Sunday, June 16, 2013

Red Surf (1989)

 Another glorious masterpiece from my VHS vaults. This one has waited for oh so long for it's destiny in my player, and now that day has come! I, like so many before me, was drawn in to this work of art by George Clooney's magnificent mug 'n' mane on the front cover. Unlike so many before me, I was blessed with an image from the original film. The $1 DVD release earned it's keep with a more recent photo of the man who ages like a fine wine. Hahaha - those fools! They bought the movie because they thought it was some mysterious contemporary film that they hadn't heard of but would surely enjoy. Hahahaha. I guess that explains the 3.5 IMDB rating....

There are only 8 reviews on IMDB, and I have compiled all of the titles here for your summary amusement:

 Watchable Drug Flick
Red Surf
Not as bad as I would have expected
Only for hard core Georgie fans
Worth checking out for an early George Clooney role, but not worth checking out twice!
Crack smokin Clooney!
H. Gordon Boos... Hangin' Ten!
Truly, really, abysmally awful

Wow, that's not the most endorsing assortment of reviews if you ask me...

Let me even the playing field with my own: The Hardest, Rawest Ride George Clooney's Ever Given

I still can't tell if that sounds favorable.  Oh well....

 Here are a few more imdb loyaler comments:

"And, quite cool, Gene Simmons who adds a little class to this movie."- beisserchen from Germany


"This film will make you want to rip your own eyeballs out rather than sit through it. You have been warned. Good luck." - the emperor from London, England


"The party scenes are hardcore and the rival gang violence is over the top as well so if that kind of stuff turns you off then you may want to head for the Disney section instead." - clayzar from us

 You know what....? Clayzar might be right: this movie is a little hardcore.  Let's see....I made my own list of some of the more memorable moments. In chronological order of course:

"you might just be a f*gg*t and like 3 lbs of n*gg*r dick up your ass"
would you rather have a spool of barbed wire up your colon or....
"lots of people raise families without dealing drugs"
surfer's viking funeral
well there goes George Clooney
are there really any good guys in this?
he's totally going to raw-dog his best friend's pregnant girlfriend
up the coast baby

That's right. I even used asterixes? * asteriks? * asterices? * in my quotes. I might be lacking a few filters, but some things even I won't say on the internet.

I am also a big fan of the international titles for this film:
Czerwona fala, Giovani iene, Juventude Perigosa, Kontra sta kymata, Malibu - huumerannikko, Red Surf, Soberanos das Drogas, Speed Junkies, Surf Connection, Surf to Die

Surf to Die. That's right. Also...come on...  Clooney's character is named Remar, and he is best friends with Attila. Remar and Attila. Clearly the writer of this script is a genius. I have no idea why it never went into theaters. could have been the R-rating, obscene language and extreme violence.  The director, RIP, only has 3 other movies to his name, and I definitely plan on seeing all of them.
Touch Me (1997) a film about an aerobics instructor who falls in love with an idle playboy and then finds out she has AIDS; Perfect Assassins (1998) about orphan assassin children being brainwashed in a Mexican mansion; and (dun dun dun) The Vivero Letter (1999) about a man who finds out his brother has been murdered over the location of a lost city of treasure. H. Gordon Boos sure knows how to pick 'em! And he is good friends with Robert Patrick, although who wouldn't be?!

Final Judgement: hardcore, harsh and harrowing!/a rough ride through high waves!/the 80's at its bloody finest!/Point Break unfiltered!/Clooney suddenly proves himself a man! The Hardest, Rawest Ride George Clooney's Ever Given!