StarKnight (1985)

Hmmm. This looks like a sweet movie...It has Harvey Keitel and Klaus Kinski in it....It has an awesome picture of a dude in a spacesuit on the front cover...You see the potential for alchemy and spaceships...You read the catch phrase: "He came from the future to conquer the past," and all of these things make you think that you have found some sort of sci-fi jewel, hidden among the ruins of the 80's. But then (dun, dun, dun), you start noticing things....Like how every other actor has a Spanish name....And how it's put out by VidMark Entertainment (oh man, oh man, check out this super-sweet web page with tons of VidMark VHS covers! My new goal is to watch as many of these movies as possible [esp with ones with Angelina and our good friend Lou Diamond!]!)...And then, what puts you over the curious edge, is the fact that you can't find its English title listed on imdb. Hmmm. What could this mean? A terrible science fiction masterpiece? A lost treasure from the low-budget depths? I'll tell you what it means. It means one of the most obscure and underrated (?) films on this here blog. Good?, maybe not. Obscure?, definitely. Underrated?, probably. Released as El Caballero del Dragon, a much more apt title, this film can really only amaze; there's actually little to no space (you know..., the great beyond) in this movie, despite the highly misleading cover. What there is is a Monty Python-esque Medieval Village (I'm the Green Knight, and you can't cross this bridge, blah blah blah) with a bunch of grumbling peasants, a superstitious conniving priest, a bizarro alchemist (Kinski) looking for liquid gold (the secret to immortal life!), Keitel as a stupid knight named Klever (I'm gonna break that Dragon's kneecaps! [how many times can he really fall over?]), a daring and slutty princess (yay for Europeans and full frontal nudity!), and, oh yes, the Star Knight (played by the Bowie wannabe [you know: pale, undernourished and hairless] Miguel Bosé) who has been living on Earth for sometime studying its habitants in his giant spaceship which is (rightfully) mistaken for a human-eating, fire-breathing, beast of a dragon. There are a few redeeming sci-fi moments with laser holograms, angelic glowing heads (and cats!) and crystalline spaceship innards, and Kinski has a really sweet outfit, but mostly this movie is just strange and confusing. Are we laughing at the jokes, the quality of film or the irony of the situation? Is there a reason why Keitel's Brooklyn-savaged voice is dubbed over his own image? In fact, what language was anybody ever speaking in originally? Was the director on drugs? Should he be? Did the person who wrote the back cover summary ever actually see the film? Oh the questions that come to mind. I understand what happens, but have no idea why. Therefore, if you are a brave and stalwart person who likes to be truly challenged, mentally and physically, I present you with your next conquest: Watch Star Knight; Understand Star Knight; Take away insights about life from Star Knight. Who knows, maybe the secret of the Universe really does reside within this 7 ⅜" wide, 4" deep, 1" thick plastic clamshell held together with 5 Philips head screws.

I deem it: "A mystery beyond all mysteries."