Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Turbulence (1997)

Well, the nineties certainly seemed to be a decade of airplane-crash/hostage movies. This quickly came to a halt after you-know-what happened in 2001. That is...except for couple of creepy lesbian horror movies (ie Flightplan) that made me a little uncomfortable, as many of the recent Jodie Foster movies (cough cough The Brave One) tend to do. This streak will no doubt NOT be remedied by her upcoming appearance in The Beaver with Mel Gibson and a hand puppet. Yikes. Anyway, so there were airplane hostage movies in the nineties. Actually both Air Force One and Con Air came out within a year of this piece of work. And I hate to say it, but I think this movie might actually be the least believable of the three. That's right, there is something less realistic than putting all of the worst criminals alive on a single plane with almost zero protection and then having a stringy haired marine with a criminal record, a heart-of-gold and a terrible accent, plus John Cusack in a suit, single-handedly take down the villains and land the plane in Las Vegas successfully with few casualties despite taking out several buildings. And that thing is Turbulence. I just could not grab control of my suspension of disbelief in this movie for one, almost-unbelievably innocuous detail: why is this a two-level plane flying on Christmas day with fewer than 10 passengers and way too many Christmas decorations? Why? Why? Why? Please, someone, explain it to me. Actually, now that I think about it, I have some other questions too. Why would they ever fly dangerous criminals on a commercial flight and then let them use the bathroom without watching them? Why? Why? Why? I mean, if the whole movie is going to take place on two sets, the airplane and the control room, couldn't they come up with a better explanation for being there? Why does everyone in this movie looks like they teleported out of 1993? Why did this movie cost an absurd $55 million? And why, why, why is this the most useless female character of all time? All she does is whine about men the whole movie. Before she gets on the plane, whine. When she's stewardess-servicing the criminals with all the other female/gay flight attendants, whine. When they're killing people, whine. When the plane is flying upside-down (apparently they can do that), whine. She can't even land the flipping plane! She has to have some British dandy with crossed legs and a spot of tea talk her through it. And by that, I mean he has to talk her through pushing the 'autopilot' button. Whew! Good thing there was such a strong character aboard the plane to push that button! Great use of female action power! And to top it off, I think she goes on a date with that British dude-pilot. Good thing the day wasn't a complete loss for her! She fended off that crazy sex-pot psychopath, the ever-greasy Ray-Liotta, evaded death unlike so many of her best friends and colleagues, and she used her coocha to move up the business ladder. Cha-ching! As one clearly adept reviewer remarked, "This film makes DIE HARD 2 look like a documentary." Well said.

Final Judgment: "Rife with incredulous laughs and scoffs of disbelief, this box-office bomb epitomizes the fantasies and capitalistic mantra of the entertainment industry; in other words = Fist Pump this Party-Poppin' Bitch, Baby!"

Ps. This is the second photo that came up when I googled "Sexy Ray Liotta." Amen.

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