Thursday, November 14, 2019

Horrorvision (2001)

It's honestly shocking that it's taken me this long to stumble into the world of Full Moon Features. As far as I can tell, Full Moon is like the Z-list of the Z-list cult-classic horror film world, where people who want to see Evil Bong and Gingerdead Man also want to see Evil Bong 666 and Gingerdead Man 3 (how many of these movies did they even make?!). If that sounds appealing to you, don't hesitate - they are all streaming right now on Full Moon's specialty streaming really does seem like everyone has one of those these days...

The film in question, Horrorvision, is just one of the thousands of "no budget films" that Full Moon Feature has made as part of what they call 'guerrilla filmmaking,' meaning, they didn't have permits for filming - they just had to hop out of the car in LA and get the scene done before someone called the cops. And based on all the pleather people are wearing in this movie, people are calling the cops pretty damn fast.

Even of all the Full Moon Features, fans seem to agree that Horrorvision falls out at the bottom of the pile. Whether it's the fact that literally 1/4 of the 82 minute film is just a filter-heavy music video scene of the protagonist driving aimlessly through LA, or the hodge-podge of Matrix, Star Wars, and Johnny Mnemonic references that somehow all find themselves in a goth gore porn techno horror-thriller, people are not very pleased.  
I, on the other hand, actually found quite a few redeeming aspects of this VHS that has been idling on my shelf for too long. It must be something about the 'apocalyptic hatred of the internet incel-powered artificial intelligence converting everyone into mass murderers' / 'classic stack of hacker TVs except with some ghoulish jason type virtual gatekeeper monster named Wetwire' / 'he had a nightmare where his dick turned into a bunch of computer cables - we've all been there I guess...' / 'his stock report watch brought forth some sort of Mad Max robot desert monster machine,' vibes. They stick with you, you know?

Or maybe it's the exquisitely written script, with characters named names like Dez and Dazzy saying things like, "You can suck the snotty end of my fuck stick", or, "the only plastic we have here goes on your dick," or perhaps, "As my granny used to say, 'Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first'...Of course, the best interaction has to be between Dez and this Blade-character who shows up mid-film:

"Society functioned before the advent of technology, deal with it."
-"What are you, some kind of anarchist?"
"If you want live in virtual sterility you're to have to rid yourself of technology, rebuild yourself, become organic"

I mean, isn't this a conversation we've all had at some point? Even if it is only with our stoned-AF brother down at the beach?

I, for one, relish a film where every scene is completely unexpected, even if it's only because it was made in 12 days on a $1,000 budget (a little trivia: this was actually the first version of feardotcom). At least they were trying! That's more than you can say for most of the multi-million dollar trash they play in theaters these days. This, my friends, is a movie that you want to turn to your friends and talk about, even if it is only to say, "what the fuck did we just watch?" Also the soundtrack is truly excellent (see below). Another bonus - the special features at the end of the VHS are actually just as long as the movie itself. I'm not saying, 'stop your life and see this film,' but are you really paying more money to see another superhero film in theaters? Really?
Final Judgement: "No one said it's perfect, but I have no regrets" / "Go big or go home" / "Make me feel again" / "Just some kid fondling some transistors in a haze" / "Time to get jacked into your own soul"

Babydoll Johnson
The Divine