My Best Friend is a Vampire (1987)

There was a time, believe it or not, when our teen monster movies weren't all about chastity and struggling with the darker sides of life in a divided family. No, no, that's just so....2000's (yeah, that still doesn't sound good...). Here, we can return to the joyous days of endless sun and perky breasts in a better day known as 80's teen cinema. This flick strolls in right alongside Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too (even though they are technically the same script), Teen Witch and all those other upbeat, clearly marketed, sci-fi comedies. I guess they were getting sick of all that post-apocalyptic shit. This is certainly a more care-free attitude. Sex with older women/vampires, allusions to homosexuality, tongue farts and six-packs of Pig's Blood Lite in the fridge all lead to one thing: 80's cool! That's right: he's got the hair, the sunglasses, and the handbook to Vampirism: A Practical Guide to an Alternative Lifestyle. There are bevies of babes and laughable outfits, all alongside the turmoils of adolescence when you're hungry for blood and just trying to fit in. Also, amazingly, our favorite "god damn shit god damn piss" angrydude from Circuitry Man AND the Professor from TMNT:Secret of the Ooze come together in a blissfully b-list act of goodness that gives the crazy adult antagonists a life and dimension I never thought possible.

"Jeremy, it has come to my attention that you have recently had a sordid and sexual encounter with strange and beautiful woman"

Final Judgment: "Oh-so-80's!/When being cool was all about scoring poon and having a sweet blowout!/Why do these vampires keep turning into wolves???My monster radar is frying?!/That chick has the most amazingly 80's dyke hair = hottest nerd ever!

Cops and Robbersons (1994)

I've never even heard of this movie. But while perusing Netflix watch instantly movies, and through a series of "more like these" moments, I ended up selecting this piece of picture for the queue section of my life. I mean, who can resist a movie with both Chevy Chase and Jack Palance?! Okay, Chevy Chase has been in some shit. Or, at least, he's been in enough movies that I can pick and choose between his life's work and still feel like there's a whole wide world of genre out there with his name on it. But Jack Palance. Now he's a sell. That voice. That gruff attitude....Those uncanny facial expressions! Only Jack Palance could smoke a week old cigarette butt and eat a stale fry simultaneously! Only Jack Palance could seem badass while wearing an old man sweater that is just barely passing for not-a-bathrobe! And only Jack Palance could perform facial acrobatics that bring shining lights of glory here from heaven! He's like the Marlboro Man incarnate! And boy is he pissy. The other unsung star in this gem is the plaid shirt. Yes, I said it, the plaid shirt. Here we have the king of the 90's family fun, Jason James Richter, the star of not only the greatest animal trilogy ever released (Free Willy) but also that terrible Neverending Story abomination (III) with Jack Black. And he is wearing the quintessential, must have 90's outfit. That's right, the ripped jeans, dirty sneakers, iron maiden shirt, leather jacket and...dun dun dun...plaid shirt tied around his waist. I mean, what's it doing there? He's already wearing a jacket. Is he going to put it on later? Or is it just for wiping his nose with? Who knows. It was a hot look back then. Add in the slicked back hair, single ear piercing and bad attitude, and you've got a genuine 90's stud. And yes, this is a care free movie. It will make you feel better mostly by making you feel smarter. I mean, even I know that no one will buy a 2 inch diameter hand-rolled cigarette if you're trying to prove that you smoke to a murderous villain. But everyone just goes with it. As should you. Advice to live by: just go with it. = NOT!

Final Judgment: "Classically and comically comatose!/Long live house wives everywhere!/Jack Palance is my hero!

Ps. I got some of these pics from a blog called "Favorite Hunks and Other Things." Nice to know you're going somewhere David Barry Gray!

88 Minutes (2007)

Well, most people didn't seem to enjoy this flick. In fact, it was nominated for no less than 2 Razzie Awards. I'm not really sure why. I thought it was pretty solid. I mean yes, Al Pacino's hair defies gravity. And yes, if he's in Seattle then he must be helping an Asian family pay the monthly rent on their tanning business, because he is definitely not a normal shade of skin. And yes, sometimes he looks like he's falling asleep. But I wasn't falling asleep. I was intrigued. I'm intrigued in the identity of this psychopath. I'm intrigued as to why Pacino only hangs out with young women. I'm less intrigued as to why he's always hugging them. And I'm thoroughly mystified as to the answer to the film riddle. Mystification, albeit an emotion that greets me often, is not most frequently associated with movies in my life. But, here we are with a hodgepodge cast that I recognize from just about everywhere (Leelee, that dude from the OC, some lesbian from Frasier and Judging Amy, scraggle-face from Payback, and Digger!), almost all of them suspects. Although, I mostly suspect men in these sorts of things. I am also experiencing a certain amount of gratitude for the fact that they decided to set this movie in Seattle, even if they filmed most of it in Vancouver. And yes, there's some rain and a mostly blue-gray hue to every scene, but overall, they only vaguely portray us as a depressing and homicidal city. More gratitude arises from the fact there are several lesbian relationships in this. Even a lone nipple flash! In fact, a solid 60% of the this cast was female, a sadly underrepresented statistic. I guess people don't really like mystery-thrillers with lots of women. I don't mind though. I like women.

I deem it: "A satisfying watch-instantly experience!/Pacino's clearly popping pills to stay in the game here, so enjoy him while you can!/Long live the city of blue!

The International (2009)

Well, I have managed to choose yet another slow and boring action movie. How is that even possible? Doesn't that defeat the point of it being an action movie? I picked this one because after watching Shoot 'Em Up, a spicy flick with the lady of the week, Ms. Monica, I convinced myself that any action movie with Clive Owen had potential. Oh well. At least this one had some sweet architecture and widescreen Euro-coast shots. The Germans are suddenly seeming appealing again! Anyway, this movie happened. I was there. I probably won't remember it tomorrow, and I don't really care. I mean, what's up with the fact that they're all fancy Blackberry texting secret info but then they still use that annoying "message arrived" ding and put surveillance bugs in wall-phones? WTF dudes?! We are officially a long way from the 90's. So let's get this shit together! Oh, and the Bank wins.

I deem it: "A half-hearted attempt to rub in the C.R.E.A.M. mantra with a little bit of arms dealing for a kick/Clive Owen, your sexy, beat-up face is not enough to keep me interested...and that is a sad sad thing!"

And who could resist another Monica picture? I held back the nudie pics in case my mom was reading....

Tears of the Sun (2003)

Now, I don't usually say many negative things on this here blog, mostly because I'm fairly tolerant when it comes to shitty movies. But, I just sat through 2 hours of the movie only to find out that the Director's cut is 20 minutes longer. How many more fucking desperate treks through the jungle could he possibly throw in there?! I won't lie, I thought that the presence of two prestigious and attractive actors (aka Bruce Willis and Monica Bellucci) could make this a solid action flick. Boy was I wrong. The only mildly entertaining part of this flick was, like, the 45 seconds of bouncing cleavage gifted by the lovely Miss Bellucci. No, rape tits are definitely not a gift. I like how Mr. Douchbag "Innocuous" (from Raleigh, NC) has a completely different standard of life than I do. Or at least movies. His almost unknowingly dumb comment reads:

"And since when was a movie so horribly, horribly bad because it couldn't be filmed in the actual location? So what if this was filmed somewhere other than Nigeria? And so what if the music was not "authentic Nigerian music"? I don't remember a title card at the beginning of the movies saying it's a National Geographic documentary.

This is a good movie. Less action than many war movies and less thought than some political dramas. "

So what the hell's left?

I deem it: "A pathetic excuse to give Bruce Willis a gun."

Ps. Monica Bellucci is so hot, I had to include more than one picture of her...She's over 40 you know!