Youngblood (1986)

The reign of Patrick Swayze lives on, although sometimes I think his mullet is doing most of the work. In this piece we see the 'trashy hick aunt' variation of the haunting hairstyle. And while Rob Lowe is touted as the top-dog in this feature, Swayze, with his walkman and the rolled-down waistband on his sweatpants, definitely has this puppy in the bag. Even worse, my 90's VHS re-issue goes to the desperate lengths of describing a 'special cameo from Speed star' Keanu Reeves, when really he's like a 17 year old background actor with about 2 lines and the classic Bill and Ted hairstyle. Where's the respect?! Then again, when an entire movie is based around grappling with dudes, slapping asses and even shaving a scrot or two, maybe respect isn't exactly what they're going for. Don't worry, we get triumphant shots of both boy-booty and timeless titty, so as a feminist, I feel satiated in the objectifying flesh department. Even better is the sexy scene with backlighting where you can totally tell this is the 80's due to the alluring outline of the leading lady's upper thigh hair. Not that I have anything against upper thigh hair; I'm just trying to imagine the massive amounts of computer power and pocketbook change they would dedicate to eliminate such an unsightly image in the age of grotesque plastic surgery, shiny orange bodies and basketball tits. Ah the 21st century. Ultimately, this is a hockey movie. We are graced with glistening 80's montages (my personal favorite is the 'why life on a farm is shitty'), sword-fighting with hockey sticks and the leery lesson that you can't be a man until you can beat the shit out of your enemies. Seriously, that's the lesson of the movie. In the end the whole team and the refs are just circling around waiting to see if he's learned how to beat someone up in a fight. Boys, boys, boys.

Final Judgment: "Blood flies and booties bounce!/ 80's montage music+time lapse = the key to breaking down the fourth dimension!/ An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth (and they mean that literally!) / Swayze's mullet: ye who truly deserved the Nobel Peace Prize!