Sunday, January 31, 2016

Hardware (1990)

We open on the desert under red filter.
A robot hand slowly emerges from under the sand, revealed by a strong wind. A burning man escapee walks across the sand, uncovers the robot.
"This is Angry Bob, the man with the industrial dick!"

Iggy Pop is Angry Bob. The boat-cab driver is Lemmy from Motörhead. And this is how you know you are about to sit through 94 minutes of mind-altering escapism.

A post-apocalyptic Earth, bug tea, zone trippers and Nintendo glove arms (I just can NOT think of the Nintendo glove without reminiscing about the greatness that is Congo). Oh yeah, and there sure is a lot of meditation for such a pervy movie. Yes, super pervy. Some of the lines are too pervy for respectable internet. Luckily, this is not such a respectable site.

"You ready to take it up the ass? What if I fuck you with a string of popcorn up your ass and pull it out real slow?"

"Do you think you're ready to try the Hershey Highway?"

"Take that big dick. Take it all the way in. Take it. Suck him dry. That's it baby...squeeze that tube."

That last one is courtesy of a gross, fat, sweaty pervo masturbating and sticking his tongue out like a dying pig. Ah Hardware. Apparently they had to cut a lot of footage to get the R rating in the US of A. I wonder where that footage is...maybe on France's "Genetic Warrior" release? I guess I know what I'm doing this Friday night...

And despite the fact that this movie was a financial success ($5.7 million to it's $1.5 mill. production budget!), somehow the director Richard Stanley never really went on to do much else. A travesty and tragedy, I am sure.

Just a few more things:
weird psychic circles and flashing lights and Kali Indian god of destruction
radiation free reindeer steaks
slow motion decapitation by baseball bat     &
major good vibes cigarettes

Final judgement: this is some epileptic robot nightmare shit; this is a horror sci-fi post-apocalyptic creature feature; this is a sad broken love story; this is population control - the final solution