Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Hellbound (1994)

Well yes sirree, I sure have wrangled myself a good one. That's right, here we have a rare and exotic species, endangered even, if only because some wackos have decided to stop giving Chuck Norris money to be in ridiculous action movies. Oh wait, that wacko is his brother! Talk about family strife! No seriously, there's no other way that this movie could have been created besides due to the combined powers (special rings and everything!) of the dastardly Norris brothers. This film also marks a sort of tribute. Yes, sad to say, but Hellbound is one of the last Cannon releases (so last that it's not even listed), and since almost every d-list Chuck Norris movie I have on my shelves erupted from the desperate minds of the dudes over at Cannon, I can honestly say I'm a bit torn up about it. This movie appears to be little known, and it's always sad when you're not the first name up on imdb despite the fact that you are the only exact title match; now that's discrimination. In other news, have you ever heard of a Norris supernatural thriller? And I thought I'd seen it all. But as so many fans seem to comment, it turns out Norris can kick anyone's ass, and that includes the big D, Dadd-io, "hope you've guessed my name," scene-stealing Satan. I guess I never should have doubted him. But no, this movie is seriously out of control. We seem to skyrocket from 12th century demon dinosaurs doing battle with Lionheart lads to early nineties Chicago/Israel where Norris and his partner meet up with only the most helpful of English-speaking street urchins, get the gal, and prepare themselves to do battle with the greatest evil of all time in an effort to save the Universe from the Apocalypse. Dayum, he's good. For me, the most hilarious part is not a grotesquely $1 applique finger-nailed Devil with crazy eyes and body parts that explode into a shower of blue sparks ripping people's clearly propped hearts out while making sure his hair remains tangle-free. No no, it's actually the fact that the film was put together in 91, but not released until 94, and let me tell you, fashion changed more than you'd think in those three few years. It's actually sad how hideous some of these outfits are. Aqua suits with high-neck black t-shirts? Cleopatra dreads? Talk about a second-rate MV wannabe! Oh well; I'm pretty much at the place where I'm not ashamed to say that Norris can do no wrong (at least on the screen [you fucking republican!]). And anytime the battle between good and evil goes beyond terrorism to the Big Bad and the supernatural suckers, I'm a much happier movie-goer. Keep on keeping on.

Final Judgment: "Norris in his most epic outfits fighting his most epic enemy!/The trailer takes me on a mystical journey through the low-budget nineties!/I don't understand what or why just happened, but I understand that I'll never be the same again!/Upon rewinding, our tape attempted to self-destruct!/Chuck Norris, you're my hodunk American hero!"

The best part may just be these extremely exclusive and oddly offensive copyright credits. Oh wait...maybe Israel is getting the better deal here?...Well, if there's a position opening for interstellar copyright law enforcement, sign me the fuck up.

Copyright Holder
© 1993 CANNON PICTURES, INC. and GLOBUS GROUP LTD. (copyright for the entire universe, excluding Israel; on print)

No comments: