Underworld: Evolution (2006)

Well, as I sit here, pondering what wondrous things I can say about movie involving vampires, werewolves, mutant crossbreeds of the two, and buckets and buckets of blood, I have come to realize exactly why I love Underworld and its evolved sequel so much: it's because even though I watch them over and over again, I never actually seem to remember what the fuck happened. I mean, I saw this movie, what, a week ago?, and yet it has already slipped away from my brain, hidden in glamorous and gory mystery, waiting to be plucked from the shelves again. Finally, a DVD that's worth it's price (oh wait, didn't I only pay $4 for this thing?: what, no vamp-dog audiences [you've dropped the ball Disney old friend]?). It's a movie miracle! No, this miraculous state-of-being is not a bad thing; it's quite a good thing, even a great thing! How many nights have I yearned for an emotionless blood-fest sci-fi/fantasy orgasm and yet turned away from my 600+ VHS collection unable to find even one blissful film that I can depend on without knowing the plot back to front before I can get past the FBI warning (I'm sorry Lethal Weapons and Die Hards...)? Too many is the answer: way too many. And here-in (Evolution that is...or is it just 'evolution?') lies the solution. I'm not sure if it's because the plot is so convoluted and poorly explained, or because absolutely everything (except the blood...so, actually about half of everything) is a blue-gray steel color, scene after scene, without fail. It could have something to do with the fact that the sequel depends on the first (which, of course, I can't remember the plot to) when it absolutely shouldn't, and then manages to succumb to its own twisted fate. Or maybe it's just the shininess of Kate Beckinsale's ass in vinyl (ahh, my two favorite things) that has blinded me into amnesia. Either way, I love vampires. I love lycans. I love mutants with slashing wings. I especially love Kate Beckinsale. Oh, and guns and high-powered cross bows and other means of destruction. For all of these things, I can (literally) watch Underworld: Evolution time after time and always leave feeling satisfied. Mmm tasty.

I deem it: "A salvation from, or tumble into, mind-consuming cinema."