Monday, June 16, 2008

Cerberus: The Guardian of Hell (2005 [tv])

Man, I didn't even know that this beaut was made for TV until I looked at the imdb page, although I should have guessed based on the abysmal quality of the special effects (not to mention everything else). Then again, have you seen the new Indy movie? And that piece of shit cost a whopping $185 million! How is that possible? Well, at least Cerberus has an imdb page. Some of the actors even have little profile pictures next to their names. That's how you know it's classy. Basically, this is a really awful sci-fi/horror/action movie, although there wasn't much action (and no titties!), the horror was primarily self-inflicted (has my judgment really gotten this bad?) and the science-fiction part is the fact that people (myself included) actually paid to see this movie. Damn. To be fair, I was reliving a high school tradition of renting the most terrific (as in terror-inducing) movie possible (it's not your money anyways...), getting intoxicated and sharing some giggles. Unfortunately, this movie was barely even cheesy enough to laugh about, let alone bake into enchiladas. You're watching a shitacious drama with shitacious dialogue that is mindless and simultaneously mind-frying, and then bang! a tremendously fake CGI hell-hound appears on screen. This happens sporadically for approximately 92 minutes. Can you believe this was 2005? I mean, what, did they use JC equipment for this shit? The point is, it sucks. And even though it was made for TV, I'm sure they don't actually show it anymore, so the only way of actually seeing this crap is either finding somewhere to buy it or renting it (why does Blockbuster carry Cerberus and yet no Dark Angel? Jessica Alba is clearly more attractive than a 2-dimensional computer graphic of a disgusting beast from the supernatural bowels of the earth. Yes?). I guess that gives it a little charm, right? Oh wait, a simple google search reveals several copies available online. Who are these people???

Final Verdict: "Thank god I didn't buy it!"

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