xXx (2002)

Ahhh Vin Diesel. With all the shit I've been subjecting myself to recently, I thought I'd revisit an old classic (although, with a grossage of over $250 mill worldwide, I have a feeling that most of you freaky folk have already seen this one). This movie is one of those perfect for a mindless day where you don't really want to have to feel any more pain and so you pick a flick that provides entertainment without any of the emotional quandaries (or any mental or emotional process whatsoever, now that I think about it) and flop back and watch things explode for 2 hours. And trust me, explosions are a beautiful thing (Rob Cohen has certainly been climbing my ladder of approval with his directorship of The Fast and the Furious, Dragonheart, The Skulls, and that Mummy with Jet Li in it). I said it when I saw it in theaters, and I'll say it again: Yes, this movie is a blatant James Bond ripoff (that American flag parachute was just too much), but hell, everyone loves James Bond (at least the good ones [I'm not looking at you douchebag-Craig])! And for once, they give some explanation, however ridiculous it may seem, for why this protagonist has the outrageous ability to leap over things on motor bikes while shooting people, slide down railings on metal treys, and outrun an avalanche, a helicoptor, an exploding biochemical watercraft and a bunch of angry Russian dudes ("I love anything goes fast enough to do something stupid on," says our unlikely hero). Man, Vin; show them how it's done! These stunts were so insane that people died while performing them! And there's skin! Woohoo! Plus, the soundtrack brings back endless memories of the turn of the millenium (Spencer asks, "doesn't any true action movie from this time have to have that 'let the bodies hit the floor' song?). Oh Rammstein, how many parents you disturbed. There are also the requisite Russian scientist old dudes, the girls playing in the fountain and being flung over shoulders, a long line of absolutely beautiful automobiles, several party scenes, lots of dead people, the nerd with gadgets, and an endless parade of vicious weapons and one-liners. What more could you really ask for (don't tell me; I already know...)? And we get an Unbreakable-esque (scarred and wearing purple) Samuel L.???!!! I don't know if I can take it. I haven't seen the second one yet, with Ice Cube or Ice T (not LL Cool J, right?) but definitely not Vanilla Ice, but I wouldn't put it past the studio gods to push a third and bring Vin back. Ahhh Vin, the things you've done to action. God bless you.

Final Judgment: "Fuck the nerds! Bring back the pyros!"