The Scorpion King (2002)

Man, for being a completely useless shoot-off of The Mummy franchise, this film certainly did it's fair share of grossage (no, I'm not referring to Dwayne Johnson's tits). You can spend 90 minutes staring at cleavage and greasy bodies wearing animal skins and not have any idea what the plot is, or if they even bothered with one at all. But then again, there are said greasy bodies. The priestess especially is always on the verge of flashing her cooch [at least she's used to it]. Mmm...peanut sauce. And you have to give credit to Michael Clarke Duncan for being the largest Oscar nominee alive. I mean, you could bounce into outer space on that belly! Dayum! There are also lots of weapons: Swords and axes and arrows and giant fists, gunpowder (factuality not required [i mean, did you even think this film could care less about historical accuracy?]), giant sticks, etc. At multiple points during the movie, you may actually think you've teleported to Disneyland. I've never seen such conveniently placed quicksand pits and booby-trapped caves! Also, the requisite bazar scene was probably just found footage from some other movie, it was so stereotypical. Then again, there were harlots. Ahh, the harlots. Just another reason to put more cleavage in the film (the sheer genius!). So much cleavage! It's like reading one of those shitty fantasy romance novels at Top Foods. The kind with the naked dude and dudette on the cover (and she's wearing more clothes), and a giant sword and maybe a hell-beast. Oh wait, I guess I should have read the trivia. Apparently, '"the "Gomorrah Bazaar" sequences were filmed on a re-dressed Spartacus set on the backlot at Universal Studios." Ha. I knew it! Here's some other good trivia:

"More scenes had to be shot due to the movie being around 70 minutes long after being edited [so there wasn't a plot!].

Dwayne Johnson has said that he intentionally shied away from using any trademarks of his WWF character The Rock, in order to give the Scorpion King character a life of its own. The only exception was "The People's Eyebrow," which he does in response to another character's reference to a harem. He said he included the People's Eyebrow to acknowledge the "millions and millions" of Rock fans [that fucking shit has a name? If that's taken, what does he call his dick?].

Vince McMahon is an Executive Producer on the movie only because of the use of the name "The Rock" which he owns [pathetic].

The cave that the Rock and the bandits come out of is the bat cave from Batman [more reused sets! I really just mention this because Batman is so awesome.].

Director Chuck Russell wanted to incorporate a physical feat into the movie which only the Rock could perform. That is why there is a scene where the Rock springs to his feet from a position where he is lying on his back. Director Chuck Russell said that he had never seen a 6'3" man do that [I've also never seen a man as pretty as the Rock (that skin, those eyes, that hair...), but you don't hear me giving interviews about it]."

And of course...."This movie is a prequel of a sequel of a movie that was a re-make of another movie that was made 70 years ago."

Ah The Scorpion King, how worthlessly money-grubbing you are...And, if you didn't think there was anything more desperate... Oh shit! I spoke too soon! That looks way better than the first one!

I deem it: "The most pathetically successful attempt to drain money from the testosterone-frenzied men of the world."