Monday, December 14, 2009

How To Make A Monster (2001)

Well, it's always a good thing when the kid's movie you're watching turns out to actually be filled with bouncing boobies and mished-mashed body parts. Isn't it? This was like a video-game, stoner flick from hell. As pleasantly surprised as I was by the addition of nudity, I found myself asking "are they really making that girl jump up and down?" And then there was the terrible technology with 1992 computer graphics and a serious lack of preemptive research. I mean, I may not be a gamer per se, but I certainly know that when the game is less interesting or challenging than your local kiddie maze, not to mention it has to be made for a major company in less than 2 months, that somebody is full of shit. I mean, that giant is programming in his weapon play by swinging around swords with some cables wrapped around his bulges? I don't think so. And half the technology words were completely made up. Question: what does devil-Pikachu have to do with this Evilution? Yes, my friends: the game is called Evilution. It's not often that I come across a movie where the swearing is so bountiful that it makes a tacky movie look even tackier. But with a name like How To Make A Monster I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The fucks make Officer John McClane look like a goddamn angel! It's like they just gave up on having any sort of audience at all. I mean, who are they aiming for? Teenage boys who don't play video games? What TV channel did they even make this for? And, of course the black guy dies first. But then they have to go and meld his head onto some giant white dude's body...And add on metallic jaws, a battle helmet and a couple of pixelated fireballs? That ain't right. I seriously wasn't expecting all the super-nast of oozing body pieces, squelching noises and the general level of corpsification. It really got good at the end though. I think that at one point the chick is having a virtual reality battle against a three dimensional opponent, during a real battle. Yes, mind-boggling. And they certainly up the fear factor waving around that bloody CD-rom. I'm shivering in my boots! What's next, the fright-mongering USB drive? Even better, I think the video game killing somehow gave her creepy blood-lust and monster-groupie tendencies. I'm so confused!

Final Judgment: "Take another hit my friend!/Technology is evil! And bouncy tits are never out of style!"