Saturday, July 21, 2018

Code Hunter / Storm Watch (2002)

Another straight to VHS beauty. Have you noticed how the DVD / online platform previews for B-list movies always make them look terrible and not at all as awesome as they would have been when they caught your eye browsing the shelves of Rasputin? A million copies of Jerry McGuire and then *BAM*, the face of this clear winner.

And that list of names. Oh the names. We have a real battle of the B-listers here. Adrian Paul, Bai Ling, Tone Loc, Coolio, and of course I can't forget the lovely Vanessa Marcil. I say of course because I was quite impressed, although in hindsight not at all surprised, by the number of reviewers who wrote that they procured this movie just for her. She is in The Rock after all. The director has a much less impressive list of credentials, heavily marred by a blatant Indiana Jones ripoff - that's more obvious even then stupid Avatar stealing the Pocahontas story and leaving out all the killer music!

But seriously, when you put the Highlander, the Vampire Princess, and two rap artists into a movie, I want to see it. I'm going to see it. And see it I did.

This is a movie where a boy can live out his Eurotrash spy dreams in virtual reality VR missions while the vampirically unchanging Bai Ling chases him down in vinyl miniclothes and a blue wig. Seriously, how have I never written about Bai Ling before? She does - not - change (see below) = amazing!

This is a movie where, in battle, everyone randomly types as fast as they can, and the code flashes back and forth in some non-sensical non-language. This is a movie where Coolio is a gunslingin cowboy shooting cops, where everyone wears colored sunglasses indoors, where satellites shoot lightning, and where hurricanes meet artificial intelligence. This is a movie you want to see. At least once. If you're into that sort of thing I mean. I most certainly am.

 Sophisticated IMDB user and Gibson fan ETCmodel02 is as well, writing, ""See, the cyberpunk genre can be fun without being tripe." And here I thought that was just stomach lining! Look, I'm learning things!

I also learned that people were a bit miffed by the opening line of the plot synopsis, "The hottest sex, the coolest technology, the most extreme adventure you've ever experienced." I guess when there's absolutely no sex in a movie, that line can be a bit hard to pull off. Oh well, good thing I never made it that far - as soon as I saw the cover, it went straight into my VCR!

Bai Ling in Code Hunter (2002)
Bai Ling in 2015
Final Judgement: Bai Ling is a genetically modified alien princess/The Highlander meets Lawnmower Man meets Hackers meets Virtuosity/Makes me want to watch Precious Find again/As classic as it gets/"'What the hell do we have to do to get some goddamn answers around here?"' - 'Play video games'"