Assassins (1995)

It's sad to think that this blog has recently become a deposit for melancholic movies that are forgettable rather than obscurish, but alas, I post again about a regrettable experience. Unlike so many of the shadier selections on my shelf, this filthy film had every reason to be delectable. Starring Antonio Banderas, Sylvester Stallone, and Julianne Moore, the movie was written by the Wachowski brothers (although the script got revamped to take some of the more brutal violence out = unfortunate) and directed by the miraculous Richard Donner who has laid his blessed hand upon some of the most iconic images of 20th century cinema, including, but not limited to: Superman I and II, Lethal Weapon 1-4, Ladyhawke, and, who could forget, The Goonies! That is the most rocking resume I've ever seen! But no, this movie had to be awful. Two hours of useless plot, amateur action, and absolutely no nudity. Boorrring. The only point during which I was even remotely interested was when they showed the cat, and, I'm sorry to say, that's just not good enough. There are like 2 million better action movies than this, and they probably all have Stallone in them, so don't fret. And, as Spencer points out, what good is Banderas without his guitar case?

Final Judgment: "Leave it for the no-brainer late night cable sessions."

Godsend (2004)

Well, there aren't very many movies that, at 102 minutes, feel like they're dragging on. Yes, Nick Hamm, you've done it again (I don't actually know who Hamm is, but since he hasn't directed anything that looks even remotely interesting, I don't really think it matters). The presence of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights during the previews (an excellent look at what's to come), along with a bunch of other awful looking movies that I couldn't even bear to put inside my brain long enough to regurgitate for this post, and the Punisher remake (now that one's totally awesome; it's always a strike or a homer for Lion's Gate) may have given up a few hints, but I was ignoring the obvious. We did make it through this film (unlike another unmentionable this week [don't want to hurt feelings!]), but it was definitely a stretch on my movie-bearing loads. Don't blame DeNiro though...he just thought he was shooting a cameo! They paid him for a week and then stuck his face all over the film and made him main character (no wonder it's slow!). Haha; he totally got hoodwinked! The feature was also fraught with some trouble when their fake film hot line, modeled after the Godsend Agency (in the film, this family loses their son and decides to let this creepy agency clone him and do a graphically gross pregnancy implant [how far can that elbow really go?!]), kept receiving calls from bereaved batties who thought that they could actually have a loved one "resurrected." Wow (are those the McCain voters?...). So, I guess that means that this film is science fiction (with the human cloning and all), and it's definitely part horror (god, that kid is creepy). They get a little vague with the splicing and part evil murderer boy part regular boy, but I guess it's better to play it on the safe (and boring) side. Too bad none of that paid off; the film cost $65 million to make (probably all spent trying to make Romijn look that bad; I mean, how is that even plausible [talk about not using what you're given!]?! Don't worry, I threw in a hottie pic too, to keep the mood up.) and barely grossed $14 million. Whoops. Maybe if they had lost the downers and brought in some action and tits, they could've seen a profit. Will they ever learn?

Final Judgment: "Keep the honey on the couch: this is all-natural birth control!"

Whipping Star (1970)

I just finished reading this brilliantly bizarre Frank Herbert novel (yet another ridiculous writer who has claimed the Pacific NW as their humble home [apparently he considered the area an ecological refuge and based many of Dune novels on these themes]) and thought I would share it with the interverse. Written in 1970 (after Dune), it has all of the classic Herbert genius, including, but not limited to, a craftily generated reality with a series of species, a self-proclaimed canon of quotable literature, and a bunch of totally beyond me philosophical thoughts and exclamations. Damn, he's good. There's also a little diety action, some S&M, a plethora of communication disorders, a star that lives in multiple dimensions, imaginary worlds, and a bunch of crazy creatures with differing sentiencies and abilities. Awesome. Totally Awesome.

Final Judgment: "Utterly satisfying and expectedly mind-blowing."

Cool World (1992)

Yet another movie deemed utterly unwatchable by beastly buffs across the nation (it got a measly 4% on Rotten Tomatoes!), but in actuality, it's totally tubular! Yes, I understand that Ralph Bakshi (Fritz the Cat, Wizards, and Lord of the Rings), is widely considered to be the most awesome adult animator the world has ever seen. And yes, I get that this film may be not be up to the same standards as some of his other work. I also recognize that the script he wrote was hijacked and rewritten by a bunch of Poltergeist and Friday the 13th douche bags (did you know that the original script was for a horror film where a cartoon procreates with a human and their offspring can travel across dimensions?), and that Bakshi not only rejected the final project but decided to end his career in shame and never animate again. It's all true and sad. But I'm not one of those biased babies who can't judge something for it's increasingly independent worth. And I don't know how many people can say that this movie isn't at least a billion times better than the average rom-com hitting theaters every Friday so that over-the-hill couples have somewhere to congregate. No one's calling it the next Roger Rabbit (although I have a sneaking suspicion that the $100+ million dollar success of our interspecially furry and friendly film may have at least given them the idea...too bad this one only pulled in a wimpy $14 mill!), at least anymore, so cool your jets, daddy-o. Just let me list some of the up points: It has Brad Pitt, Gabriel Byrne, and Kim Basinger in it (that's hot). It features a variety of animation styles, with both real world scenes and hallucination-inducing Cool World scenes. From Tex Avery to Doug to Disney, this film is all over the universe! There are bizarre floating heads, gracious graffiti, over-the-top outfits and outrageous occupants, all of whom appear to be obsessed with sex. Yes, I said sex. This whole movie is about sex. I'm pretty sure the plot couldn't exist without sex, especially naughty, forbidden sex. I mean, the female character was originally named Debbie Dallas (you can really see it when she starts talking nasty and rubbing her cooch)! Get it? Debbie Dallas (and then they go and stick her skanky image up with the Hollywood sign). There's actual cartoon-sapien intercourse, although our fucking laserdisc had a stupid scratch in it right at that part (probably some angry mother) and we had to just flip it and move on with our lives (how was the sex? does anyone know?). But seriously: who did they think was going to see this movie? It's way too raunchy for all kids and most adults (even when they're not sexing, the drugs, ciggies, alcohol and violence really sum up the creative spirit), and the presence of animation scares off those few who dare to brave the boning, instead leaving....stoners! This is one for the stoners! But hey, I guess I can't complain. The cooling down from the (literal?) climax of the movie is a joyous scene in which Brad Pitt turns into a cartoon and rejoices as he realizes he is finally able to bone his girlfriend. Sex, Sex, Sex. The best part?: David Bowie wrote the theme song (and it will turn you on!)!

I deem it: "A more psychedelic Heavy Metal with plenty of pussy power!"

The San Francisco Marching, Trotting and Walking Band: The Good Old Days

Well, let me tell you: this is by far and away the gayest marching music I've ever heard. Bells and xylophones and triangles, oh my! Where are the pounding drums and bracing brass arrived to announce impending doom? They even finish some of their songs off with that thing. You know, that thing that all jaunty songs end with and people rap on doors as a special knock (dun da na na na - dun dun)?: that thing. And then there are the song titles: Cowboys and Indians Medley? Gay Nineties Medley? Doo Wacka Doo? Grizzly Bear? Oh, how things have changed. Apparently the entire album is dedicated to some dude's dad who loved said good old days when every beer led to song and you could get all the roast beef and bratwurst you could eat for a quarter. Mmm, good. My favorite descriptive line is when they say: "There were some good tunes written after the Prohibition. He admitted that." Yeah, well why were they all about domestic animals, answer me that? This playlist is pretty familiar, even if the titles aren't. I heard a Union Maid song (gay), a Seeger Old Gray Mare diddy, and a bunch of other whistle-inducing tunes that are inexplicably floating around in my head from some sort of old-people diffusion. Also, there's no denying that the flaming red vinyl (totally gay) is not only fancy, but totally awesome. I only have a couple of colored medias (this is the only marching album...) lying around, but Johnny Mnemonic is certainly my favorite (how could it not be? Sorry marchers, trotters and walkers!). Extra color is always a nice touch (dude...I'm totally tripping...). You can pick up this Fantasy Records (ooh baby) pretty-piece online for anywhere between $5 and $50, or just stop by your grandpappy's (bio or fun-o) place and steal his copy. If you're feeling like you need to acquire a more rainbow friendly music collection, feel free to pick out a few fierce albums to play at home.

Final Judgment: "It's a gay ole time!"

Digital Man (1995)

Well, here's one for the annals. Despite a myriad of semi-recognizable faces, including the always gruff and graceful Adam Baldwin (Firefly), the less popular although always classy Don Swayze (yes, of those Swayzes) and a couple of old dudes who both managed to end up in Not Another Teen Movie (yikes!), poor Digital Man remains well below the reputable-reel obscurity meter. Imdb user comments treat it pretty well with four-fifths of the comments being extremely positive. Then again, there are only 5 comments, and absolutely no useful accompanying data, so I guess we can't exactly call this an underground cult feature. It's pretty good though, if I do say so myself. The sets are awesome and well-lit. The cyborgs ooze and spark appropriately. Things explode constantly, and you can only barely see the edit lines around the CGI space ships. While the dialogue is mostly useless (why does he keep calling that black dude 'doo-rag?' is that offensive to anyone else?) and the soldiers mostly hairless, the hicks give it a more home-town feel with their shotguns, poor grammar and altogether rowdy personas. The amount of gayface, however, is totally unacceptable. We get some titties, always a plus, as well all the bare, greasy, overly muscular chest that one person can deal with. The guns are ridiculous, and look like they were made from spare auto parts, but at least they were constructed. You have to give props (pun intended) to films that actually go about constructing what they need to make a formidable sci-fi feature. And the CGI that is used is mostly tasteful, with a few Tron-like graphics, some virtual ninjas and a few over-the-top Planetary Traveler sequences. Other movies I would cite when describing this nineties ninny are Tremors, Cyborg, Space Truckers, Robocop, Starship Troopers and just a touch of the Ghostbusters (it's all in the lasers). And let's face it, those are awesome films. Written and directed by Phillip J. Roth, a "cyberpunk schlockmeister" and presider over a long history of obscure sci-fi action, Digital Man even works in a few philosophical themes including AI influence and use in society, self-awareness and the mind-set of cyborgs, and still manages to throw in a little human-superiority-over-machines. Supercool. And, I found the trailer.

Final Judgement: "The singularity is near and Digital Man explores the homoerotic consequences; mmm, tasty!"

For a nerdily fantastic guide to awful/awesome sci-fi, check out this site.

The Scorpion King (2002)

Man, for being a completely useless shoot-off of The Mummy franchise, this film certainly did it's fair share of grossage (no, I'm not referring to Dwayne Johnson's tits). You can spend 90 minutes staring at cleavage and greasy bodies wearing animal skins and not have any idea what the plot is, or if they even bothered with one at all. But then again, there are said greasy bodies. The priestess especially is always on the verge of flashing her cooch [at least she's used to it]. Mmm...peanut sauce. And you have to give credit to Michael Clarke Duncan for being the largest Oscar nominee alive. I mean, you could bounce into outer space on that belly! Dayum! There are also lots of weapons: Swords and axes and arrows and giant fists, gunpowder (factuality not required [i mean, did you even think this film could care less about historical accuracy?]), giant sticks, etc. At multiple points during the movie, you may actually think you've teleported to Disneyland. I've never seen such conveniently placed quicksand pits and booby-trapped caves! Also, the requisite bazar scene was probably just found footage from some other movie, it was so stereotypical. Then again, there were harlots. Ahh, the harlots. Just another reason to put more cleavage in the film (the sheer genius!). So much cleavage! It's like reading one of those shitty fantasy romance novels at Top Foods. The kind with the naked dude and dudette on the cover (and she's wearing more clothes), and a giant sword and maybe a hell-beast. Oh wait, I guess I should have read the trivia. Apparently, '"the "Gomorrah Bazaar" sequences were filmed on a re-dressed Spartacus set on the backlot at Universal Studios." Ha. I knew it! Here's some other good trivia:

"More scenes had to be shot due to the movie being around 70 minutes long after being edited [so there wasn't a plot!].

Dwayne Johnson has said that he intentionally shied away from using any trademarks of his WWF character The Rock, in order to give the Scorpion King character a life of its own. The only exception was "The People's Eyebrow," which he does in response to another character's reference to a harem. He said he included the People's Eyebrow to acknowledge the "millions and millions" of Rock fans [that fucking shit has a name? If that's taken, what does he call his dick?].

Vince McMahon is an Executive Producer on the movie only because of the use of the name "The Rock" which he owns [pathetic].

The cave that the Rock and the bandits come out of is the bat cave from Batman [more reused sets! I really just mention this because Batman is so awesome.].

Director Chuck Russell wanted to incorporate a physical feat into the movie which only the Rock could perform. That is why there is a scene where the Rock springs to his feet from a position where he is lying on his back. Director Chuck Russell said that he had never seen a 6'3" man do that [I've also never seen a man as pretty as the Rock (that skin, those eyes, that hair...), but you don't hear me giving interviews about it]."

And of course...."This movie is a prequel of a sequel of a movie that was a re-make of another movie that was made 70 years ago."

Ah The Scorpion King, how worthlessly money-grubbing you are...And, if you didn't think there was anything more desperate... Oh shit! I spoke too soon! That looks way better than the first one!

I deem it: "The most pathetically successful attempt to drain money from the testosterone-frenzied men of the world."

Real Genius (1985)

Well, I keep a rare few comedies on my shelves. I'm not sure what it is. I seem to enjoy the subtler side of life, so maybe searching out irony and humor in the inadvertent gets my throttle up higher than the more blatant busy-bodies. As mentioned, there are a few exceptions. If the movie has animals in it (ie Turner and Hooch), or is deeply dark (Dr. Strangelove), then I am incrementally inclined to enjoy it. But the more flamboyant comedies just never really touch me in the right place. Val Kilmer specialties seem to be beyond this proclamation, because it's hard to deny my love for Top Secret, and I just can't get enough of Real Genius. I mean, this movie is sheer gold. First of all, it's actually based on Caltech, and rowdy references, such as the writing on the steam tunnels, the contest cheat, the DEI initials, and all sorts of other undernoticed uniqueness, directly correlate with real events and places. Secondly, it's directed by a woman. Now, that in and of itself is an interesting accomplishment. I mean, let's face it, there just aren't a whole lot of female film directors (i guess we shouldn't hold it against her that the only other notable thing she's done is Material Girls with the Duff sisters; yikes!)! Woman + nerd movie with video game references, lasers, top-notch one-liners, perverse pranks, 80's college life and intellectuals? It's a dream come true! And Val Kilmer in the 80's is the hottest thing around (unfortunately, looks like that can't last forever [see below]! That hair, that smile, that utter recklessness and tomfoolery! But unlike Top Secret, Real Genius plays on the edge of absurdity, with nothing seeming quite too silly. And, as every intellectual knows, school isn't everything (and suits and ties mean even less!). It's really one of those "had-to-be-there" movies, so just watch it! For some awesome screenshots, check this site out.

I deem it: "The best comedy I've ever seen (and then some)!"

Freejack (1992)

What a surprise: yet another awesome sci-fi movie with a furiously fantastic cast, a "novel concept," a mid-sized budget, a post-apocalyptic premise, poor reception and a string of bad reviews. Let me say it again: what a surprise! You'd think that putting Emilio Estevez, Anthony Hopkins, Rene Russo and Mick Fuckin' Jagger into a film about a futuristic bounty hunt would get people all riled up (in that tingly way). But no, they have to pan it. (whine ensues) "It's not realistic because it's set in post-apocalyptic 2009, way too close to '92..."; "there are too many chase scenes..." "why did they have to build props and sweet vehicles....that's just cheesy..." This one's especially good: "Any almanac should have told a scriptwriter who cared that November 23, 2009 falls on a Monday, not a Thursday." Hey there hoighty toighty! Well, in the words of that terrible culinary reality show Hell's Kitchen: fuck off. I think the futuristic-mobiles are freaking sweet. I love a good post-apocalyptic NYC. The idea of stealing a healthy, pre-pollution/nuclear waste body at it's moment of death in order to shove the shitty soul of some rich dude into it and therefore prolong their undeniably useless existence is not only tubular to the max, but it sounds like something Cheney's been working on in his basement. I rejoice in the reasoning that Estevez looks too healthy for this neo-New York (too repetitive?) and uses his 90's-life working skills of race car driving to avoid trouble as he's constantly chased by a cherry Jagger. Does he even get away in the end? And the acid-trip/I'm in the "spiritual switchboard" where souls are kept after the body dies (but only for 48 hours)/computer network Jesus-land is outrageously awesome. Yes, the movie's a little long. Yes, Mick Jagger talks funny. Yes, Russo is really hot and Hopkins only has a small part. These points are not nearly negative enough to detract from any of the other great things. The film also features fantastically freaky cameos by Jerry Hall (Grissom's masked ex-wife in Batman), Amanda Plummer (the fierce fanatic called Honey Bunny/Yolanda in the practically epic Pulp Fiction), and Frankie Faison, the creepy bay-rat eating prophetic madman who has been in no less than 3 other movies with Anthony Hopkins (the Silence of the Lamb series; and as different characters! I guess he plays 'generic black dude.') and 1 with Rene Russo (Thomas Crown Affair). Now, those are some good eats! Finally, this frightfully frolicking film bears its balls with a friendly R-rating, cited as being a result of violence and cussing (it's no "God damn shit; God damn piss" Circuitry Man though, that's for sure!), although I'm fairly certain that it was the undue viewing of Estevez's underwear and pasty white thighs that pushed it over the edge. Now, if someone just could tell me how the same person named him and his brother... Oh wait! Charlie Sheen's real name is actually Carlos Irwin Estévez! Damn, that's hot. I also threw up some pictures of the comic book based on the movie. Even hotter. And I couldn't find any cool enough pictures of the crazy cars, so I grabbed this climactic clip instead. Hottest!

Final Judgment: "Seriously sweet post-apocalyptic produce."

Switchback (1997)

Another movie that flies under the radar...with a stub of a wikipage, a complete lack of interesting trivia, and a surprisingly A- list cast, Switchback certainly deserves (at least a little) recognition. I guess when there are like 100,000 big studio serial killer movies, it's easy for one to fall to the wayside. I certainly had never heard of this movie before running into it at a local discard-VHS retailer (Rasputin?), but I knew immediately that I would buy it and watch it and then probably post about it. Why? you ask. Well...the action-drama features Dennis Quaid, Danny Glover, and Jared Leto for a start. It also has some succulent sidekicks, including, but not limited to, R. Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) and Ted Levine (Death Train! oh and Monk). There are tons of outdoor scenes, murder, blood and guts, car crashes, train crashes, suspense, confusion, and a cadillac filled with pornographic photo clippings. Sound familiar? That's because this bewildering beauty was written and directed by legend (at least in my head) Jeb Stuart! Now, while Jebbie-webbie has written the screenplays for some of the greatest 80's-90's action films (Leviathon, Die Hard, Another 48 Hours, and The Fugitive), his directing is about as titillating as his hick name. I mean, why did this movie need to be 2 hours long? Can anyone tell me? I actually had to watch it over 2 days because it was just 2 fucking long. And for what purpose? Why couldn't they just make every shot less than 2 seconds like any 2-bit, trusty action film? Or at least kill a lot more people? These are questions that I ask myself every day, or at least every day that I remember that I own this movie. There's not too (aren't you glad I stopped with those douchey numbers?) much more to say about it. It cost only $34 million and still couldn't manage to recoupe half of that. There weren't enough female characters, and no naked ones at all. Also, what happens afterwards? Why do they just end after so much invested time without letting us know any of the cursory consequences? And am I supposed to feel a little suspicious and offended when the only black character is the bad guy? I certainly feel uncomfortable when I watch Live and Let Die (ps. this clip has everything I love: Olympia shout-outs and awesome music!).

I deem it: "A sexless hick parade meets a killing-time-until-the-kids-come-home-from-soccer passion for mothers everywhere."

I'm sorry to say that I couldn't find pictures of that awesome cadillac anywhere. Trust me I looked.