The Three Musketeers (1993)

Oh what a glorious piece of my youth. While other young females may have been glued to Black Beauty, Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken and/or Little Women (all three of which grace my cinematic memory), it was The Three Musketeers that ultimately molded me into the movie critic that I am today. And back then, I didn't even realize it's full greatness! Por ejemplo, Keifer (that's also a kind of boozy yogurt) Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, Chris O'Donnell, Oliver Platt and Tim Fucking Curry all play principle parts in this perfectly scrumptious action time-piece. What names! What legacies! What hair! No, it's not completely accurate. Yes, Curry basically wears a dress the whole time (should you really be suprised?). And, theoretically, quite potentially, there is a guest appearance by none other than the Toxic Avenger (all hail NJ!). Don't be scared away by the Walt Disney logo at the beginning of the film (or on the box, the vhs tape and the iron padlock claiming all rights and ownership of the film) because I'm not quite sure how this garnered a PG rating (big-brother Disney pushing the little guys around). There is cleavage galore! And almost nudity! And drinking, lots and lots of drinking! There's also death in a variety of forms, although primarily involving swords. Yay for sword fighting! But, essential to every Disney film (or at least the ones worth counting), there are the requisite jokes and light-heartedness, loss over love, love recovered, ridiculous outfits and scenarios, and an ultimately happy ending where good conquers evil. They even take a few snips at the Church, although they make sure not to piss of the Big Guy by letting children around the globe know that "there really is a God." And while I'm not sure if it's quite particularly in their best interest, Disney does show that a few can take down the masses of evil and a king will always listen to a musketeer (is that how Britney and Justin made it?). Oh man, and you have to watch the music video of "All for Love" by Sting, Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams. It comes before the film on the VHS copy and it is quite possibly the gayest thing I've every seen (and I live near Moby Dick in the Castro!). Three of them - three musketeers - coincidence? I think not! All in all, thoroughly rowdy and uplifting (the movie, not the music...that's just filled with even more ridiculous hair and fondling; Sting totally brought the guitar so he'd have an excuse not to touch those other dudes!)!

I deem it: "Fit for a king and all her masses!"