The Golden Child (1986)

Golden Schnauzer is more like it. I mean, damn, this film is good. What took me so long? Why didn't someone tell me about this glorious composition? This could quite possibly be what I classify as "the perfect movie." Now, calm down. Obviously we're not talking about change-your-perspective -on-the-world, beyond-all-words, the-greatest-love-of-all kind of art. No, no, this is something altogether different. This is a masterpiece of entertainment. How is this possible you ask? How could Eddie Murphy, now a box-office disaster, ever make something truly worthwhile? Well, I doubt he actually had much to do with it. Originally scripted as an action-adventure, it wasn't until Murphy got cast that the film was transformed into a comedy, an altogether epic decision. We've got comic relief (and thank the gods, Sr. Eddie hasn't gone quite over the edge yet, so most of it's still tasteful [think crazy facial expressions, disbelief {he's so deep in the supernatural shit before he realizes it, the movie is almost over}, some sort of awkward sex appeal, and a whole lot of wise-cracking]), the mystical forces of good and evil, an Asian kid who can raise the dead, a bizarre black leather hat, crazy props and sets, birds and butterflies, monks, trials and tribulations, an LSD-esque dream sequence, guns, action, smoking snake-lady titties (she was raped by a dragon of course), mutants (or really, really ugly people [where's Trejo when you need him?]), complete disrespect, blood and guts, a stop-motion/puppet demon-dragon-monster (so awesome!), hand-to-hand combat, a sweet 80's soundtrack (even though it's set in 'present day'), implied sexual activity, a stop-motion dancing Pepsi can [complete with cane]), Victor-Fucking-Wong (! [of Three Ninjas fame; actually, he and that other Asian dude were both in Big Trouble in Little China together, released the same year. Coincidence? Or lack of Asian dudes?]), and, the most crucial element, a happy ending! Best of all, the critics hated it (the sign of everything good in the movie industry [I don't agree with hardly anything anyone ever says about reality, so when the critics say no, it usually means yes!])! What more could you ask for? Why aren't people looking at these things as awesomeness in the movie world? Can anyone answer that? Alternatively, why do I think 80's special effects and supernatural crazies are so sweet? I'm so confused! Is it the desire to reach out beyond what is accepted? To work with new (or old) technologies? To give something secure with something so controversial? Is it a big fuck-you to Hollywood? Or a failure that I can rejoice in? Does anyone know the answer to these riddles (if you know the answer to the riddle of the Universe, I'll gladly take that one too)? One thing I do know:

I deem it: "Quite possibly the best, and most entertaining, movie I've seen in a long time."