Almost Heroes (1998)

Well, the tables have certainly turned. I haven't felt quite this way since the monstrous responsibility of Dragstrip Girl. I mean, it had to be done; I had to post about this movie. But for once, I'm falling in line with the critics and not the jolly imdb commenters that we've all come to love and trust. To be quite truthful, this scares me, but I guess we can't win them all. Let's be honest, I watched this movie for two basic reasons: it looked absolutely awful and I'd never heard of it despite the fact that Chris Farley is in it. I mean, I know my way around the Blockbuster or two, so a Farley movie should be common knowledge. Especially when you consider the fact that it is officially the last starring role that Farley ever appeared in. And I thought Beverly Hills Ninja was bad! It's hard to laugh at the jokes when you can practically see Farley's suicidal drug thoughts scrolling across his pupils. Ohh, the degradation. I mean, there were a few laughs. And Eugene Levy is always worth a chuckle in ugliness. But mostly, it was a little depressing. The one gag I can't get out of my head (and totally not in a good way) are the straw prostitutes. Yes, if you ever wanted to see a grown man so starved for the female coochie that he will cajole, woo and fuck a scarecrow in a dress at the local brothel, you're in luck. The stock footage of squirrel and eagle bits were pretty good too. And I always love some good animatronics. Otherwise, it's just classic Farley, which, don't get me wrong, isn't a terrible thing, with the dude falling off cliffs and down trees and over waterfall rapids, etc. etc. etc. And Matthew Perry? Even the days of Friends glory couldn't keep him out of this mess. Other people seem to think that rewatching this gem will result in some sort of state of enlightenment where you think every minute of it is hilarious. I appear to have much to learn, my sensei. Instead, for me this appears to be the height of nineties ridiculousness and patheticness. And all while watching some tramp with vegetable oil in her lips prance around and remind me what's wrong with Hollywood these days. Oh well, at least it looks like they found at least one real Indian.

Final Judgment: "I'd be laughing if I wasn't crying."