Fast and the Furious (2001)

"He's got nitrous oxide in his blood and a gas tank for a brain."
Yep, that's about the most clever and sophisticated thing that anybody says in this movie (people posted a whole bunch of quotes, but they're all so awful! who thinks that this worth repeating?!). But how can you care about stuff like that when there are shiny, yellow and purple cars, along with more slutty cleavage than you even thought possible, and a giant Vin Diesel grunting out orders and flexing his muscles in your face. Oh Vin. He's definitely more awesome than The Rock. Is it because his face looks like it's been smashed with a chair a few times as opposed to being pretty and gay-face with plucked eyebrows? Or the fact that his idea of hairless and greasy doesn't mean he has to be grappling with other men for attention? Or even just the fact that Dwayne Johnson looks like someone who could babysit your kids while Vin Diesel looks like he's the one selling them pot and illegal car parts on the corner? Maybe. Just maybe. Either way, whoever thought of this movie (ahh. Ken Li wrote a magazine article that inspired the film; no wonder the dialogue is thin! and the screenplay is by Gary Scott Thomas, the glory behind Split Second and other unforgettable triumphs of the human spirit!) is an absolute genius. It's like they said, "people only go to the movies to see car chases, so why don't we just wipe out the middleman (character development, realism and any form of worthwhile dialogue) and give them what they want?!" Well, it worked. The car chases are absolutely amazing. The explosions are bomb (pun definitely intended), and there was never any chance that 2 Fast 2 Furious could replicate the glory of this feature film without they grimy yet loveable Vin Diesel (oh god, I hope the fourth one is worth it!). I mean, I'm pretty sure that in the future, we will look back to 2001 and think about how history has been made. There are over 15k sound effects in the first race scene alone! And they got real racers (over 1500 cars) to show up at the Race Wars. Man, car chases are so totally tubular. This is just totally the most vapid (it's all those pretty boys! Michelle Rodriguez seems like she could eat them alive for a good reason!) and yet totally awesome movie I may ever see, and I revel in that. So do all the other loser young adults out there I guess, because this movie made back its $40 million budget its first weekend in theaters; in fact, it went on to gross over $200 million worldwide. Not a bad haul. Rob Cohen, you should be given some sort of award for success and brilliance, no doubt a relic of your Haaarvard Education. Indeed, your fascination with dragons (Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story and Dragonheart) as well as a hairless Vin (see above and xXx), are things that I, for one, can truly appreciate. Keep at it tiger. And what's with the morals here? Drag-racing is so cool, even attractive cops will go against the law (stealing and lying and letting criminals escape? can we just blame it on the terrorific Ja Rule soundtrack?)? Dayum.

I deem it: "Suicidal encouragment for an attention deficited and I-don't-believe-in-consequences generation/A perfect encapsulation of life in early 21st century Los Angeles (we breed the Escapes under our very noses!).