Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Scorcher (2002)

Mark Dacascos? John Rhy-Davies? G.W. Bailey? And Rutger Hauer? And the catchline, "The only hope for humanity to survive a natural disaster is to detonate a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles?" Now this is what dreams are made of. Who hasn't sighed peacefully into their pillow while pondering the possibility of LA sinking into the seafloor? Only in dreams as they say. I guess those dreams are about as satisfying as this movie. TV movie to be precise. Yes, yes, forgettable and fleeting. But still, so much more. This is a snapshot of a generation. Or the asymptotic slow death of a generation perhaps. I just know it says something. SOMETHING.

From the AOL instant messaging platform to the random religion made of prayers and this fanatic with his halleluahs and a disco ball light...That's right, if the fissure reaches 44cm, there will be literal Hell on Earth.  

That's what she said.

Am I watching some sort Watchtower brochure? It certainly seems possible. And yet there are scientists. And science insults. In fact, the best insult I have ever heard (wow am I a grad student),

"You were the one funding my grants?! So you could keep tabs on my research?!"

Boo fucking hoo lady. At least your research is getting funded!! Ok sorry, I digress.  But really, why does this movie possibly need an R rating? I certainly don't remember any titties.

Speaking of not being remembered...I can only imagine that the director James Seale has got a second job. Can you really live off of directing your friend's straight to DVD stinkfest every 3 years? That would be amazing if the case. And just another reason us scientists are so crazy. You dare fund my grants?!

Put out by a company that clearly specializes in only the finest F-list fare, eg. I Spit on Your Grave 2 and Stonehenge Apocalypse, Scorcher, surprisingly (?) hasn't been able to build up the most bountiful of audiences. Amid the approximately 37 terrible IMDB reviews (Straight to video rubbish; There's bad, and then there's BAD) there stand out a few friendly faces, my favorite of which is definitely dunnfilms who inexplicably describes this masterpiece as,

"A very ambitious action film that rivals a big budget studio film - Scorcher is very impressive. It looks like a major studio film even though it was produced by a very cheap low budget organization. I expected it to be a real stinker but was pleasently surprised to see how good it turned out. If you like action this film is for you."

Whhhhaaaaa? Well, maybe it is explicable. Mr. Don. Dunn. Yes you. You should think about covering your tracks a bit more if you want to plant false positivity about a movie that you, yourself line-produced. I just knew that no one in their right mind would say such things!

But still. The effects did look quite good. Let's see....

The earthquake in the tunnel scene used tunnel scenes from the movie Daylight (1996).

The opening sequence in which Beckett saves McGrath from a volcano in South America uses driving shots taken from Dante's Peak (1997).

The intro helicopter sequence was taken from Dante's Peak (1997).

The nuclear explosion was taken from Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991). 
Well, that would certainly save on the budget wouldn't it! It's okay Scorcher. We love you for what you are. A sad sad place for such great actors to go and die. Bad dates is right.

I deem it: "All of my favorite B-listers in one place!/A natural disaster if ever there was one!/35.634789 cm and counting!"

Hey, "maybe she's just at that time of the month."

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