Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Oh Elvira; I don't know if what you're doing is good or bad for the future of feminism, but it's certainly one thing: raunchy. Yes, this movie is clearly made for the kinks...with shiny bodies, endless sex jokes and the freedom of vaginal expression. And her tits! I had to wait until the VHS special features section after the movie to truly determine how she keeps those whoppas up. Yes it's with some secretly sexy under-wire and a whole of lot of gift from god. Can you believe she's almost 40 in this? Crank up the cougar factor! Basically, the whole movie is one long sexscapade with prudish puritans associating a free swinging cooch and nice tatas with being a wicked witch. Oh wait, she is a witch! Good call dudes! In fact, due to her sultry powers of seduction and literacy, Elvira manages to create love spells and animatronic casserole monsters all while wearing her classic Halloween goth get-up and 10lbs of hair. Even her pink mohawked poodle has tricks up his sleeve, transmogrifying into an actually scary dog instead of a little fuzzy that some dude in the Castro dressed up for the Folsom Street Fair. And that creepy Satan dude can totally breathe fire! Anyway, if this movie is about anything besides tits, it's the one-liners, the zingers, the digs, the blitzgriegs, the endless affronts. Yes, the jokes are good. Really in a sort of triumph of will, the movie ends with the highlight of life (at least for those small-town, big-dream, greasy thigh kinda fellas) for Elvira: her own Las Vegas show! Have you ever seen anything so expectedly out-of-control (besides Wong Foo of course)? I mean, oiled men, giant tarantulas, synchronized titty tassles, rapping and the ever misinterpreted...googly eyes? Wow, I've clearly been missing out on the finer points of American existence. Then again, if you can't float, you sink. And I wasn't born with the voluptuous buoys of some other dark-haired vixens. Just gotta keep treading water I guess!

Final Judgment: "'Unpleasant dreams' is right: I'll never eat hot dogs again!"

Chastity Pariah: I don't know who you are or where you came from but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.
Elvira: Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

Elvira: Bloody Mary.
Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?
Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.

Bob Redding: How's your head?
Elvira: I haven't had any complaints yet.

Chastity Pariah: Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed?
Mr. Clotter: I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.
Elvira: I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.

Cop: Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone?
Elvira: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it.

Elvira: And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.
[Stops to think]
Elvira: Any two, as long as they're simple.
[breaks down crying]

Chastity Pariah: Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore.

1 comment:

Muskeg Harpy said...

I remember watching this as a kid, all that raunch went right over my head. What about the "hunky" guy with the too high n tight pants?