Saturday, October 31, 2009

Supergirl (1984)

Dun dun dun dun! Well, I guess this is supposed to be some sort of far-fetched feminist fling because all the male characters in this film are flippin' useless. Completely and utterly useless. Unless of course you're looking for a warm and mildly interesting dildo. I may be sounding a bit crude (and trust me, I tone it down for public appearances like this one), but in retrospect, this just seems to be a movie about chicks fighting over a sex toy. Faye Dunaway is a deadly knockout in her crazy-hair wig and giant Japanese kimono. And that Supergirl chick isn't too bad herself. She certainly knows how to please a guy - sky tour in a flying football head bed? Count me in! Not that Dunaway is to be outdone, warping Señor dude back to her zebra print divan in chilling chains and hoping for a spot of lust (don't we all). The other chick is pretty incompetent though (hopefully impotent as well). Now that I think about it, it's almost like the Teen Wolf phenom.; you know, where the sequel is just a mirror copy of the original? You can literally pair up every character in Superman to every character in Supergirl, except they will be of the opposite sex. That's either crafty or incredibly cheap. It's still up in the air. Of course, in that pseudo-faux-feminist way, Hackman gets to revile with his brains while Dunaway has to resort to using misappropriated magic. Take it from a snarky female, brains certainly don't just belong to balding white men. Either way, this movie has crazy construction equipment, and that just may be the secret ingredient needed to make me hop on the train, or bandwagon, or any other vehicular object. The secondary item that graces this curious catastrophe is the whole witchcraft amusement park horror thing. Rhinestone cat eyes, gargoyles and demons, a haunted house and metal cat balls filled with people? For gods' sakes, he lives in a pod! But when she uses her magic mojo to move her mansion/castle up onto the top of the mystic mountain that appears just south of town, I'm all for it. Can't blame a lady for wanting a view!

(notes to self)
oh man, after 2 minutes of smoke and disco light filled credits, i am suddenly in a white blood cell of a future spa city with drugged out whities wearing see through left over hippie clothes
he has a glass wand and singing black ball - he even has a leather pouch
it's like they're in a toy store - of magic!
she's flying warp smelt eggs!
rinse off the cheese sauce!
"immortality be upon this one - she is a share of the sun's everlasting life - there will now be no danger for death - this world will keep her forever"

We mocked the credits and then found out they wasted 1$ million on that shit!

Final judgment: "I guess idiot villains are good when you're an involuntary hero/Sex toys and haunted houses - just in time for Halloween!/Saving sci-fi one blond at a time.

Ps. sucks when the men upstairs find 45 minutes of your film to be unnecessary and the fight scenes still seem too long!:
124 min (international version) | USA:105 min (theatrical version) | USA:138 min (director's cut) | USA:150 min (original cut) | Germany:89 min (Video Version)

"The world is at last my oyster!"

"Nigel: I want to make a very serious proposal.
Selena: In that outfit? "

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