Dragstrip Girl (1994)

Man oh man-o, this one is pretty bad. To be perfectly fair, there is absolutely no way in the world I would have ever even have watched it if Mark Dacascos wasn't in it (he's one of my heroes! Double Dragon and the Chairman of Iron Chef America?; that's insanity!). Yes, I know, I may be judging on slightly different criteria than you other homos out there (sapiens that is), but still, fate led me to watch this movie. Clearly and unabashedly made for TV, I'm surprised they didn't edit it with the fade-to-blacks and shit. As it was, 82 minutes was too much to ask from me (although I have been working on my generosity). The only reason I did end up making it through the film (and the same reason it made it here to my blog) is the glorious incantation known as Dacascos + the fact that this doesn't even have it's own wikipedia page (but seriously, what kind of world is this coming to where I judge obscurity by the presence of a link on a pseudo-dictionary?)! I hereby proclaim it one of my missions in life to lift this film from it's sinking tar-pit of obscurity and give it one last heave-ho towards the bright light of existence that is known as "celebrity." And since I have already almost completed said mission, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Basically: it's set in the fifties, it's about esoterically star-crossed lovers with literally the worst actress I've ever seen, there is little to no actual drag-racing, the only sort of sexy-time is when the handicapped kid and Dacascos spy on their adopted aunt performing illicit activities with businessmen (to be fair, there is about 2.5 seconds of side-tit when Dacascos finally nails that chick, but, for me at least, it's strangely anticlimactic), and the ending is terrible and depressing. What the fuck? Why do they feel the need to make it such a downer? I mean, I watched for this whole time, and it was seriously awful shit with tons of dramatic racism, and then they just kill off the handicapped kid (the only likeable character I might add) and send Dacascos running for the border with his fling left by to prepare the fucking funeral!! I mean, seriously! They don't even have him do any martial arts!! What a godless waste! Yes, I hope I didn't ruin it for you. There is little to no chance that you will ever encounter this film in your life, but if you do, bring some tissues and your "I'm so incredulous" glasses. In fact, the most favorable thing anyone has ever said about this movie is, "This is one of the better entries in the Showtime Rebel Highway series of AIP remakes." That may just be the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

Final Judgment: "A truly triumphant disaster, with the polished hair and snaky smile of Mark Dacascos being its, literally, only saving grace."

And for some redemption... /(look at that waist!)

For a slightly more favorable review, with daring uses of the name "Lynch" and a special shout-out to the creepy female director, check out the Onion A.V. Club.