Code Hunter / Storm Watch (2002)

Another straight to VHS beauty. Have you noticed how the DVD / online platform previews for B-list movies always make them look terrible and not at all as awesome as they would have been when they caught your eye browsing the shelves of Rasputin? A million copies of Jerry McGuire and then *BAM*, the face of this clear winner.

And that list of names. Oh the names. We have a real battle of the B-listers here. Adrian Paul, Bai Ling, Tone Loc, Coolio, and of course I can't forget the lovely Vanessa Marcil. I say of course because I was quite impressed, although in hindsight not at all surprised, by the number of reviewers who wrote that they procured this movie just for her. She is in The Rock after all. The director has a much less impressive list of credentials, heavily marred by a blatant Indiana Jones ripoff - that's more obvious even then stupid Avatar stealing the Pocahontas story and leaving out all the killer music!

But seriously, when you put the Highlander, the Vampire Princess, and two rap artists into a movie, I want to see it. I'm going to see it. And see it I did.

This is a movie where a boy can live out his Eurotrash spy dreams in virtual reality VR missions while the vampirically unchanging Bai Ling chases him down in vinyl miniclothes and a blue wig. Seriously, how have I never written about Bai Ling before? She does - not - change (see below) = amazing!

This is a movie where, in battle, everyone randomly types as fast as they can, and the code flashes back and forth in some non-sensical non-language. This is a movie where Coolio is a gunslingin cowboy shooting cops, where everyone wears colored sunglasses indoors, where satellites shoot lightning, and where hurricanes meet artificial intelligence. This is a movie you want to see. At least once. If you're into that sort of thing I mean. I most certainly am.





 Sophisticated IMDB user and Gibson fan ETCmodel02 is as well, writing, ""See, the cyberpunk genre can be fun without being tripe." And here I thought that was just stomach lining! Look, I'm learning things!

I also learned that people were a bit miffed by the opening line of the plot synopsis, "The hottest sex, the coolest technology, the most extreme adventure you've ever experienced." I guess when there's absolutely no sex in a movie, that line can be a bit hard to pull off. Oh well, good thing I never made it that far - as soon as I saw the cover, it went straight into my VCR!

Bai Ling in Code Hunter (2002)

Bai Ling in 2015

Final Judgement: Bai Ling is a genetically modified alien princess/The Highlander meets Lawnmower Man meets Hackers meets Virtuosity/Makes me want to watch Precious Find again/As classic as it gets/"'What the hell do we have to do to get some goddamn answers around here?"' - 'Play video games'"

WarGames (1983)

What an awesome movie! I know, not really obscure or underrated (Or is it? To be honest, I have no idea what anyone else is thinking at any given time. It did get nominated for several Oscars, but maybe people were just more chill in general back then. Or maybe this didn't yet fall into the 'sci-fi' genre. I've heard of it. I've seen it several times. I've definitely talked about it with people. You've probably seen it [it's fucking classic!]. So....obscure? underrated? or just under-appreciated?) I mean, come on, it's awesome, right? Let's think of all the great things about it: a) 80's computers! b) 1983! c) shirtless (and hairless) boy-man Matthew Broderick! d) a computer that can learn! e) hacking! f) computers taking control of military systems! g) Ally Sheedy (That chick from Short Circuit I & II and The Breakfast Club [yes, she's the dandruff-appreciating freak])! h) LED's flashing in bold patterns for no apparent reason! i) Seattle skyline! j) Colorado skyline! k) Washington scenery in general! l) the potential for WWIII (is that a good thing?)! m) 80's graphics of tiny missiles, warheads and submarines! n) Pterodactyl airplanes! o) the classic theme of the next great extinction (Humans have outworn their welcome and their planet! The bees will soon take control!) And the list continues! Widely touted as one of the first and most prominent cyberthriller/hacker films, WarGames lives on in the nerd world. If you appreciate this movie (as you rightfully should) and would like to explore the timeless (at least in the last centuries) concept of human and machine conflict, including, but not limited to, the evolution of the artificial thinking machine, hacking, and the psychological and physical merge between man and machine to form the next great species, and you're sick of watching the Terminator movies (not that they're not awesome and everything) then I invited you to engage in these other fantastic films: Virtuosity (Denzel and Russell Crowe; the story of evolving artificial intelligence; the best scene is when Crowe terrorizes rando 80s/90s club-goers with guns and then records their screams to create an inspiring musical piece: terror-opera!), Hackers (is an explanation even necessary?: it's brilliant! And Matthew Lilliard is in it!), 2001: A Space Odyssey (duh!), Macross Plus (a Japanese anime with a demented A.I. pop-star [and you thought they couldn't get any more finnicky...]), The Lawnmower Man (man uses machine to increase human intelligence and then attempts to enter and dominate the system and everything it controls) and, of course, Ghost in the Shell and Ghost in the Shell II: Innocence (fantastic anime with a blend of CGI and hand-drawn frames; a Kurzweil-esque version of the merge). Wowzah. That should keep you busy for sure. And that's just a few. Don't even get me started on the clone/robot/science in-the-wrong list. But don't worry, there are probably a few more years to prepare before computers start evolving, thinking freely and deciding to eliminate the human race ('it's for your own good!' they'll say).....................

Final Judgment, "God gave us computers for a reason!/Long live WarGames!"

Unspeakable (2002)

This unreleased movie, stars the impeccably glorious Dennis Hopper with a shiny appearance by Lance Henriksen (why do I like him again?) and Jeff Fahey (am I the only one who watched The Lawnmower Man?). Oh yeah; and it's got that topless chick from Starship Troopers in it (as I scan her imdb credits, I am more and more impressed; and who wouldn't be with titles like Dragonheart and Johnny Mnemonic coming up?). Truth be told, this movie is pretty fucking epic. And I mean that in the, "I can't believe this exists and that I watched it (but I'll probably watch it again)" sense of the word. In true Tesla fashion, I'm going to flat out list all of the craziness in an eccentric attempt to grasp a the big picture of this frenetic film. Okay...here goes: Wrongly executed Mexicans, brains falling out, a machine that can let two people share visual images of their dreams and imaginings, some sort of supernatural mind control, Dennis Hopper ripping his own face off, maggots in the brain, bizarro science and questionable physics, horrific creatures, psychopaths and regrettable abortions. How do all of those things go together you ask? Pretty strangely. It's sort of like this supernatural, religious, creature-feature, horror, action-thriller. But I guess since this clearly-a-plastic-surgeon-in-LA character wrote, produced and starred in the film, he thought this was his one shot and promptly blew his load all over every genre typically attributed to superficial macho types who for some reason don't want tits in their movies. That would be my guess at least. Spencer seems to think that the only reason Dennis Hopper did the film is in exchange for a little "work" if you know what I mean, and I incline to agree. I mean, there was only a $2 million budget for this shebang. And there were some pretty serious sets, props and actors for that much. They even had a helicopter! Makes you think, huh? All in all, the whole event was pretty confusing. And, for some reason, I'm pretty cool with that. I guess confusing is a refreshing perspective when you scan the Rasputin stacks and every fucking VHS cover says something about a cop or a government agent and the Mob or the Russians or some fucking shit. I get it already! I can't even bring myself to buy Jean-Claude movies anymore because I own all the good ones and all the other ones have the same flipping summary on the back and stylized mullet on the front. Lordy, lordy.

Final Judgment: "I'm pretty sure Dennis Hopper didn't even bother with a script in this one/For most people, the title pretty much says it all!"

My favorite quotes:

"Even Jesus Christ himself would come down off the cross to juice this guy!"

And
This one's from a fellow commenter:

"There was an exchange of dialogue near the end of the film between Henrickson and Meyer.
H: "You were really fascinated by him weren't you?" M: "Yeah, grotesquely fascinated. I probably could have studied him for years." H : "Yeah, but at what cost to your psyche?"

That's really what 'Unspeakable' is all about. Yeah, you could watch it. But at what cost to your psyche?"

Fair enough my friend, fair enough.

Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

Well, I can't believe I haven't written about this movie before, because it's surely one of my all-time favorites. It all started long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, otherwise known as 185 Nassau Hall, Princeton University. It was in that distant place where my rather well-to-do film professor informed the class that Johnny Mnemonic was indeed, the worst Hollywood movie ever made. As he described the futuristic sets, cyberpunk themes, delirious computer graphics, robotic characters (literally) and mix of gratuitous costuming and colored lighting, I knew it was love at first sight. I'm sorry Mr. Sanborn, but this here movie might be one of the most glorious things to ever saunter delicately into my existence. The film is also known as Fugitivo del Futuro, and my imdb friend Miho Ishimine describes the plot quite wonderfully,

"In 2021, the whole world is connected by the gigantic Internet, and almost a half of the population is suffering from the Nerve Attenuation Syndrome (NAS).Johnny with an inplanted memory chip in his brain was ordered to transport the over loaded information from Beijing to Newark. While Pharmakom Industries supported by yakuza tries to capture him to get the informaiton back, the Low-tech group led by J-Bone tries to break the missing code to download the cure of NAS which Johnny carries."
Ah, mi-hijo/mijo Miho, someday the gigantic Internet will eat us all. What my friend didn't mention is that Keanu Reeves, Ice-T and Dolph Lundgren, clearly some of the greatest action actors of the 1990's, all graced this film with their immaculate presences. Keanu plays the wooden cyber-smuggler who just wants "room service," and, "a 10,000 $ a night hooker!" Ice-T is clearly playing J-Bone, a rebel leader with the deadliest of dreadlocks. I can't decide if I hope he named his own character or not....And Dolph, amazingly enough, plays some cyborg, assassin preacher-man with his super awesome crucifix knife that, try as I might, I can't seem to find for purchase on the gigantic Internet. It's okay, time is on my side. Another thing that so preciously needs to be added to any summary of this epic encounter is the fact that the real hero is a flippin' dolphin with a cyber helmet! His sonic laser beams kill bad guys and broadcast truth across the globe simultaneously! And he is probably the ugliest dolphin ever made! We get to enjoy him while gliding through a multi-colored, graphicized version of digital reality that brings back sweet memories of Lawnmower Man while reminding me once again why I love my wacko sci-fi movie collection. Ahhh, VHS. Anywho, this movie will blow your mind.
Final Judgment: "Film professors everywhere beware: El Fugitivo del Futuro is invading mindspace in multiple dimensions and it feels so right!/Robot dolphins with brain powers make everything better!/Clearly Keanu has nothing to be sad about!/Oh, the nineties, won't you come back to me?

Ps. Oh, did I mention that this movie is based on a book by one of my absolute favorite authors, cyberpunk god, William Gibson? He also wrote the very famous and very influential "Neuromancer," as well as a slew of other genius works. Woohoo cyberpunk!


"Listen. You listen to me. You see that city over there? THAT’S where I’m supposed to be. Not down here with the dogs, and the garbage, and the fucking last month’s newspapers blowing *back* and *forth*. I’ve had it with them, I’ve had it with you, I’ve had it with ALL THIS —
I WANT ROOM SERVICE!!! I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer,
I want a $10,000-a-night hooker. I want my shirts laundered…like they do…
at the Imperial Hotel…in Tokyo."