The Quest (1996)

Anyone with a B-movie VHS collection can show you their section dedicated exclusively to Jean-Claude Van Damme. And I am someone with a B-movie collection. So right center on one my shelves, there are not one but two stacks of JCVD movies. Recently, we went through JCVD kick (pun intended), making sure that we had watched every single one of them. There are all the classics, all the kicks to the face, everything you have come to know and love about the muscly-thighed action star. And then there is The Quest. I am not sure why I waited so long to appreciate this JCVD epic, but it was clearly my loss. Because, this, my friends, is a true treasure. Quite fitting, since the entire movie is about treasure. Well, treasure and fighting. But seriously, this might be the greatest JCVD movie ever made, and that cannot be said lightly. Where else can you find old man JCVD and clown JCVD in the same story? Yes, clown JCVD. Jean-Claude is the clown leader of a pack of orphans who kickboxes cops while on stilts. And that should do it. If you haven't seen this film and you are not desperately scrolling the internet or heading immediately to your local VHS shop, I can't do anything else for you. I mean, what more could I really say? 

And how can we possibly be surprised to learn of the greatness that awaits within the four walls of this plastic tape, when we see that this work of art was both written and directed by Jean-Claude himself. He wrote and directed himself as a kickboxing clown. That was his dream, and he has accomplished it. But oh wait, it gets better. A series of Tibetan monks wander the Earth handing out scrolls inviting the best fighters in the world to compete in a battle of mortal combat...oh wait, that's another movie isn't it? All the same - mortal fighting stuff is on the scene. Enter Admiral Roger Moore, leader of a gang of pirate gunrunners. It is only a matter of time before Admiral Moore manages to get his hands on the down and out clown, eventually selling him into slavery on Muay Thai island. You can only imagine what happens next. That's right, JCVD becomes a Muay Thai expert, ready to kick any and all ass. And ass he shall kick at the tournament of champions, which really is an absolutely stunning mishmash of so many video games before it. It's actually exactly as if Epcot was turned into a combat video game. We have giant sumo fighter, and the capoeira expert from Brazil. We have a Turkish beast grabbing Scottish guy's nuts up his kilt. All the while, Roger Moore acts the cartoon villain, literally trying to steal the giant treasure with a blimp.

Ok, let's sum this up. JCVD as a clown. Epcot Center combat battles where countries square off against one another. Roger Moore as a pirate villain who flies blimps. Again, what are you still doing here? You have a mission my friends. It is to watch this movie. And it is to make sure that at least 2 of your friends watch this movie. Life is too short to not have enjoyed this masterpiece. And the stories of JC's thighs are too muscly to not be spread.

Final Judgement: My life has been incontrovertibly changed for the better since seeing this movie / Clowns have never been so cool / JCVD broadens the horizons of what is possible yet again / They just don't make 'em like they used to...