The Attic Expeditions (2001)

I'm the first to admit that I had serious doubts before watching this film. These mal-concluded notions were induced primarily by the fact that I bought this VHS exclusively because Seth Green (the only name really worth knowing) is on the cover. Now, when you're buying movies solely because of Seth Green it's time to realize that you either have a seriously large movie collection or your sense of irony has propelled itself entirely off of the radar (uh-hum). There's also a hint of S&M, and it looked like a teen horror, so I ended up picking it up at a Rasputin (shop local!) for about $2 (how else do you manage to watch movies this obscure/low-budget?). In the S&M department, I was not deceived; a key benefit of being an obscure film that goes straight to video is the fact that you can have lots and lots of full-frontal nudity (ladies only; sorry!) with little to no protest. I mean damn!: They're just throwing tits and pussy at you left and right! I'm cool with it though. You may not be able to buy great CGI (or any CGI at all) for a million bucks, but you can certainly buy some pussy. Good ole reliable poontang. And while we're on the subject of budget, let me tell you: I have seen a lot worse movies that cost a lot more than $1,000,000. Probably about a quarter of that went just to Alice Cooper, who shows up as a mental patient in about 5 minutes of the film. That is, unless they paid him entirely in burritos (oh wait, that's Ozzy [in fact, Chipotle actually cites him on their reviews page!]). While wikipedia describes the film as ""random", "incoherent", "violently confusing", and lacking any plot whatsoever, at any point," my examination of imdb user reviews has uncovered that many viewers fall completely on the other side of the Mulholland fence. What I mean by this is: while a substantial chunk of people often hate the movie for being completely and utterly puzzling, the rest of them like it for exactly the same reason. I won't lie, I was indeed "violently confused" for about the last 30 minutes of the cinematic journey. The rest of it seemed to actually make sense (I wasn't sure where the magical book of spells or the ritual murders and ability to create fire by snapping [oh wait, there are special effects!] came in, but the majority of the film seemed to be fairly reasonable). It was after about the third or fourth 'this is all in your head' incident that I started to lose my nimble mental grasp over the plot (I guess it could have just been a weed haze), but then they threw in some repeat full frontal and all my worries were over. All-in-all, not a terrible film. Lots of craziness, lots of confusion, definitely a film you could show to a newly developing stoner to quote on quote blow their mind. Spencer's final analysis was "it's a circular plot," but as with any bounded area (the universe), all I want to know is: what's on the other side?

I deem it: "A veritable carousel of blood and booty."

And just for pleasure: