Half Past Dead (2002)

Poor, poor Steven Seagal. He's just trying so desperately to remain relevant. I guess he figured that a hip movie with rap stars and multi-racial prison convicts could keephim in the youthful limelight. But let's face it, if Seagal and Dinofrio wrestled in gravy, it would be a veritable Christmas feast! A turkey and a porker! Someone seems to think a little more highly of Seagal's timeless beauty and steadfast clinging to his iconic ponytail, because whatever bozo wrote the imdb mini-bio on him is practically cumming all over the blogging page. Written by the clearly creepy, demented or pathetically pony-tail wearing firehouse44 (?), the bio starts with, "Steven Seagal is a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome looking (often with ponytail) and usually impeccably dressed action star who burst onto the martial arts film scene in 1988..." and continues to yank the weasel from there. Maybe it's the lighting?... Anyway, this amazing film of greatness clearly represents a culmination of expert martial arts fighting and gorgeous Italian designery jailhouse outfits, like everything Seagal is in. I may be being slightly facetious. Seagal even managed to bring in some his epic Eastern enlightenment to this violence-based shit-show! There are lots of explosions though, that's for sure. I was actually extremely impressed to see a budget of $14 million when I was low balling at $30. They had tons of giant fireballs and grenades and missiles and crashing helicopters and all sorts of shit! They probably just paid the cast in Hot Topic gift certificates and all you can eat rib buffets. Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. Actually called The Rock when the script was first written, and also set on Alcatraz, it's nothing new and definitely something borrowed (there's even a revealed treasure location!; are these the same movie?). Luckily, those things include gratuitous violence, senseless murder, vicious little Latinos, and literal lessons in Ebonics. And the soundtrack is bangin'! Man oh man.

I deem it: "A poor man's The Rock for an angry teenage audience/Seagal's pudgiest work yet!/Rewatchably decent action!/Proving that fire makes everything better!