Godsend (2004)

Well, there aren't very many movies that, at 102 minutes, feel like they're dragging on. Yes, Nick Hamm, you've done it again (I don't actually know who Hamm is, but since he hasn't directed anything that looks even remotely interesting, I don't really think it matters). The presence of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights during the previews (an excellent look at what's to come), along with a bunch of other awful looking movies that I couldn't even bear to put inside my brain long enough to regurgitate for this post, and the Punisher remake (now that one's totally awesome; it's always a strike or a homer for Lion's Gate) may have given up a few hints, but I was ignoring the obvious. We did make it through this film (unlike another unmentionable this week [don't want to hurt feelings!]), but it was definitely a stretch on my movie-bearing loads. Don't blame DeNiro though...he just thought he was shooting a cameo! They paid him for a week and then stuck his face all over the film and made him main character (no wonder it's slow!). Haha; he totally got hoodwinked! The feature was also fraught with some trouble when their fake film hot line, modeled after the Godsend Agency (in the film, this family loses their son and decides to let this creepy agency clone him and do a graphically gross pregnancy implant [how far can that elbow really go?!]), kept receiving calls from bereaved batties who thought that they could actually have a loved one "resurrected." Wow (are those the McCain voters?...). So, I guess that means that this film is science fiction (with the human cloning and all), and it's definitely part horror (god, that kid is creepy). They get a little vague with the splicing and part evil murderer boy part regular boy, but I guess it's better to play it on the safe (and boring) side. Too bad none of that paid off; the film cost $65 million to make (probably all spent trying to make Romijn look that bad; I mean, how is that even plausible [talk about not using what you're given!]?! Don't worry, I threw in a hottie pic too, to keep the mood up.) and barely grossed $14 million. Whoops. Maybe if they had lost the downers and brought in some action and tits, they could've seen a profit. Will they ever learn?

Final Judgment: "Keep the honey on the couch: this is all-natural birth control!"