The Tuxedo (2002)

Oh Jackie Chan: how low you will sink to make a quick buck (example also given. Rush Hour 2 and 3, Around the World in 80 Days [see below], and The Medallion [clearly the exact same movie in different outerwear). This particular film is most aptly described by some lonely soul on the imdb homepage (clearly where I get the majority of my information [on life as well as "art"]) who spouts forth poetry in the form of a superbly executed movie summary: "A hapless chauffer must take a comatosed secret agent's place using his special gadget-laden tuxedo." Yep, that's about it. At this point they have to actually make up mystical/scientific plot excuses to explain how awesome Jackie Chan is; He's literally surpassed the realm of physics! Unbelievable! No, not really. What is unbelievable is that the producers thought that anyone wanted to sit through 98 minutes of Jennifer Love Hewitt jabber. Yuck. She's especially annoying this film, primarily because they give her a speaking part. That's a big mistake if you ask me (if only they would; so many films could be so much better...). Another low point, The Tuxedo draws almost exclusively upon physical humor in that Abbott and Costello kind of way that makes you wonder if this is a 21st century children's/inoffensive white couple's type of movie. You should always stick to the 80's and 90's (that's another piece of ironic comedy advice from the VHS Queen of the West Coast [right?]). Let's summarize: Fake science?: check. Pathetic attempts at humor?: check. Stereotypically egotistical bad guy + maniacal mad-scientist?: check. Jokes about insinuated sexual activities that clearly don't take place?: check. Jackie vs. James as Chan incapacitates Brown only to take his place as the "Emperor of Soul?": check. Do I really need to keep going? I feel like if what I have just told you has either convinced you to watch this film whilst sober or has not convinced you not to watch it whilst intoxicated, you have some issues that need attending. In fact, the only thing that I found informative about this movie is that it taught me how to say tuxedo in Spanish: el smoking. Ah, my favorite word.

Final Judgment: "Only if you're desperate for a few laughs, a pick me up, and a look at what the world really thinks about being one of the most acrobatic fighters in the world."

If only I could feel so victorious: