Halloween Hootenanny!

Due to some personal issues, I've been away from the land of interweb recently and instead spending time outside while home in WA. But now I return. And I just can't let the previous puppies slide away and miss their chance at a place on my blog. I mean, seriously, some of my favorite movies that are completely obscure and underrated baffle me with their absence from this site. But then I remember that I only repeat a movie watching experience once every two or three years, and their number just hasn't come up in the existence of this dedicated yet undernourished blog of ridiculousness. So don't worry post-Halloween marathon movies, you will gain a short but satisfying place in history. After a delightful party on the 31st, the boy and I decided to laze the Sunday away by working while watching a seemingly endless stream of horror movies that probably would have never made it up the list (I have many more movies than I can ever watch! Awkward, huh?!) if not for this lazy day on the 1st of November. Only two of the four will get half posts here; the others are only calling for documentary notation. But these two were quite acceptable, and, I dare say, memorable. It's always good when you watch two movies back to back that have a scene of a car crashing into a building and exploding. Awesome!!!! Even better, both beauties share misused concepts of population genetics and evolution. So up my alley!!!! Begin.

Wrong Turn (2003) - It should seem fairly obvious that I purchased this film in my less discretionary days. In fact, I never thought I'd watch it. Oddly enough, it turned out to be the most enjoyable film of the day. It's pretty straight-up run and hide, chased by monsters in the woods horror. The only even recognizable actor is Eliza Dushku, and you have to be a pretty serious Whedon fan to buy a movie based on her star power. But, what can I say? My favorite thing about Eliza is that she has absolutely zero hips. I mean, she's totally hot, but she's built like a bookshelf. So, the editors spend the entire movie just trying to avoid showing her full body in straight-on shots. It's like a little game! Well, at least she isn't wearing that terrible workout outfit. If you only have one costume in a film, why make it an absurdly ugly one? Answer me that. Overall, the violence is good and gory yet tasteful. The nervous factor is a sweet medium. Chick power is way up. Oh, and there are inbred mutant cannibal hick zombies. All in all, this flick is just what was ordered.
I deem it: "Sick yet satisfying!/Predictable yet still surprising!/A sure sign the Dushku can kick the ugliest of asses!"

The Forsaken (2001) - Ha, this movie has even less star power. It's sad, because there were only two things that made me buy this movie, and they wouldn't have been strong enough alone. But together, somehow, the garish teenage vampire thing combined with that actor who played in a single Alias episode was enough to cause me throw down a solid 1 dollar on this VHS cassette tape. And it was worth it. You can tell a lot about a movie by the credits. For example, this clearly turn of the millennium piece put the opening title over a pair of succulent tits. Yes, tits under the credits. And then again later. All in all, no less than 4 chicks show their melons in this melancholic, MTV sponsored, anti-MTV flick clearly filmed for those lost souls who feel helpless in society but yet just can't get off their couch and do anything about it. A common dilemma unfortunately, especially among middle class, white males who live with their relatives long after is wise. Cough Cough. Well, this film is definitely trying to be hip. If the drug scene vamp-vision didn't give it away, the man with a capuchin and a popsicle certainly did. My favorite part was the rapid-fire monologue made by the main hunter who is supposed to represent some illegitimate bastard child of society while being played by a blond who lives in LA. Ah, the irony. Nick: We are fucked. Take a look at the world we inherited. We're a bunch of fast-food munching MTV freaks humping the great American Dream. The generation before us sold their innocence for 200 digitally enhanced satellite stations, and it's been downhill ever since. They had Mickey Mouse, Easy Rider and The Beatles. Alright? We got South Park, The Blair Bitch and Ricky Martin. Alright? They had "Be here now!". We got "Shit Happens!". If that doesn't put thinks in perspective, i dunno what does. I mean, we're just Microsoft Neanderthals addicted to surfing netland, still shitting in our nests. And every time i think about giving a rat's ass, i picture Monica making millions from sucking Bill's little red rooster. Just rockets me right back into reality.
Preach it, sister!

I deem it: "Meant for boys who are freaked out and frustrated by David Lynch but still want to feel cool and masochistic!/Vamps and Vapid Vag'es, a perfect combination!/Stop whining and shoot things!

Honorable Mentions:

The Grudge (2004) - SMG, this shit is pretty bad

Pet Sematary (1989) - Classic yet still confusing and creepy. Children killers freak me out! And why do those goddamn trucks drive so fast? Thank god for mystical, magical Native Americans - oh wait, i guess their magic is evil; kill them all! YES!!!