Friday, December 12, 2008

Precious Find (1996)

I won't lie, when I head to an imdb comments page and read things like, "Simply put the worst movie ever," or "for pete's sake what junk," I know I'm on to something. I've actually posted the entirety of my favorite complaining commentary down below (why does this person think that I would have any respect for their existence when they a) don't appreciate space ninjas, b) can't write at the level of a second grader, and c) use entirely too many punctuation marks and yet can't spend the time to spell out "you"?). Anyway, yes, I'm pretty much hoping for negative reviews because it turns out that most people have terrible taste in movies! One of those people is not, however, Rutger Hauer, as I have recently become aware (I'm a late-Hauer-bloomer, I know!) of the awesomeness that is his filmography (and those are just for starters), and damn, he knows how to pick 'em! And this golden gem is no exception. It's basically just gold rush fever (apparently it's a remake of The Treasure of the Sierra Madre), except it takes place in space (with the ever requisite cantina scene!), they pull a Tremors and rip off Herbert (is that claymation?!!), and there are ugly cyborgs to fulfill the requisite yakuza quota (trust me, that is definitely a good thing!). In addition to Hauer, this trashy thriller contains several sci-fi semi-greats, including Joan Chen (Judge Dredd) and Brion James (The 5th Element, Nemesis, Blade Runner, and Enemy Mine [and then there are the cop movies = Tango and Cash, Another 48 Hours -- this dude gets around!/I guess there's always a need for weird looking white dudes?]), not to mention the director Philippe Mora (Mad Dog Morgan!!!), certainly a bountiful b-list cast. It'll totally give you a LOTR flashback too since everyone runs around crazy-like, creepily chanting "precious, my precious!" The effects aren't too terrible (I'd hope not in '96!), and they don't shy away from space-ships and meteors, but in general, not too much appears spacey and futuristic (that's probably a good thing on this unknown but clearly limited budget). I totally started tripping in the end, partially due to the poor editing, and partially due to the fact that Hauer goes wacko and then reappears in the next scene with a full fucking Highlander ponytail, samurai sword, metal storage area to run around, and sparks flying around his head; do they really need to remind me that I could be watching Lambert and Connery grace the screen right now? Why didn't they just have Joan Chen grab a leather skirt and a chakram while they're at it? Oh well, I guess a beligerant Hauer will have to do...And yes, I found the trailer.

I deem it: "A golden goose among pewter ducks/Hauer doesn't fail to disappoint; you'll be
craving more bad sci-fi in no time!/All the ugly white guys you can handle!"

gold,space,ninjas,what else is there?, 11 March 2002
Author: Tfh_962 from New Zealand

well i know i have seen them all now! , can anyone tell me why the space station has a pick-up truck in it on a ranch and what the hell that alein worm was that u never here of again ? was it left over from another set or something???????? i dont know what to think all kinds of stuff like that , but!!! i am thinking ,is this film made to be serious? thats the question ,cause if it was made to be like not stupid then the whole movie is undoubtably a peice of junk its got all the 2 dollar speical affects , crappy everything i think they lost the space station half way through so they replaced it with a ranch i mean u got to take your hat off to the crew , talk about not caring about there jobs or the movie,,,,,BUT if it is like made to be a peice of junk funny crap thing like plan 9 thing then it is undoubtably genius i mean it would be so hard to make a movie so crap it BECOMES !!good so i give it about a 3/10 u have to see it to believe it ,just make sure u dont except much in the way of science fiction , SO if u want to see a movie about Ninja Card playing gold miners who ride around in pick-up trucks on space stations then this movie is for U!!


Philippe Mora said...

Thanks Tesla--I have a soft spot for this film. Sadly, a better version was really butchered by the producers.
C'est la vie. My brief was: make Star Wars for 1.5 million. The shoot was 18 days.
Philippe Mora

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