Max Payne (2008)

Okay, well before you even ask that oh-so-fated question: no, I've never played the game. And you know what?: Who fucking cares?! If a movie can't stand on its own, than why even bother? This film wasn't even a traditional box office failure since it tripled its budget in returns. But everybody hated it! Like, some serious hating going down. Maybe it's the game-bros-before original-thought-hos thing or something, but people really, really disliked this movie. Personally, I thought it was one of the better action movies to hit screens in the last half-decade or so. First of all, the cinematography is gorgeous. Wide-screen and vivid, high contrast, real sets; the whole rigmarole. In fact, for a $35 million budget, it's pretty impressive. They used high speed photography to create effects, shot at night to hype up the darkness, and used minimal green screen. There are even crazy man-puppet-demons! That's right, give props to Mako, the dude in the make-up and Celtic demon suit. I mean, the movie looked good. And to me, that's worth a million words. For other people, it just doesn't seem to be the case, since most complaints consisted of "boring script" and "not enough action." It's pretty pathetic when visuals can't pull along a film (go get a fucking radio, you idiots) and jerkweeds on imdb suggest that without John Woo's 'American slo-mo,' an action movie just ain't right. And that's why I threw this one up there: total disrespect for the visual! And with hallucinations and all!

Final Judgment: "Dark and delicious!/Aren't crazed hallucinations and death-defying drugs enough anymore?/Craftfully creepy in a comic-con, religious-thriller, action-flick sort of way!/It slides right down!/Pay homage to the screen, not the mindless banter!