Saturday, August 1, 2020

No Escape (1994)

This is one of those VHS tapes that sits on your shelves for year, waiting for the exact night when it is called upon. What is it that finally brings it to your attention? Why now? And why did it sit in obscurity for so long? Well, for one reason, it looks like some sort of island warfare, 'Lord of the Flies' pic. But the summary tells a different story - a story of futuristic battles, space prisons, and Ray Liotta playing an epic hero. Lo and behold, it is all of those things. It is set in the future. And there is a space prison. But for some completely unknown reason, the warden of the space prison actually likes to drop his feistiest prisoners off on an abandoned tropical island where they can fight it out amongst themselves. If I personally had to choose between life in a cement space prison versus life on a tropical island, I think I know which way I would lean, even if I did have to smack a few heads to crawl up the prison hierarchy. But I digress. The point is, most of the movie takes place on an island. And it's an island with warring factions - the ever classic good versus evil, cannibal versus farmers, religious folk versus primitive savages. So get ready for decapitations juxtaposed against inspiring speeches, stabbing people with their own bones versus building a new technological society out of the bounty of nature. That sort of stuff. And Ray Liotta right in the middle of it. Well Ray Liotta, Lance Henrikson, and Ernie Hudson. Man, I love Ernie Hudson. And let's not forget Stuart Wilson, who also makes an appearance in one of the director's later films (The Mask of Zorro), and who was clearly hired for his masterful work in TMNT III.

All in all, it's a good thing there are so many cool dudes in this movie, because there are no women. Like literally, not a single woman is in this movie. Talk about failing the Bechdel test. What's a tropical island without a bikini or two?

Well there aren't any juicy coconuts in this flick, but here are a couple other juicy tidbits for you. A) It's from the same producer as Aliens and The Terminator, B) It was billed as a mix between Mad Max and The Fortress, and C) It spawned a comic book series published by Marvel - does that make this one of those Marvel movies? They should remake it with all CGI, too many characters, and bad jokes, and rake in a billion dollars.

Also, it has a pretty high-bar director at the helm: Martin Campbell. This is the same genius mind that brought us Vertical Limit, The Mask of Zorro, GoldenEye and Casino Royale (2006) and the masterpiece that is Green Lantern (lolzzz), among others. Altogether, not a bad showing.

In the end, I think we can let some of the photos tell us the real story. Let's be honest: why haven't you already seen this movie?

Final Judgement: A confusing hodgepodge of some of your favorite genres/A quintessential tale of men killing each other/Leather is all the rage in the future/Why is Ray Liotta in this again?

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Absolon (2003)

Well isn't this timely? I mean, I watched this a few months ago and am just now getting around to writing up the post - to be honest, I had no idea how relevant this film would be. But here we are. Remind me again why people are all hyped up on watching Contagion when they could just be watching this cinematic gem?

You want an all-star cast? You got it. Christopher Lambert, Lou Diamond Phillips, Kelly Brook, Ron Perlman. That's what I am talking about.

You want hot outfits and sets in a post-apocalyptic world? This is the future aesthetic I am all about - one that was clearly modeled after a 2002 nightclub. Cops wearing belly shirts with colorful hair extensions, cops wearing sweatshirts with the iron-on word POLICE across the front...And that's just the beginning.

The scene is a post-pandemic world where everyone has to take a drug to stay alive, a drug (of course) owned and doled out by a massive corporation. Gotta love capitalism. Except, instead of money, time is now the ultimate currency. As in time off your life. Run out of time and you're dead. 22 minutes for a loaf of bread. This is Capitalism 2.0 my friends.

Some of the scientists are out there trying to help while the corporation tries to shut them down. They are operating out of my favorite kinds of science labs - the ones completely overrun by plants. Ahh the dream. Don't worry, even in this virus controlled corporate dream, there are still tacos and science grants. So what are we all so worried about?

I am not the only one thinking this film is ringing pretty close to home. IMDB user melobruce was ahead of the game in 2005, writing this prescient review:

melobruce29 October 2005
so why did i give this rather poorly constructed film a 10?? because the subject matter is true, and is happening to us now, today, and while i am writing this review. fear-mongering, creating habituation, misleading the public, lying to the public, killing the public, controlling the public, is all true. i'm used to being ridiculed for my views on this but i go on record as saying that Steven Seagall, Fernando Meirelles, Steve Mqueen, Michael Moore, and Tom Cruise are all right and telling the truth. i am only hoping that these truths will become common knowledge during my lifetime. i admit that some directors and some screen plays have done this better. but that doesn't mean that the subject here is a fantasy. and good for Christopher Lambert. i've always been a fan of his and loved him in Highlander. he was enjoyable enough to watch in this modest, low-budget film. and Kelly Brook looks good to me. big fan of Lou and Ron's too.
Final Judgement: "There's no one I'd rather have saving the world than Christopher Lambert / Almost too real right now / Leave Contagion on your netflix box and watch Absolon instead / The future is now."