attributes from this delectably dark-chocolate delight. So here goes: a dragon with an angler lure and feather filled nostrils sneezes a Viking ship across space and time, a crazy shrivel faced ethnic woman warns of danger, a carved horn resounding causes damage to the drums, an Asian slave driver screams in stereotypes, atonal chords and banging machines make everything sound more exotic, the berserker is foaming at the mouth, and the ship falls off the edge of the world and plummets through space and stars to land in a world of blue sand where the gods are children with laser guns and you are greeted by zombies past. Is this the point where I a reassure you that this is a comedy again, and not some other-worldly psychedelic adventure? Oh wait, it's both! Yay! Apparently the director was completely unsatisfied with this drug-induced masterpiece, because he actually had his son re-edit it (taking out a full 25 minutes!) to try and make it better. I don't know about stealing pieces of a film, but I hope to darwin they got rid of those god-awful fade-to-blacks. What's up with those? They're the sure sign of a low-budget tv masterpiece, and I don't know why anyone would want to put Tim Robbins in such a limboingly low position. The superman music was also bizarre (at least when you consider the Vikings + Gods + cracking jokes angle). Over all, the movie may seem a little slow as you're enjoying it, but in hindsight all the skits are pretty hilarious and substantially wacky enough to make any Saturday night a bit hazy.

Final Judgment: "The sun rises after 1000 years on this golden gem of the geriatric periods!/The uglier, hairier little brother of the Monty Python greats!/Atonal music makes my toes tingle!/The quest for Angel Pussy always begins with Tim!

SLAVE-DRIVER (subtitled) Row!  You  incomprehensible,  horizontal-eyed,
Western trouser-wearers! Eurgh! You all  look  the  same  to  me! How I
despise your lack of subtlety  and your joined-up writing! You,
who have never committed ritual suicide in your lives!
SLAVE (whispering to his neighbour) You know, I don't think it would be so
bad, if we knew what he was saying...
SLAVE-DRIVER SILENCE! Unceremonious  rice-pudding  eaters!  How  I
abominate your milk-drinking and your  lack  of ancestor-worship and your
failure to eat your lunch out of little boxes!

Everything Else (August)

2009-09-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

The Tesla Seal of Approval strikes again:

Jawbreaker (1999)

The Ghost and the Darkness (1996)

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Quick Change (1990)

2009-09-01T20:17:00.001-07:00

Apparently the Murray fever (and no, that's not just a different name for swine flu) has struck us, because we have been wolfing down his lesser known films like a hot sandwich on a cold day. Yes indeedy. And while this dastardly New York comedy is actually the only directorial debut to Murray's fine name, it's certainly no black spot. Either way it's clear: this has Murray prejack written all over it. The cast is really pretty top-notch, with Geena Davis, Phil Hartman, Randy Quaid, Tony Shaloub and others, a veritable dream team of second string singers in the funny house. Basically, the entire film revolves around a bank heist, executed with Murray in a clown costume of course, and the subsequent failure to get out of the city. The plot is really irrelevant, since we all know that the only reason we watched this film (and no, it's not for the oddly unclear cover art) is to see Bill Murray spout off a bunch of one-liners. And spout he does. He also managed to high-jack the plot in a delectably devilish way so that he has a reason to play different characters in different impromptu comedy situations. Is that a wagon bell I hear? All in all, he's quite hilarious. I could lose Quaid. Shaloub is confusing at best (is that Arab impression still PC?). And Davis is her constantly classy-sassy woman-self. It's certainly not the best of Murray's movies. But it's definitely good for a chuckle. And in these economic times...

Final Judgment: "Finally, I can feel good about rooting for the bad guys!/A whole lotta sass and just a touch of sassafras/More like Quick Change into Murray's pocket!/You show 'em Murray: classic means never going out of style!/Anything with a Monster Truck is fine by me!

And to see the real masters at work....

Videodrome (1983)

2009-08-28T13:19:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm never going to tell anyone I have a media obsession again. Oh no; I didn't even begin to know what obsession was until I turned on this creeper. In fact, I'm still reeling a little bit. I'd say I don't remember the last time I felt this uncomfortable, but that would be a bold-faced lie: the last time I felt nearly this disconcerted was watching Blue Velvet. Shit, that movie is creepy. And this one is right up there with it. It's not just the S&M and the frequent nudity. No, it's not even the grotesque hallucinations of self-mutilation and organs and betatapes. Nor even the graphic snuff films. Although the giant dildo disguised as a Japanese doll and that pretty little Japanese girl in traditional geisha makeup started to cause the butterflies to stir, not even that made me squeal aloud in terror. No, no: it was actually when that chick burnt her breast with a cigarette and then he smelled the end of it in lust that I knew that I was never going to forget this movie. And I'm not alone. This shit is critically acclaimed, although it has made next to nothing. I'm sure the careers of James Woods and Debbie Harry didn't suffer (she even showed her tits!) But, it's hard to believe that this flick only cost 5$ million when the effects are so good. We're talking epic makeup/digital/claymation type moving media with gyrating tapes and beta-eating stomachs. The whole thing is horrorific, that's for sure. I'm still trying to process the brainwashing tumor, warping reality with hallucinations, assassination angle. And I think it might take a while. In the meantime, I can occupy myself with images of stomach mutations and penetrations, Harry tits, the uncomfortable realization that some people are turned on by this and the overwhelming desire to stay away from the TV.

I deem it: "Grotesquely generational and seriously psychedelic!/A festering virtual reality of wired weirdness!/The first and last time I'll even consider the remote possibility that someone thinks James Woods is attractive!/The Bible of our sickest conspiracy theorists abides with stories of the apocalyptic virtual future!/Death to Videodrome; Long Live the New Flesh!

"The taping mechanism is all self-contained; you don't have to do anything now except hallucinate."
"I can't cope with the freaky stuff."
"Watching tv will help patch them back into the world's mixing board."
"Your reality is already half video hallucination."
"The television is the retina of the mind's eye in these times."
"Reality is less than television."

Running Scared (1986)/The Man Who Knew Too Little (1997)

2009-08-25T10:31:00.000-07:00

Ahoy friends. I have been on a somewhat-lengthy hiatus to the gorgeous land of green (long life to the W-A), and I now return with a gentle slope back into internet. I've decided to start this slide with a comic duo of light-hearted proportions in the form of Billy Crystal and Bill Murray, two of the most influential hilarities of the eighties and definitely at the top of the pissing myself list. First of all, it can be no coincidence that they have almost the same name: no no, there are no coincidences, like the miracles of jesus, there is surely no way that two men so fated for the fortune and fame of Hollywood comedy could coincidentally have such a cute connection. Secondly, both Bills find themselves in the curious state of being equally and awkwardly ugly, not to the Farley extreme, but certainly notable as is almost a comic necessity. I mean, aren't fat chicks nice to make up for the chunk and ugly dudes hilarious to keep people laughing at something other than their faces? That's what I've been told at least. And these fine gentlemen find themselves now in the clean-cut but still cuttingly cuddly comedies released over a decade apart and yet still swimming in a similar vein (paddle through the blood my friends, paddle through the blood) that you see before you. While Running Scared manages to stand apart with its absolutely outrageous array of 80's costumes, Too Little carries with it a degree of planning that pays off in the most high-jinxed of ways. Oh high-jinxes, how I love you. I mean, that's all I really need to tell you, right? Billy and short-shorts? Bill as a bumbling yet oddly suave Theatre of Life participant? Come on already!

Final Judgment: "Long live the sharp-witted ugly kids (may your enemies die without sons)! = Hilarity ensues!

Masters of the Universe (1987)

2009-06-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

I've been putting off summarizing this spectacular summit of supremeness for some time, but after seeing some nerd with a Masters t-shirt indulging in a greasy slice during karaoke night at a pizza joint in Davis, I could delay no longer. Part of my procrastination derives from the fact that I'm having trouble separating this sasquatch from it's elder brother, Flash Gordon, which I have also dipped into lately. In fact, now that I think about it, I may have watched more sword and sorcery epics in the last month than in most of the rest of my movie marathon life. But who doesn't like indulging in a little S&S now and then? It's not just the greasy, hairless (at least where it counts) blonde that reminds me of Flash; you've also got the bombastic ballads, sets on 80s planets with sequins and sparkles, and an amalgamation of animalistic participants that could only come from the mind of a comic book reader. That's right, Masters pulls some legends from across the nerd game board, with Soul Caliber characters battling it out with dwarfs and sorceresses. And then there's Skeletor. His costume is actually pretty good if you can ignore the fact that the skull face is awkwardly flexible. Like, how can bone make facial expressions? But forlorn fact is not what Masters is made of. No, no, that's 1 part supergeek to 2 parts 1980's to 1 part creepy sex fantasy to 3 parts awesome. Yes; never skimp on the awesome. Even without a big enough budget (that's why they had to move the intergalactic strip-war to Earth = cheaper sets!), the money is well spent. All the scenes in Eternia are outrageously outer space and perfectly crafty castle. And while Flash managed to hyperhype the 80's era execution with the presence of the glam gods Queen, Masters pulled out its own bomb with that whole synth side plot. Yes folks, they managed to throw in an epic eighties weapon with the arrival of the scintillating and psychedelic synth instrument which is actually some sort of cross-universe portal/transportation device. Ahh, the eighties. Courtney Cox is also pretty hot in this, and I was surprised to learn that Dolph Lundgren can in fact speak English, so that's a plus. And despite the blatant Star Wars ripoffs (the parent of an era!), this miraculous mess seems to hold itself together pretty well. But, what do I know (other than eighties action/creature comedies)? Even better, the director has literally done next to nothing in his career; the only other thing I've seen by him is the T2 3-D show at Universal Studios in the mid-nineties! But hey, it was awesome! I even heard that a sequel was in the works, but after rotten reviews and a lack of funding interest, they just turned everything into a platform for Cyborg, the starring vehicle for the relatively unknown Jean Claude, and also a delectable delight. Now all we need is some sort of showdown. Oh wait, I guess that's what the Universal Soldier collection is for!

Final Judgment: "Greasy and gleaming, a god among live-action space-fantasy comedies!/Hey, it's the eighties!/Swords and synths, crazy costumes, lizards and wizards, heavy with honor and filled with fantasy (I'm not just talking about Lundgren's thighs) = a movie clearly worthy of laserdisc!/Let me turn your cosmic key!/I'll take intergalactic instruments any day!/All I want to know is, where's his pussy?

Steel Dawn (1987)

2009-06-23T19:51:00.001-07:00

Man, I was reading through the comments section for this flick on imdb, and I was more than a little flabbergasted to see some of the reviews. It's like everyone is trying to find reasons not to like this cinematic masterpiece because it might somehow degrade their hipster rating on facebook or some shit even though they were clearly awestruck by the sheer supremeness of Patrick Swayze fighting evil in an apocalyptic wasteland. There are excuses like, "This is not an example of cinematic magic...", While unworthy of an Academy Award..." and "Steel Dawn is a nice and easy to follow film-perfect for those weekday nights or when you don't want to watch something too complex that takes a lot of concentration." As if I ever needed any reason to bask in the sunlit glory of Swayze kicking mutant ass all while sporting the most beautiful mullet ever conceived and captured in cinematic history. I mean, it's more than a mullet; it's layers of mullet, and maybe a little braid. I spent much of the film toiling over the decision of which mullet was most awesome, and it was a hard one. But ultimately, the sheer fluid movement and chic gloss of Swayze's mullet beat out the competition, much as Swayze beats up people in this cleverly constructed desert wasteland where mighty mullets and eclectic weapons rule the dunes. Actually, not too much construction was required since there were only a couple of edifices, and the entire entity was filmed in Namibia. Ahh, on-site filming: does it get any better? So if you're wondering why the desert looks so damn good, and even better than you thought deserts outside of Monument Valley could look, now you know why: no CGI, fuckers! There are many other things that make this newly discovered diamond gleam above most others, including the previously mentioned diverse weapon collection and the presence of original and engineered future vehicles. Yes folks, we have lift-off. In addition to the dune-rovers, there is a sort of template for the podracers that we've all come to know and despise in Episode I, and we are graced with not just fist fights, but also sword fights, nun-chuck fights, and other crazy bladed and non-bladed WM(only in Swayze's hands)Ds. But just because there's fighting and vehicles, trysts with power, a post-apocalyptic premise and studded leather costumes doesn't mean there's that much to compare with Road Warrior. This is much more Western, with the one well of water (I'll show you my cave of wonders Nomad) and the lone dude willing to sort that shit out. Bring down the tyrants! Oh, did I mention that Swayze is so freakin' awesome in this P-A future that he gets graced with the singular name of Nomad? I mean, when they start capitalizing that shit, you know you're somebody, even if it's a somebody shrouded in mystery (and leather). Additionally, standing proud and red white and blue is none other than the late-great Brion James. Is that shirt supposed to be some sort of metaphor? If it were just the colors, I could find a way around the American dilemma. But red, white and blue combined with a blonde mullet worthy of a round in the ring with Swayze's coifed creation seems like more than a coincidence. Either way, I'm just glad they found a place to stick him in this movie. Seriously, there are only like 6 or 7 characters, and one of them is a chick not showing her tits (oh wait, that's Swayze's wife; they should be proud to share that much harrowingly awesome hair between them!), and one of them is a fat little kid who apparently scored a credit through sheer familial bonds with the producer. I just hope he shares familial bonds with either a brothel owner or a cosmetic surgeon, because dayum that kid is ugly! Regardless, I am still clueless as to why this movie isn't rolling off every action-fan tongue the way that Road House and Tall Tale...no wait...Point Break used to. I guess it could have something to do with the 1987 release. That's right, it's pretty hard to concentrate on P-A fiction when there are a million multiple o faces happening across the globe due to the girly greatness known as Dirty Dancing, a creamy classic released in the same year. How does one man accomplish so much? And in the late 80's no less! Hopefully Swayze realizes that he doesn't need monetary retribution (yes, that's right, less than a million dollars) to proudly bear this crest upon his shield of ass-kicking. Booyah!

Final Judgment: "Swayze will go out with strength and dignity, much as he has kicked ass for justice through the years!/Any future with Swayze, post-apocalyptic or no, is the future for me!/Fuck, that cover is awesome!

Gattaca (1997)

2009-06-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

I almost wasn't going to post on this classic, because I was under the assumption that everyone knows how frickin' awesome this film is. But apparently, box office receipts prove me wrong. What's up with that? I guess it sort of falls between genre audiences since it's science fiction without any special effects. But that clearly gave it more integrity. I mean, why does science fiction have to be all flying cars and talking dinosaurs? No, no, Gattaca is a much more subtle type of postulation about the future, and I for one am definitely intrigued. 12 years after the release of this sparkling gem, I'm not sure if we're any closer to the future described, a future where genetics can predetermine your place in society before you're even insured to go to kindergarten, but we're certainly not any further away. Just look at the insurance process in place now and think of all the stock (literal and figurative) being placed in scientific accuracy and reliability of genetics (I'm still on the fence). I mean, what sort of bullshit is that? Like we're somehow going to be able to unravel the code of millions of years worth of evolution when the fastest supercomputers can't even begin to handle the connections and puzzle pieces? I scoff at your arrogance! But, as we all know, logic is never quite the pretty pony calling the shots at the rodeo known as life. But I digress. The film is sweet! Who didn't want to be an astronaut as a child? And who can't understand the feeling that you're just not allowed to be exactly who'd you like to? Besides, Jude Law is hot, especially when he has all of his hair! And the sets are so classy! Not classy like a glass of Strawber ry Hill, but classy like clean and modern! They didn't even have to build them! Instead, they filmed at buildings like Frank Lloyd Wrig ht's 1960 Marin County Civic Center in San Rafael, California (thank you wikipedia). It just feels....plausible. And that is something that science fiction scientists don't always produce in their lab o' hollywood harlots. But why oh why did they try and fake that Uma Thurman is shorter than Ethan Hawke? That's bullshit! He's the short one, why should she be embarrassed? Stand tall my urban sister!

Final Judgment: "Just close enough for comfort!/A biopunk vision of liberal eugenics = awkward wariness!/Ha! Fiction determining science debates; it's good to know that imagination still has its place!/Fuck genetics! Fuck predeterminism! And Fuck the Man!

Almost Heroes (1998)

2009-06-19T10:29:00.000-07:00

Well, the tables have certainly turned. I haven't felt quite this way since the monstrous responsibility of Dragstrip Girl. I mean, it had to be done; I had to post about this movie. But for once, I'm falling in line with the critics and not the jolly imdb commenters that we've all come to love and trust. To be quite truthful, this scares me, but I guess we can't win them all. Let's be honest, I watched this movie for two basic reasons: it looked absolutely awful and I'd never heard of it despite the fact that Chris Farley is in it. I mean, I know my way around the Blockbuster or two, so a Farley movie should be common knowledge. Especially when you consider the fact that it is officially the last starring role that Farley ever appeared in. And I thought Beverly Hills Ninja was bad! It's hard to laugh at the jokes when you can practically see Farley's suicidal drug thoughts scrolling across his pupils. Ohh, the degradation. I mean, there were a few laughs. And Eugene Levy is always worth a chuckle in ugliness. But mostly, it was a little depressing. The one gag I can't get out of my head (and totally not in a good way) are the straw prostitutes. Yes, if you ever wanted to see a grown man so starved for the female coochie that he will cajole, woo and fuck a scarecrow in a dress at the local brothel, you're in luck. The stock footage of squirrel and eagle bits were pretty good too. And I always love some good animatronics. Otherwise, it's just classic Farley, which, don't get me wrong, isn't a terrible thing, with the dude falling off cliffs and down trees and over waterfall rapids, etc. etc. etc. And Matthew Perry? Even the days of Friends glory couldn't keep him out of this mess. Other people seem to think that rewatching this gem will result in some sort of state of enlightenment where you think every minute of it is hilarious. I appear to have much to learn, my sensei. Instead, for me this appears to be the height of nineties ridiculousness and patheticness. And all while watching some tramp with vegetable oil in her lips prance around and remind me what's wrong with Hollywood these days. Oh well, at least it looks like they found at least one real Indian.

Final Judgment: "I'd be laughing if I wasn't crying."

Everything Else (May and June)

2009-06-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

It appears that I'm starting a new category: Everything Else (I've Been Watching). That's right, I can do that. This one is for all those classics that don't quite need another post, but are still pretty dang good. That way, if you're looking for something "safe," you know you've got the Tesla Seal of Approval!

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

Police Academy (1984)

Double Trouble: A Far Off Place (1993) and Wild America (1997)

2009-06-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

Well, it is time to approach that epically metaphysical yet oh-so-Middle American question: which came first, the chicken or the egg? Why do I bring up such delicate banter now you ask? Because, upon watching movies of my childhood that are both heart-warming and totally awesome, I have to wonder, which came first: did my love for the common features of these dual delights lead me to enjoy these fine films, or do I like the things I like because of the movies I watched during development? I guess, first-off, we should address the commonalities (it's a little uncanny, especially since I don't remember making these connections before). As is typical with young adult movies, both films deal with issues of adolescence, standing up against adults, pursuing dreams and fighting for what you believe in. Okay, easy enough to see how both plots could end up on the same family friendly shelf. But we also need to include exotic locales, Aboriginal inhabitants, wild animals, respect for said animals, dream-states, life-threatening situations, and the ever deal-making cave paintings. Oh, the cave paintings, on which I spent a year of life! I adore you! But why? What draws me to these things? I, for one, (Krishnamurti willing) will have to ponder on these questions throughout the days, perhaps never finding an inkling of answer or satisfaction. But, since the movies are filmed on location, filled with crazy natives and crazier animals (some are even people in suits!) and spotted with an explosion or two, I know that at least I will always have some inspiring fiction to watch while I cerebrate.

Final Judgment: "Fiesty kids and real deserts make me happy!/Regardless of the origin, my life is gladly filled with the mysteries of wildlife and cave paintings!/Ahhhh, why do these children never get any older looking?!/You can always count on the magic of movies to take you back to a time of wonder!/Oh girl-faced boys and wild animals!/If I've learned one thing, it's that you're never too young to hallucinate!

Theodore Rex (1995)

2009-06-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

My oh my, I think I've finally found a secret love that lives within the heart of me. Yes, oh yes, this movie is blatantly irreverent, wildly veracious and voracious, and still reeking of desperation; it's a combination that so frequently leads to the creation of something beautiful. Not to say that somebody didn't try and hit the breaks. Whoopi, realizing that she had somehow agreed to this horribly frankensteinian movie premise while under the influence of at least one condemned substance, tried like hell to back the fuck out of this shit-fest. But, after the filings of a $20 million lawsuit, she sucked it up and figured, hey, I can always add something to the cultish celebrity of weirdos like Tesla and Spencer. But don't worry; her lawyer definitely did what lawyers do best since Whoopi walked away with almost 1/5 of the total budget. Dayum gurl! Don't get me wrong; this movie is not bad, and I'm not criticizing it for its shortcomings. In fact, this movie is so freaking brilliant that it managed to make off with one of the lowest imdb ratings I've ever seen. I've even included a list of other atrocities/movies that reviewers seem to think are better than my good ole Theodore Rex (see below). In truth, the movie is kind of without a genre home or reliable audience (I guess Ivy-educated transcendentalist techno-weirdos aren't a big market), and it really pulls together some odd concepts in a movie that must be for kids but yet doesn't have in kids in it or a plot that can be enjoyed by kids. But I'm definitely giving credit to the genius who thought putting detective dinosaurs and Black bioware cyborg cops into a movie about specist tendencies, workplace equality and madcap plans for the Ice-Age Apocalypse while still including terms like "butt-trumpet" was somehow a money making opportunity. It seems clear that this is a point-of-no-return type of piece; as in, they just put so much time and effort and money into it, they felt too terrible to pull the plug and put this poor, bed-ridden, comatose, vegetable-brained child out of its misery. And where does this credit go? To none other than Johnathan R. Betuel, the mastermind behind my absolutely favorite 80's Dennis Hopper symphony, the lovely, the beautiful, the breathtaking My Science Project. Betuel's even got The Last Starfighter under his belt. Now, that's a resume! And while Whoopi makes her anger for this most expensive of straight-to-video masterpieces evident in every line that she spews forth in fire, for me, it only makes it funnier. There are so many points of absurdity (is there even a reason that these dinosaurs are intelligent?) and so many questionable decisions (the clothes! oh, the clothes [tri-cloved chucks and yellow turtlenecks?]!) that I'm going to have to watch it at least another 10 times before I can truly penetrate its brilliance. Who knows, maybe the meaning of life is trapped in here somewhere. With Theodore and Whoopi (oh shit, and Richard fucking Roundtree!) on my side, anything is possible!

I deem it: "A smoking gun of nineties consumerism and millennium confusion!/A tail you'll never forget!/Clearly a message from the Beyond!/Dinosaurs and cyborgs together at last = all hail the apocalypse!/Betuel, will you marry me?

"These reviews that claim this movie is so bad its good are going way overboard with that one. This movie does not have the guilty pleasure badness that Leonard Part 6, Battlefield Earth and Gigli had. Those movies were entertaining in their awfulness but this pile of dinosaur dung is so bad its painful. I haven't been in this much pain watching a bad movie since I watched Baby Geniuses and Superbabies."

"I thought Burglar was bad but it takes a backseat to Theodore Rex: the worst movie of Whoopi's career."

"Even little kids would be cringing in horror at this Thing. It reminded me of a particularly bad episode of 'Sigmund And The Sea Monsters'. Actually, come to think of it, 'Sigmund' was vastly superior to this."

"This movie was astonishing. It is beyond atrocious. I often get together with a group of friends and go to the movie store to find awful movies to watch for their comedic value. My friend suggested this one, but as we watched it, people began to leave...I would rather watch Costner's The Postman twelve times in a row than see a fraction of this movie again."

"After giving Pokemon the Movie one point, giving this movie one point seems like nothing short of charity."

"Ever since I started visiting this site, and voting for movies, I have never given any movie a rating of 1. Even the disturbing "Dance! Workout with Barbie" got a 2. There is a reason for this. Any time I find myself watching what I think is a really bad movie, I have to stop and ask myself the following question: "Is this movie really as bad as the horrific soul-sucking beast that is 'Theodore Rex'?" And I've never been able to answer "yes". I would give anything within reason to know what crackhead said "Hey! Let's remake 'Blade Runner' with Barney in the Harrison Ford Role!" and decided it was a good idea to actually spend the time and money to commit it to film."

"Once you realise it's an awful movie - as early as the prologue, the experience of this movie is equal to watching a retarded dog trying to fuck a door handle! It's mesmerising, and terrifying in equal measure!"

The Man with Two Brains (1983)

2009-06-12T12:25:00.001-07:00

Well, everyone knows that Steve Martin is funny, right? But why? I mean, as much as I love Queen Latifah, Bringing Down the House isn't really doing that much for me. Thankfully, a trip down memory lane and through the movie stacks reminded me exactly why Steve Martin is funny in the epically convoluted shape of The Man with Two Brains. I mean, this movie is pretty fucking highlarious. And I do not use this word randomly, because somebody was clearly doing some kind of drugs when they put this together ("Hey, it's the eighties!"). It's a spoof, it's chock full of gags, and I even did some gagging myself. We've got a variety of subplot themes in this beauty including new medical science (the screw-top brain transplant/Dr. Necessitar: "As you know, my research has advanced to a point where I can put her mind into the body of a gorilla." Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: "I couldn't fuck a gorilla!"), the gold-digging wife who has recently undergone a serious procedure ("When a woman who has just had brain surgery says she's has a headache, you've got to listen!") and the ever elusive but oddly convenient rampant sexual serial killer (Merv Griffin, what are you doing here?). Did I mention that Martin falls in love with a telepathic disembodied brain? Yes, a love so deep that he takes it out to the lake with a pair of wax lips and a sun hat for some "good times." Even a little time in the oven can't tear them apart. Indeed, the sexual aspect of this film was bordering on obscene. I mean, how many fingers can one woman suck? But the horny doctor finding a sexy siren to house his newfound brain lover is an important part of the plot. And after all that trouble and all that trauma finding a hot bod, what does that bitch forget to mention?: All that effort was meaningless because the woman is a compulsive eater! Ahh comedy.

Final Judgment: "Too many gags to even regurgitate!/Steve Martin is the ultimate 80's man!/Success! Every minority type will be equally insulted!/Brains in jars = count me in!/You'll laugh your cranium off!"

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

2009-06-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

Well, don't even try and tell me that this puppy's not on Tesla Terrain. Because it's certainly checked off all of the reqs on the list including: the box office failure, the terrible reviews and the cult niche. Yes, yes, it may be just a touch over the film/theater performance line (you can see the set to screen translation, and all the actors are just a little too loud to be film natives). And they definitely didn't give Sarah Brightman enough respect, credit or music, despite the fact that she is not only clearly in her element but also the most talented and the most beautiful of the cast. But, and I can say this honestly, it's not very often that I see a movie that I haven't seen before. And this was definitely something new. I think they use the term 'rock-opera,' and not because people are singing operatically, but because there is music and singing entirely throughout the production; the tracks may not be great, but the feature is built around the music. But rock-opera leaves out other necessary terminology like post-apocalyptic future, big business organ owners, and plastic surgery medical procedures gone wild where the parts can be repossessed without warning. Yikes. We're talking Saw meets Rocky Horror meets Escap e from LA. And Lionsgate does it again. They're my favorite label for the off-kilter, no one else wants to say it, type of shit. Like Cube; that shit is fucked up! This shit is definitely fucked up too. But it's not quite over the top, and that's why it works. The blood is bloody, but not unnecessary; instead, it paints a world where humans use medicine to meet their whims and big business is always there to squeeze the money out. I don't know what's up with the corpse disposal though. I mean, why don't they just burn all those bodies instead of stuffing them into corners and letting crazy street freaks suck out bio accumulated chemicals to shoot up into some other crazy street freaks? It's a mystery. What's not a mystery is the fact that Anthony Stewart Head and Paris Hilton both managed to end up in this tricky corner of cult cinema; everybody needs publicity!

I deem it: "Clearly a cult piece waiting to be discovered by the makeup wearing cinema artistes who like to look at roadkill!/Oh Sarah, your gracefulness transcends the depths you've fallen!/A brilliantly envisioned future where starlets don't just forget to fasten on their panties but their newly acquired faces as well!/Dark and dramatic, squishy and goth all over = the age of Lambert!

Masterminds (1997)

2009-06-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

Well, those who know me know that I'm always down for a little family-friendly action-adventure. That's exactly where this puppy sits. I've actually been looking for this film for a while; I guess I saw it on TV or something and knew that it was genius. I never had any memory of the cast or title; I just knew that it had to do with kids one-upping adults. Lo and behold, a trip through the extra discounted rack at Rasputin put me face to face with this squeeze and shake beauty, and I didn't even have to think about it twice before I knew I was looking at my long lost love. It's no wonder I thought this film was awesome the first time I saw it: A nerdy hacker named Ozzie squares off against the always shiny and not-too-scary villain that is Patrick Stewart. If Home Alone and Die Hard had a secret love child in the nineties, I think you can call off the hunt: this baby is found! The movie is pretty legit, with ATVs and landmines and pranks galore. You can barely even tell that it's Canadian! Yes, my filthy friends, this movie was produced by a Canadian company and proud of it. I don't know if that explains the recorded earning of only a million dollars: perhaps there's a secret internet movie database up north. There could be a whole lot of secret things up there now that I think about it. Has anyone you know actually been to Northern Canada? Don't discount Stargate; and imagine the possibilities!

Final Judgment: "Soaked in nineties, slithering in pop culture and sickeningly awesome!/Forget man vs. machine, this is pure kooky adolescent vs. condescending adult, and with a girly and defiant boy-nerd at the helm we all know who's going to win (right?)!/Don't bash the child protagonists!/The underdog pulls through once again!

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)

2009-06-04T18:54:00.001-07:00

In honor of the demise of the honorable David Carradine, on this 4th of June, 2009, I have decided to post on his greatest of movies. No, I'm not talking about Kill Bill or Kung Fu; this is the highly underrated fantasy film The Warrior and the Sorceress. It made almost zero money, there's no posted trivia about it, and it has one of the lowest ratings I've ever seen on imdb.com. But, what's up with that? This movie is clearly a great work of art. How could anyone read these crucial keywords (village, warrior, well, love, remake of Japanese film, sorcerer, sword and sorcery, drowning, woman drowned, remake, martial arts, male female relationship, nudity, priest, princess, castle, sex, nude woman murdered, and independent film), see that Carradine is in it to win it, and not watch and love this movie before a fortnight has passed? I mean, let me spell it out for you: the female lead is topless in every single one of her scenes. That's one way to cut back on wardrobe costs! There was so much t&a in this shit, I practically cried myself to sleep. There's even some full frontal! Add that to martial arts and sword fights, a totally tubular animatronic bipedal lizard, tricky situations, a four tittied b/witchy erotic dancer, nonhuman jittery goblin-faced idiot slavers, the robes and the robbed, and you've pretty much got every teenage boy's wet dream. Or maybe I should just speak for myself. Either way, that's hott. Other points of interest include: the infinite abyss that are Carradine's thighs, a giant puppet octopus creature, the fact that this entire movie might be dubbed and, of course, the knowledge that Carradine is a wily son-of-a-bitch who plays everybody like a skilled flautist. Oh yes.

Final Judgment: "Carradine lives on in barbaric legendry and castles of kick-ass!/Oh the eighties; you were so awesome we're going back in sexualization time to compensate!

R.I.P.

Flash Gordon (1980)

2009-06-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

Wowzah, I'm still coming back down from this intergalactic trip. I mean, this could definitely be in the running for the most out of control movie I've ever seen. The script is pretty fair to the original comic, but that still doesn't explain away any of this 70's/80's craziness. Apparently, George Lucas was even keying in on this concept, but he didn't make it to the rights in time (don't worry, he wrote Star Wars instead). The film had a serious budget of $30 million which was a pretty cherry chunk of change back then, and I'd like to think they used it well. I mean, it's no Star Wars, and they definitely made a few misjudgments along the way (like why didn't they hire Kurt Russell and Dennis Hopper? = insanity!). But all in the all, the movie is definitely...memorable. It's as if this director, who has done almost nothing of consequence, just won the film-budget jackpot, and, realizing that he will never see this amount of money again, attempted to complete every wacky character idea that has ever strayed across his confused desert of a mind. There are beary hairy cherubs, tree people, multi-colored midgets, Ming the Merciless (ruler of planet Mongo), and, oh shit!, Timothy Dalton. And the costumes! We're talking serious beading with crazy textures and dimensions and colors. Apparently Ming's costume weighed some 70lbs of crazy! I spent the majority of the movie attempting to decide which awesome costume I would wear to a Halloween party in my ideal world. It was difficult, to say the least. And the planetary atmosphere is made of psychedelic swirling colors (dye in water tanks), with awesome, futuristic floating cities dotting the horizon! I'm glad I have a stable mind, or it must just have blown. And did I mention: the theme song, and all of its derivative, were written and performed by Queen = out of this world! This is almost everything I could have wanted in a cheesy, big-budget, saving the earth from stylish aliens type of flick. There's even a pillow fight!

I deem it: "Appropriately daft and deliciously decadent!/Chains, whips and leather, oh my!/Enough to make your (supposedly) most important organ sizzle its way into cervell e brulee! /The legal way to make it through probation!

Alien Apocalypse (2005)

2009-06-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

Man oh man; well, I almost hate to admit it, but I've clearly become one of those people who buys a movie, cheesy cover and all, exclusively because Bruce Campbell is in it. This disaster is a most excellent example (as is that other gem on my shelf: Goldrush: A Real Life Alask an Adventure = yikes!). In fact, not only is Bruce Campbell the only (cough cough) notable actor in this shit-filled shenanigan (oh wait, don't forget the Lucy Lawless stand-in, and always trusty sidekick, Renee O'Connor!), but most of the other actors don't even speak English! As if the classically bad wigs and facial hair weren't fake enough as it was! No no, taking low budget to a third-world extreme, this entire movie was filmed in Bulgaria. And that is also where they hired 99% of the actors. I guess dubbing is easier than paying taxes in the U.S. of A. But seriously, this movie is out of control low budget. The sets are terrorific, the actors are pathetic (that stupid chick only elicits brainwaves when she's tossing things around like an idiot, giving a bad name to woman everywhere!), and its obvious that Bruce Campbell made up most of the script on the spot. And don't forget the constant TV-requisite fade-to-blacks = always a barrel of laughs. Sadly enough, as terrible as the movie was, I will probably still continue to buy Campbell cult classics. The dude's a fucking icon!

Final Judgment: "Astronauts, aliens and fluids galore!/People of the woods rejoice: Your smart-mouthed savior has arrived!/Once again, made for TV = made for my cobwebbiest shelves!/Bruce Campbell, I'll always love you!

Yesterday, they were only astronauts. Today, they're humanity's only hope.
And yes, this was the Sci-Fi Channel's highest rated made-for-tv classic ever debuted. Youch!

Literary Review

2009-06-01T15:00:00.001-07:00

Well, I just couldn't pass up the chance to share some of my scintillating science-fiction reads. And while the infamous they may say that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, I declare, "go right ahead." After all, images have certainly been known to say more than words. And there's nothing like visual context to demonstrate author and audience intent.
Final Judgment: Decadent images leave me craving more!

The Faculty (1998)

2009-05-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

Ahh, the nineties. This here is one of them 'time-and-place' kinda pictures, where every part of it seems like an awkwardly unintentional representation of just a few short years in some specific kinda place. For The Faculty, this time is the second half of the nineties, and the place is Texas, U.S. of A. Like all Robert Rodriguez pics, we get a bunch of cameos by mostly, as of 1998, undiscovered stars like Salma Hayek, Jon Stewart, Robert Patrick, Famke Janssen, Usher, and Elijah Wood. Oh, and Josh Hartnett and Jordana Brewster are in it, but they're not really going anywhere on the fame ladder. I was a little shocked with this piece, much like the first time I watched From Dusk till Dawn. Like in that flick, where I was suddenly and heartily thrust into the world of vampires, The Faculty took me by surprise. This time it's aliens. To be honest, I was totally suspecting on the zombie side of the field, but creepy CGI aliens coming out of pods and drinking water endlessly it is. Actually, the whole thing publicly acknowledges its primary inspiration by, and quasi-plagarism of, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, an important work of cult science-fiction. This time it's the 90's twist. We've got the most quintessentially late nineties high school students (the nerd, the jock, the bitch, the new girl, the intelligent outcast, the quasi-lesbian goth, the one Black kid, etc..) doing quintessential things like selling homemade drugs out of house cleaners and caffeine pills. In fact, the director pulled a product placement exchange with Tommy Hilfiger, completing the stereotype in a dimension that I had barely considered. The school violence is a little uncomfortable but still oddly appropriate. And the football team angle completes every Gen Y's high school experience. Oh high school. Am I the only one who went to a high school where jocks didn't beat the shit out of people? What's up with that? No seriously, it's no wonder Elijah looks like a little girl, because after a few of those flagpost nut-hits, he's not even going to have man parts anymore. Anyway, the movie was a success, making back just under 3x it's original budget of $15 million. The blood and gore seems mostly legit. The stereotypes are spot-on. The twists and turns keep you guessing. And somehow (oh wait, it's the fortune and fame angle), the nerd gets the girl.

Final Judgment: "Finally, a movie that will make you feel a little better about your own HS experience!/CGI aliens really complete the absurdity and cheesiness of this passionate gruyere!/If I was ever going to experiment in creepy sex fetishes, Patrick would definitely be my guy!/Oh the baby-faced boys!

"Now these 6 students won't just question authority: they'll have to destroy it."

Tapeheads (1988)

2009-05-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

Well, this is pretty much one of those movies that reminds me why I do what I do. Yes indeed-y, there's nothing like spending hours sifting through stacks of and stacks of movies, primarily unwanted copies of Austin Powers II, Batman & Robin and Picture Perfect, only to discover a hidden gem, a masterpiece which might not have otherwise wandered across your crooked path. This is one of those movies. Made in 1988 by an unknown, Bill Fishman, who continues on his journey within obscurity, this puppy was produced on just $10k. Now that's a legit low-budget flick. And, it actually made money, can you believe it? Oh, the hope. The original hipster of films, this piece of work combines parody with absurdity, insanity and vulgarity, a prettier mix I've never seen before. And reasoning out why Cusack and Robbins agreed to be in this off-kilter independent piece simultaneously boggles and arouses my mind. I mean, they had both been in some serious stuff, like Top Gun and Sixteen Candles; even Better off Dead! Oh well, whatever their reasons, they have triumphantly climbed aboard the pedestal of movie greatness, at least in my brain. And for some reason, my brain is really where I get all of my best information. Other cameos include Doug E. Fresh, Weird Al Yankovich, Courtney Love, etc. Oh, the '80s. But seriously: claymation chicken, a glittery Swedish band, a tits and ass video, the midriff with sweatpants, the skeeze moustache, an African-American cowboy band, the totally random chick fight with nunchaku and switchblades, an amazing music treble cleft glitter jacket, and a barrel jamaican band with video cop and public sex. And those are just the parts I bothered to write down!

I deem it: A barrel of fun and some outrageous primates (Cusack and Robbins that is)/Everything I could dream of in an 1980's music-scene comedy/Oh the outfits!/Tits and Ass forever!

Crossworlds (1997)

2009-05-22T20:15:00.001-07:00

I'm the first to admit, I was late to hop on the Hauer-express, but now, I just can't say no! Although, to be fair, Hauer with a didgeridoo on the cover was only about 2/3 of the reason that I bought this movie. There was also this concept of transdimensional travel and a red planet with a giant sun. Unfortunately, the cover was slightly misleading. First of all, that's a fucking staff, not a didgeridoo. I mean, they had to go and get me so excited about the bizarre possibilities of how that was going to play out and it turned out to be a staff? And then the planet of red, another misleading representation of legitimate sci-fi. No, there was only the same desert as in the other shot, but with a red filter. Just because I didn't direct a couple of girly tv-shows doesn't mean I don't know what a filter looks like! To give the film credit, the last 4 minutes are really all I had wanted the entire movie: a military operation in a dimension on another planet with two suns. Other than that last awesome bit, the other dimensions are clearly just people dressed in period clothing. I mean, come on; what's the chance that you're going to transdimensionalize into an era so close to the one we're currently living in? Out of all the millions and billions of years in the universe....But what dimension is this movie living in? That's a whole nother question. Because the earliest date I'm seeing for this flick is 1996, but I swear to god, these people are all wearing 93/94 clothes, tops. We actually did some research to see what "normal" people looked like in 1994. It was pretty amazing. But seriously, another question: why the hell was Jack Black in this movie? I mean, why did we spend the first ten minutes at some dopey college party with Black hackin' it up and getting wasted? It's slightly beyond me, but just slightly. And the Arabs and the dwarf? Oh well; you can't completely lambaste the crazy sci-fi when you're so lucky as to be blessed with a nugget of rocket-head and low-budget rumpus, brouhaha, donnybrook or hullabaloo. I'm tempted to post this other commentary and let it do all the ironic speaking for me (ironic for you and me, not for them). And temptation has won again.

"Sometimes I wonder what the drive is for making a movie. In my world there is supposed to me some sort of reason for spending millions of dollars on producing a movie. In the case CROSSWORLDS I am lost. I am not able to grasp why on earth this movie is made. It is so bad so bad.

Most of all because the movie does not even *try* to tell us what is all about. I can deal with movies that *tries* to tell us something very unbelievable. I find THE MATRIX a great movie and I can even appreciate STARGATE because both movies *try* to persuade their viewers to go along with a unbelievable story. In the case with CROSSWORLDS they just blabber around with scepters, warlords, keys, gates and trans-dimensional armies. There is absolutely no meaning in all this and they don't even try to make a meaning of it.

If that wasn't enough there is so many horrible scenes and bad acting in this movie that it would feel like a pleasure to sit through even the worst Jean Claude Van Damme movie. How about:

*1* The army of Ferris that is supposed to have conquered an entire dimension - but where is it????? Nowhere. Apparantly it consists of two handfulls of arab warriors. And they can't even beat a fat Rutger Hauer - I have trouble seeing them and their kind conquer an entire dimension unless that dimension was populated with blind dwarfs with no arms. *2* How is Joe able to fight (and win over) these lame arab warriors shortly after he almost fell unconsious to the ground and was sick to his stomach - caused by transdimensional jetlag (no kidding). How about that for a sudden cure! *3* A.T.s little workshop dissappears suddenly and turns into an ordinary motel room. But when Joe comes back the workshop is there again - he has apparantly done something different. But what is it?? The movie don't even try to explain it. Well I guess the workshop is transdimensional too. *4* Why did Ferris save Laura and Joe when they fall to the ground after he has pushed them of the roof. Instead of killing them? The movie offers no explanation. *5* What is it with these ravens that are scattered around in the movie? The producers offer os no explanation.

And I really could go on - the nonsence just continues in this "movie". The last 10 minutes of the movie are almost unbearable. The acting and the writing and the nonsence reached record depth. I almost cried out "WHY WHY WHY". The movie offers no explanation.

Rating: 1 of 10. " - Rimmer-10

Final Judgment: "Transdimensional Warfare + Rutger Hauer = No Explanation Needed!"

Só Forró (1975)

2009-05-13T18:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I could find nothing about this album online, although a few of the artists came up on sites like "musicapopular." I don't really know what that's all about because the album is pretty freaking solid. I mean, as long as you like Brazilians and the accordion, we should be flying high here. The LP in my possession is actually a 1983 re-release of the same album, and like the internet, provides little to no information about itself. I can see that it's a compilation with tracks from dudes named Leonel, Silveira and Adolfo, and I can tell from the complete lack of english and the no-name label that it was actually pressed and released in Brasil, but other than that, we're mostly in the dark. But pray ask yourself?: what more could we really want? If the music alone isn't enough, you better pack your Hohner and go.
Final Judgment: "¡Baile mi esclavo, baile!

Der Grosse Zapfenstreich (1966)

2009-05-13T18:24:00.001-07:00

Well, on this sunny day filled with dogs and sushi, I thought I'd throw up a few musical ventures onto this here blog-o-mystery. Where better to start than with the Germany military marches?! Played by the Band of the 11th Panzer-Grenadier Division, this LP was released as part of the Polydor International Music Series, because nothing says the 60's like German drums-a-banging. And the album comes with a nice big warning label: "Authentic recording produced in Hamburg." Well, I guess with all that South Seas shit masquerading as the real article with natives on the cover when it's actually some sort of Broadway assassin, an actuality advertisement ain't all that bad (reminds me of that SARS-free tourist shop I stopped by in St. Petersburg...). Irregardless, there's plenty of banging, lots of cadence, and quite a few tattoos (sounds like my first girlfriend). And there are some pretty random marches like "March of the Finnish cavalry of the 30 years war" and "Ancient tattoo from the 18th century." I even learned that tattoos originated in wine and revelry, as did most good things. So suck it up, enjoy the beat and think authority. As the album itself declares, this music can only provide you with one thing:
Final Judgment: "A glorious sound from ancient time recalls the murmur of eternity"

Recap! Classics Alert!

2009-05-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

I've been catching Spencer up with all of the classic movies that he somehow missed as a child. These creatures most definitely made the list. And I quite enjoyed reliving so many moments of joy in the form of delirious action films. Commence!

Superman I (1979) and II (1980) - Man oh man, these are classic. And they were made so long ago! Christopher Reeve was spry and limber, Gene Hackman still had a passion to live, and comic relief was a must have in any box-office action adventure. I was definitely one of those kids asking why people didn't recognize him; he just has different hair and some glasses! His demeanor is pretty good though, so credit there. But seriously, the comedy in this is over the top, off the hook, out of control: pick your moniker. The ape of a sidekick is pretty epically foolish, as is the dumb blonde in a hot-air balloon. And I appreciate how the director (the second one; the one who used the death of the Donner's cinematographer to completely regraft the film into an even more ridiculous bonanza) attempted to use every frickin' film technique known to man or god. Brilliant! Final Judgment: "Of course he's Jewish!"

Con Air (1997) - If I had to pick one movie to represent action before the turn of the millennium, this would be it. Although, since it's part of a Cagey trio (The Rock! Face/Off!), it is interchangeable with either of the other brilliant installments. Seriously, I don't think a movie without Michael Bay attached to it can get any more epic. This was actually the director's first foray into feature length, and I bet that Bay shut him up with a few hits to the knees after this piece; couldn't have any over-drama competition! But really, a long-haired military officer whose hands are deadly weapons thanks to his proud and honorable service and who accidentally kills some guy defending his wife and then somehow gets mixed up with the worst of the worst criminals who, for some reason, they've decided to stick all onto the same plane with advance warning for planning, from whom he then has to protect his diabetic black friend and the pretty lady jail guard. Woo-ee. And that doesn't even emphasize the heroic drama music pulsing throughout the film, John Malkovich, John Cusack, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi or Dave Chapelle. I mean, it doesn't get any more American patriotic, masculine, beat the shit out of everything, action genre than this! Final Judgment: "Oh Shit!/How do I live without you?"

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979): Okay, so I admit, I'd never actually seen this movie before. Yes, I'm a first time Trekker. But you got to start somewhere! I'm not sure how TV-Trekkies felt about this picture, but I thought it was pretty fucking amazing. I mean, it's the Singularity! Yes, that fucking Singularity follows me around wherever I go! If not the traditional definition of man merging with machine to form a new species, you at least have the evolution of artificial intelligence to a sentient being. The villain is the fucking Voyager! That's so amazing! Apparently, tens of thousands of years travelling through outer space can lead to some serious thinking. They even invented special instruments and everything was colorful and insightful and epic. If I had known that this is what I was missing in Star Trek, I would have gotten on this shit a long time ago! Final Judgment: "Oh the Singularity, how you mock my mortal soul!"

The Secret of NIMH (1982)

2009-05-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

Man, there are so many reasons why this film is awesome. It's actually a little crazy how many reasons there are. And the fact that it's animated is just the umbrella under which they fall. First of all, Don Bluth, one of the greatest animator/storytellers of all times, literally defected from Disney to make this film since the big D thought it was "too dark" to be a commercial success. No seriously, the 20+ animators that followed Bluth out of the Disney Dungeon were labeled "The Disney Defectors." Since Disney is basically the Demon behind copyright issues, I think we can all throw out a "super-awesome" for that one. The subject matter is definitely dark, and that's probably why I loved it growing up. I mean, lambasting animal testing and depicting animals that are smarter than humans? That's what I live for (cough cough, Neanderthal species concept)! Those rats are so fucking awesome with their reading and their electricity and their councils and magic powers! Have you ever seen any animated characters more bad-ass than Nicodemus? Or what about the Great Owl? Two bad-asses with glowing eyes in one movie? Totally tubular! In fact, it's a little confusing how the movie pulled a G rating when they were aiming for PG with the death and violence and totally crazy-dark-deep theme. They blamed some of the poor reception on the rating (the system always finds a way to fuck you I guess), and it's really obvious how that's a possibility, especially with the completely out-of-character covers they been putting out lately. They're all shiny and brightly-colored with smiling animals like this is some fucking walk through the woods and not a deeply metaphysical examination of animal consciousness, evolution, and theories of magic and transcendence (okay, so I don't know if it's quite that deep...)! Well, if you actually get past the pathetically childish DVD cover, you will happen upon a film with some seriously invested animation. The imdb trivia page uses phrases like "color Xerography," "backlit art in an anamorphic format," "multiplane camera" and "pseudo-hologram." Yes, pseudo-hologram; does it get any more awesome? (yes, I'm a nerd; was there really any question?). Indeed, the film had 1078 backgrounds and over 600 colors. Okay, now I'm just fact-spouting. But seriously, "the multiplane techniques... adapted for the project include a pseudo-hologram and the use of backlit animation making every dewdrop sparkle or supernatural amulet glow with a brilliance never seen before in animated films since Fantasia (1940)." They make it sound like something so original and awe-inspiring (which it is), but what the fuck had they been doing for the past 40 years? Why is film technology going backwards? It's so confusing! It probably goes hand in hand with our shortened attention spans and the increasing need to consume absolutely everything. The point is, Secret of NIMH is awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

I deem it: "Rambunctiously radical, motivated and moral/Put this on the list with Ferngully for movies that triumphantly turned me into a little hippie/I have to get on building that Bluth shrine in my corner.

Max Payne (2008)

2009-05-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, well before you even ask that oh-so-fated question: no, I've never played the game. And you know what?: Who fucking cares?! If a movie can't stand on its own, than why even bother? This film wasn't even a traditional box office failure since it tripled its budget in returns. But everybody hated it! Like, some serious hating going down. Maybe it's the game-bros-before original-thought-hos thing or something, but people really, really disliked this movie. Personally, I thought it was one of the better action movies to hit screens in the last half-decade or so. First of all, the cinematography is gorgeous. Wide-screen and vivid, high contrast, real sets; the whole rigmarole. In fact, for a $35 million budget, it's pretty impressive. They used high speed photography to create effects, shot at night to hype up the darkness, and used minimal green screen. There are even crazy man-puppet-demons! That's right, give props to Mako, the dude in the make-up and Celtic demon suit. I mean, the movie looked good. And to me, that's worth a million words. For other people, it just doesn't seem to be the case, since most complaints consisted of "boring script" and "not enough action." It's pretty pathetic when visuals can't pull along a film (go get a fucking radio, you idiots) and jerkweeds on imdb suggest that without John Woo's 'American slo-mo,' an action movie just ain't right. And that's why I threw this one up there: total disrespect for the visual! And with hallucinations and all!

Final Judgment: "Dark and delicious!/Aren't crazed hallucinations and death-defying drugs enough anymore?/Craftfully creepy in a comic-con, religious-thriller, action-flick sort of way!/It slides right down!/Pay homage to the screen, not the mindless banter!

Drop Zone (1994)

2009-04-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

My oh my: yet another movie where Steven Seagal was the lead choice and he turned it down for bigger and more succulent fish (eg. Under Siege 2) which is now rotting in locations other than my movie collection. Oh Seagal, how fat and far you've fallen. But let's shine the spotlight o' glory where it truly belongs: on the shiny head of Wesley Snipes. Yes, without Snipes, this movie would just be another Freefall, destined to be completely unrecognizable and mostly regrettable (I speak without credentials in this case; I've never been finagled into watching this beauty). On the other hand, it's hard to blame the poor box office performance of Drop Zone on its concurrent release with other skydiving movies, because Terminal Velocity, starring Charlie Sheen, and released the same year, also couldn't make back its budget. I guess people just weren't jiving with the sky-diving. Well, it's their loss. Because this movie is absolutely watchable. You've got Yancy Butler kicking ass and taking punches, along with Gary Busey being his vile ole self, and Snipes rounding out the team with his cop on a mission shtick. There are other characters as well, including some chick who looks like a melted version of Butler (why was she necessary? and why do they have exactly the same hair?), and my personal favorite, the absolutely loony Swoop (dive on my crazy W-A brother!). All in all, it's a well-rounded team of misfits and miscreants, and a couple of fucked-in-the-faces. Add in sky-diving, murder and mayhem, plus the disgruntled Busey mug, and you've got a real knee-slapping good time.

I deem it: "A seriously tripped out action movie by the little known king John Badham!/A 25+ person sky-diving configuration means the dopest stunts I've seen in ages!/Traditionally tantalizing and tasteful!

Demolition Man (1993)

2009-04-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

I hereby proclaim this one of the greatest dystopian action movies of all times. Do you dare deny it? Well, you can think whatever you want, but as the proud owner of literally hundreds of dystopian action movies, I'd take my word over yours (no offense). Believe it or not, Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude were the original choices for this classic. But in hindsight, settling on Stallone and Snipes was clearly the greatest thing to ever happen to the flick. They're fucking iconic! And while Timecop is awesome, it just doesn't have the snarky touch that this great gatsby provides. In fact, I get more than a little irritated when I read reviews (positive ones at that!) that call this "brainless action." Fuck you dude! It seems unlikely that you as a person will ever provoke more thoughts in my brain than this glorious gem did in just the first 15 minutes. And it's obvious that the director/writers thought about it too. For one thing, there are future cars. In my opinion, future cars are the true sign of godliness in a sci-fi piece. It means thinking was involved; not just with the design but the technology itself! And if they're going to think about the cars, lords know they're probably going to think about everything else. The commercial jingles as songs? Taco Bell as the only restaurant in existence? Vir-Sex? Fucking genius. They also use terms like 'MDK (Murder Death Kill)' and 'non-sanctioned life termination.' And there's a huge list of illegal activities (swearing, kissing, alcohol, tobacco, contact sports, meat, non-educational toys, spicy foods, etc.) and generally everybody's just a pretty pansy (that is, until Stallone and Snipes spice up the screen). In fact, all of the dialogue is substantially amazing (see below for my fave). And if you want to check out one of the best scenes a la video, youtube can do what it does best. All in all, I haven't seen something this good since my college film teacher (to his dismay I'm sure) turned me on to the amazingly infamous Johnny Mnemonic (go Gibson!). Did you know they actually had to have Snipes slow his fighting down because he was so fast that he blurred on camera? Superpowers! My only criticism (besides the existence of Rob Schneider) is how they throw in this bullshit at the end about how United States society in its nineties form is the pinnacle of achievement and all that shit. What the fuck? Were they afraid of getting their tires slashed or something? They already cut out the nudity (Tesla pulls through again...)! Oh well, you can't win them all.

Final Judgment: "Thank the stars for the Hunka Chunka!/Any reason to use the term "cryocon" will bring me running!/You have to watch it to believe it!/God Bless the nineties and the good ole US of A!

Edgar Friendly: You see, according to Cocteau's plan I'm the enemy, 'cause I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I WANT high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and BUCKETS of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-o all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? I've SEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Final Destination (2000)

2009-03-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm not alone in thinking that this movie is an amazingly quintessential teen thriller. I mean, if you're only going to see one movie with fake teenagers, crappy music and slasher deaths made between 1995 and 2000, this is it. You've got to give them credit for using John Denver and the images of a bunch of dead famous people like they were actually trying to make a point or something; does that even happen anymore? The film brings a new meaning to the value of absurdity with a grace that not even Michael Bay has been able to capture (take that douchebag). And they manage to keep the tension high with a choreographed dance of prolonged and sudden deaths (always dramatic and disgusting) that keeps you guessing. Seann William Scott plays his classic fool with Ali Larter as the hot chick and Devon Sawa as....Devon Sawa (does he really need to be anything else? It's hilarious to me how well he's grown into ugliness). To top off the creepiness factor, the film is actually based on real plane crash where tons of teenagers died. Yikes. And the best part of all?: the script was written to be an X-Files episode by the obviously awesome James Wong (The One, Dragonball Evolution), but was actually discarded and transferred over to become a single mass of teen orgasm that grossed a respectable $70 million world-wide. And all that on a wisely-spent budget of $23 million that clearly went into the special effects category. I'm cool with that.

Final Judgment: "Why spend cash on the actors when you can pay them in weed and bad chinese food?/The Supernatural Ourobouros strikes again!/Anxiously absurd and brilliantly transparent = the perfect teen slasher for our generation!

Recap! Action Bonanza!

2009-03-23T17:24:00.000-07:00

I think I'll make this one an action feast! I've been joining with friends in the re-consumption of some of the best and brightest. And while these films are certainly not obscure or underrated, there's no doubt that they define my existence. Let's keep it brief and stick to the final judgments, shall we?

The Rock (1996) - "Infinitely better after a spooky night trip to the island of doom!/Michael Bay strikes again with his blatantly gratuitous music video of death, destruction, receding hairlines, military nostalgia, and biting one-liners!/God Bless America!

Commander Anderson: Have you ever been in a combat situation before?
Stanley Goodspeed: Define combat, sir.
Commander Anderson: Shep?
Lt. Shephard: An incursion underwater to re-take an impregnable fortress held by an elite team of U.S. Marines, in possession of eighty-one hostages and fifteen guided rockets loaded with V.X. poison gas.
Stanley Goodspeed: Oh. In that case, no sir. Excuse me...

Waterworld (1995) - "One of Hollywood's greatest blunders is only good news for me!/Dennis Hopper was never meant to be anywhere else!/Crazy costumes, meticulously constructed sets, an interested albeit misinformed idea about the future, and all the bang you could want for your buck!/Long live the short-lived era of real action films!"

Deacon: Don't just stand there, kill something!

Deacon: Well, I'll be damned. It's the gentleman guppy. You know, he's like a turd that won't flush.

Deacon: If I ever see him again, I'm going to cut open his head and eat his brain.

Deacon: Dry land is not just our destination, it is our destiny!

Die Hard (1988) - "The mack-daddy of big-budget action films!/Reginald VelJohnson can save me any day!/This should start with a disclaimer: real sets were used, people really fell off buildings, the sound effects are not stock, we let people swear their pretty hearts out and those explosions are full-scale. Fuck Yeah!

When the bomb in the elevator shaft blows out the side of the building, the effect was accomplished by (a) collecting virtually every camera flashbulb of a particularly powerful type in the Los Angeles area and wiring them on the outside of the actual building to simulate the flash, and (b) by superimposing a shot of an actual explosive blowing a hole in the wall of an all-black miniature of the building at the appropriate location.
The fireball in the elevator shaft was shot with real pyrotechnics using a miniature shaft; the camera speed had to vary over the length of the shot because otherwise the fireball would appear to change speed as it moved up the forced-perspective model. The effects people weren't sure exactly at what rate to vary the speed, so they rigged a manual variable-speed control and did several takes changing the speed at different rates and then picked the one that looked best.
The firearms used in Die Hard (1988) are, as in most action films, real firearms modified to function with blanks. Although modern small arms ammunition is intended to have minimum muzzle flash, director John McTiernan wanted vivid, "exaggerated realism" in the muzzle flashes. Weapons specialist Michael Papac hand fabricated some blanks that were so powerful that the standard firearms modifications weren't workable. Papac had to specially modify the firearms involved. Special Effects Coordinator Al Di Sarro said of these blanks that 'in the world of blanks, there are loads that are not so loud and loads that are deafening', and these were deafening. These blanks did cause some cast members, notably Alan Rickman, to flinch. Furthermore, normally most sound effects come from a studio library of sound effects. Sound designer Richard Shorr didn't want to use these clips as modern sound equipment would show their age, as some of them were recorded in the 1950s. To resolve this and further the "exaggerated realism", the sound crew took the appropriate firearms to a firing range in Texas and recorded them being fired with live ammunition.

My Name is Bruce (2007)

2009-03-20T17:05:00.001-07:00

Well, if you thought that Bruce Campbell was somehow limited by his B-movie status, you were dead wrong. Because here-in lies a film in which (you won't believe this), Bruce Campbell plays a stereotyped version of himself. Yes, that's right. He has become so iconic that even his real self has become a work of fiction. It's mind-boggling, as is everything that Campbell is in (from the brilliance of course!). Let's face it. I love Bruce Campbell. I want to hang out with him. I want to make out with him (who doesn't?!). And I want to take up drinking so we can share a beer. So it's no surprise that I also wouldn't mind seeing every film he's ever been in. The movie isn't really important. The plot is beyond absurd and there's absolutely no reason for anyone who's not a Bruce-maniac to watch this. But that's not really the point. According to my research gathered from various sources (including "Heart of Dorkness," a documentary included in the special features [yes, I own the DVD; that alone should prove my dedication]), this is more of an event. It's about making a movie that's fun and entertaining but is still about the people who are involved instead of the people who will be watching it (this one is for all the Strines out there...). The sets were actually built on Campbell's property in forested Oregon. And the bad acting can be explained away by the fact that they cast straight off the stages of Ashland (at least anyone who wasn't swept up in Shakespeare). But let's face it; without the homegrown honeys, there would be no way they could find a chick with real tits that big. They're insane! In true B-list fashion, this movie cost a mere $1.5 million (probably provided by Campbell himself) and failed to garner a solid return. This is most likely because (according to imdb comments), everyone who saw this comedy saw it at some ho-dunk film festival. Talk about awkward exposure. Oh well. Don't worry; if you want to feel better about watching this piece, just remind yourself that it was written by the glorious creator of The Mask and Timecop. Awesome!!!

I deem it: "A hilarious tribute that delivers as much or more than can be expected/Bean curd, guitars, and racist stereotypes for all/No presumptions here/A delicious inside joke, and I'm finally on the inside!