Freejack (1992)

What a surprise: yet another awesome sci-fi movie with a furiously fantastic cast, a "novel concept," a mid-sized budget, a post-apocalyptic premise, poor reception and a string of bad reviews. Let me say it again: what a surprise! You'd think that putting Emilio Estevez, Anthony Hopkins, Rene Russo and Mick Fuckin' Jagger into a film about a futuristic bounty hunt would get people all riled up (in that tingly way). But no, they have to pan it. (whine ensues) "It's not realistic because it's set in post-apocalyptic 2009, way too close to '92..."; "there are too many chase scenes..." "why did they have to build props and sweet vehicles....that's just cheesy..." This one's especially good: "Any almanac should have told a scriptwriter who cared that November 23, 2009 falls on a Monday, not a Thursday." Hey there hoighty toighty! Well, in the words of that terrible culinary reality show Hell's Kitchen: fuck off. I think the futuristic-mobiles are freaking sweet. I love a good post-apocalyptic NYC. The idea of stealing a healthy, pre-pollution/nuclear waste body at it's moment of death in order to shove the shitty soul of some rich dude into it and therefore prolong their undeniably useless existence is not only tubular to the max, but it sounds like something Cheney's been working on in his basement. I rejoice in the reasoning that Estevez looks too healthy for this neo-New York (too repetitive?) and uses his 90's-life working skills of race car driving to avoid trouble as he's constantly chased by a cherry Jagger. Does he even get away in the end? And the acid-trip/I'm in the "spiritual switchboard" where souls are kept after the body dies (but only for 48 hours)/computer network Jesus-land is outrageously awesome. Yes, the movie's a little long. Yes, Mick Jagger talks funny. Yes, Russo is really hot and Hopkins only has a small part. These points are not nearly negative enough to detract from any of the other great things. The film also features fantastically freaky cameos by Jerry Hall (Grissom's masked ex-wife in Batman), Amanda Plummer (the fierce fanatic called Honey Bunny/Yolanda in the practically epic Pulp Fiction), and Frankie Faison, the creepy bay-rat eating prophetic madman who has been in no less than 3 other movies with Anthony Hopkins (the Silence of the Lamb series; and as different characters! I guess he plays 'generic black dude.') and 1 with Rene Russo (Thomas Crown Affair). Now, those are some good eats! Finally, this frightfully frolicking film bears its balls with a friendly R-rating, cited as being a result of violence and cussing (it's no "God damn shit; God damn piss" Circuitry Man though, that's for sure!), although I'm fairly certain that it was the undue viewing of Estevez's underwear and pasty white thighs that pushed it over the edge. Now, if someone just could tell me how the same person named him and his brother... Oh wait! Charlie Sheen's real name is actually Carlos Irwin Estévez! Damn, that's hot. I also threw up some pictures of the comic book based on the movie. Even hotter. And I couldn't find any cool enough pictures of the crazy cars, so I grabbed this climactic clip instead. Hottest!

Final Judgment: "Seriously sweet post-apocalyptic produce."