Cops and Robbersons (1994)

I've never even heard of this movie. But while perusing Netflix watch instantly movies, and through a series of "more like these" moments, I ended up selecting this piece of picture for the queue section of my life. I mean, who can resist a movie with both Chevy Chase and Jack Palance?! Okay, Chevy Chase has been in some shit. Or, at least, he's been in enough movies that I can pick and choose between his life's work and still feel like there's a whole wide world of genre out there with his name on it. But Jack Palance. Now he's a sell. That voice. That gruff attitude....Those uncanny facial expressions! Only Jack Palance could smoke a week old cigarette butt and eat a stale fry simultaneously! Only Jack Palance could seem badass while wearing an old man sweater that is just barely passing for not-a-bathrobe! And only Jack Palance could perform facial acrobatics that bring shining lights of glory here from heaven! He's like the Marlboro Man incarnate! And boy is he pissy. The other unsung star in this gem is the plaid shirt. Yes, I said it, the plaid shirt. Here we have the king of the 90's family fun, Jason James Richter, the star of not only the greatest animal trilogy ever released (Free Willy) but also that terrible Neverending Story abomination (III) with Jack Black. And he is wearing the quintessential, must have 90's outfit. That's right, the ripped jeans, dirty sneakers, iron maiden shirt, leather jacket and...dun dun dun...plaid shirt tied around his waist. I mean, what's it doing there? He's already wearing a jacket. Is he going to put it on later? Or is it just for wiping his nose with? Who knows. It was a hot look back then. Add in the slicked back hair, single ear piercing and bad attitude, and you've got a genuine 90's stud. And yes, this is a care free movie. It will make you feel better mostly by making you feel smarter. I mean, even I know that no one will buy a 2 inch diameter hand-rolled cigarette if you're trying to prove that you smoke to a murderous villain. But everyone just goes with it. As should you. Advice to live by: just go with it. = NOT!

Final Judgment: "Classically and comically comatose!/Long live house wives everywhere!/Jack Palance is my hero!

Ps. I got some of these pics from a blog called "Favorite Hunks and Other Things." Nice to know you're going somewhere David Barry Gray!

88 Minutes (2007)

Well, most people didn't seem to enjoy this flick. In fact, it was nominated for no less than 2 Razzie Awards. I'm not really sure why. I thought it was pretty solid. I mean yes, Al Pacino's hair defies gravity. And yes, if he's in Seattle then he must be helping an Asian family pay the monthly rent on their tanning business, because he is definitely not a normal shade of skin. And yes, sometimes he looks like he's falling asleep. But I wasn't falling asleep. I was intrigued. I'm intrigued in the identity of this psychopath. I'm intrigued as to why Pacino only hangs out with young women. I'm less intrigued as to why he's always hugging them. And I'm thoroughly mystified as to the answer to the film riddle. Mystification, albeit an emotion that greets me often, is not most frequently associated with movies in my life. But, here we are with a hodgepodge cast that I recognize from just about everywhere (Leelee, that dude from the OC, some lesbian from Frasier and Judging Amy, scraggle-face from Payback, and Digger!), almost all of them suspects. Although, I mostly suspect men in these sorts of things. I am also experiencing a certain amount of gratitude for the fact that they decided to set this movie in Seattle, even if they filmed most of it in Vancouver. And yes, there's some rain and a mostly blue-gray hue to every scene, but overall, they only vaguely portray us as a depressing and homicidal city. More gratitude arises from the fact there are several lesbian relationships in this. Even a lone nipple flash! In fact, a solid 60% of the this cast was female, a sadly underrepresented statistic. I guess people don't really like mystery-thrillers with lots of women. I don't mind though. I like women.

I deem it: "A satisfying watch-instantly experience!/Pacino's clearly popping pills to stay in the game here, so enjoy him while you can!/Long live the city of blue!

The International (2009)

Well, I have managed to choose yet another slow and boring action movie. How is that even possible? Doesn't that defeat the point of it being an action movie? I picked this one because after watching Shoot 'Em Up, a spicy flick with the lady of the week, Ms. Monica, I convinced myself that any action movie with Clive Owen had potential. Oh well. At least this one had some sweet architecture and widescreen Euro-coast shots. The Germans are suddenly seeming appealing again! Anyway, this movie happened. I was there. I probably won't remember it tomorrow, and I don't really care. I mean, what's up with the fact that they're all fancy Blackberry texting secret info but then they still use that annoying "message arrived" ding and put surveillance bugs in wall-phones? WTF dudes?! We are officially a long way from the 90's. So let's get this shit together! Oh, and the Bank wins.

I deem it: "A half-hearted attempt to rub in the C.R.E.A.M. mantra with a little bit of arms dealing for a kick/Clive Owen, your sexy, beat-up face is not enough to keep me interested...and that is a sad sad thing!"

And who could resist another Monica picture? I held back the nudie pics in case my mom was reading....

Tears of the Sun (2003)

Now, I don't usually say many negative things on this here blog, mostly because I'm fairly tolerant when it comes to shitty movies. But, I just sat through 2 hours of the movie only to find out that the Director's cut is 20 minutes longer. How many more fucking desperate treks through the jungle could he possibly throw in there?! I won't lie, I thought that the presence of two prestigious and attractive actors (aka Bruce Willis and Monica Bellucci) could make this a solid action flick. Boy was I wrong. The only mildly entertaining part of this flick was, like, the 45 seconds of bouncing cleavage gifted by the lovely Miss Bellucci. No, rape tits are definitely not a gift. I like how Mr. Douchbag "Innocuous" (from Raleigh, NC) has a completely different standard of life than I do. Or at least movies. His almost unknowingly dumb comment reads:

"And since when was a movie so horribly, horribly bad because it couldn't be filmed in the actual location? So what if this was filmed somewhere other than Nigeria? And so what if the music was not "authentic Nigerian music"? I don't remember a title card at the beginning of the movies saying it's a National Geographic documentary.

This is a good movie. Less action than many war movies and less thought than some political dramas. "

So what the hell's left?

I deem it: "A pathetic excuse to give Bruce Willis a gun."

Ps. Monica Bellucci is so hot, I had to include more than one picture of her...She's over 40 you know!

Night Shift (1982)

I open this decade with a classic tale of boozing and banging, tits and triumphs. Yes, I am speaking of the one and only Night Shift. Over recent months, people have been bugging me about Ron Howard with some "don't you know who he is" shit that mostly stems from his daughter pushing out the other chick in the Twilight franchise which I'm sure you don't watch. Anyway, this is a Ron Howard movie. And looking at his credits, I see more than one movie sitting on my shelf. But I am also not surprised of my subliminal slamming of Senor Howard, because damn is he a misogynist. We're talking no strong female characters at all (excluding Splash of course). Backdraft? Those Dan Brown pics? Ransom? Apollo 13? Frost/Nixon? Fucking EdTV?? Even Willow is sausage-heavy. Geeze dude, lighten up a little. Or as Gracy-Lou Freebush would say "it's like feminism never even happened!" But what with the obvious sexism in Hollywood, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. On the other hand, the blatant objectification of women in this film is the truly the coupe de grace, cherry on top, shining diamond of success. I mean, without the tits and tacos, where would we be? Michael Keaton appears here in his feature film debut and pulls out all the stops as the quintessential American, engineering idiot. "Take live tuna fish and feed them mayonnaise....." Why stop there? Don't forget the pickles! The film is packed with hilarious bits about getting cumbered, seances, shoeshiner tits, finding assholes with funnels, and all that other typical frat boy stuff that also includes dancing with corpses. Truly the older brother to that other requisite necrofilm, Weekend at Bernie's. And even weirder.....Weekend at Bernie's II (dun dun dun...). First time screen appearances by Kevin Costner and Shannon Doherty as well. Although, I squinted at that screen so frickin' hard, but it's impossible to find Costner without the pause button. Haha. And don't forget the Fonze! I'd like to thank Kenneth Chisholm for this beautiful summary:
"A nebbish of a morgue attendant gets shunted back to the night shift where he is shackled with an obnoxious neophyte partner who dreams of the "one great idea" for success. His life takes a bizarre turn when a prostitute neighbour complains about the loss of her pimp. His partner, upon hearing the situation, suggests that they fill that opening themselves using the morgue at night as their brothel." Hawt.
And for all you nerds out there, a bit of trivia: apparently the use of VisiCalc in this pic is a big deal because some people credit the app as the true motivation behind the personal computer boom (they said it, not me).

Final Judgment: "Dream on all you American entrepeneurs - the path shines bright with jugs and joints, Tarzan costumes and desecration galore!/You're gonna play tennis with God!

How To Make A Monster (2001)

Well, it's always a good thing when the kid's movie you're watching turns out to actually be filled with bouncing boobies and mished-mashed body parts. Isn't it? This was like a video-game, stoner flick from hell. As pleasantly surprised as I was by the addition of nudity, I found myself asking "are they really making that girl jump up and down?" And then there was the terrible technology with 1992 computer graphics and a serious lack of preemptive research. I mean, I may not be a gamer per se, but I certainly know that when the game is less interesting or challenging than your local kiddie maze, not to mention it has to be made for a major company in less than 2 months, that somebody is full of shit. I mean, that giant is programming in his weapon play by swinging around swords with some cables wrapped around his bulges? I don't think so. And half the technology words were completely made up. Question: what does devil-Pikachu have to do with this Evilution? Yes, my friends: the game is called Evilution. It's not often that I come across a movie where the swearing is so bountiful that it makes a tacky movie look even tackier. But with a name like How To Make A Monster I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The fucks make Officer John McClane look like a goddamn angel! It's like they just gave up on having any sort of audience at all. I mean, who are they aiming for? Teenage boys who don't play video games? What TV channel did they even make this for? And, of course the black guy dies first. But then they have to go and meld his head onto some giant white dude's body...And add on metallic jaws, a battle helmet and a couple of pixelated fireballs? That ain't right. I seriously wasn't expecting all the super-nast of oozing body pieces, squelching noises and the general level of corpsification. It really got good at the end though. I think that at one point the chick is having a virtual reality battle against a three dimensional opponent, during a real battle. Yes, mind-boggling. And they certainly up the fear factor waving around that bloody CD-rom. I'm shivering in my boots! What's next, the fright-mongering USB drive? Even better, I think the video game killing somehow gave her creepy blood-lust and monster-groupie tendencies. I'm so confused!

Final Judgment: "Take another hit my friend!/Technology is evil! And bouncy tits are never out of style!"

Fall Literary Review

Although a recent venture into graduate school has left me with less time to enjoy literary satisfaction, I thought I would keep you updated with my forays into fiction. I know, I'm a sci-fi nerd. But I stand by it. I have yet to be more intellectually intrigued by another genre. So judge me if you will. Some day, nerds will rule the world!























Rocannon's World (1966) - Ursula LeGuin
The Net (1987) - Loren MacGregor
Millennium (1983) - John Varley
The Invisible Man (1897) - H.G. Wells
The Songs of Distant Earth (1986) - Arthur C. Clarke
Rainbows End (2006) - Vernor Vinge

Halloween Hootenanny!

Due to some personal issues, I've been away from the land of interweb recently and instead spending time outside while home in WA. But now I return. And I just can't let the previous puppies slide away and miss their chance at a place on my blog. I mean, seriously, some of my favorite movies that are completely obscure and underrated baffle me with their absence from this site. But then I remember that I only repeat a movie watching experience once every two or three years, and their number just hasn't come up in the existence of this dedicated yet undernourished blog of ridiculousness. So don't worry post-Halloween marathon movies, you will gain a short but satisfying place in history. After a delightful party on the 31st, the boy and I decided to laze the Sunday away by working while watching a seemingly endless stream of horror movies that probably would have never made it up the list (I have many more movies than I can ever watch! Awkward, huh?!) if not for this lazy day on the 1st of November. Only two of the four will get half posts here; the others are only calling for documentary notation. But these two were quite acceptable, and, I dare say, memorable. It's always good when you watch two movies back to back that have a scene of a car crashing into a building and exploding. Awesome!!!! Even better, both beauties share misused concepts of population genetics and evolution. So up my alley!!!! Begin.

Wrong Turn (2003) - It should seem fairly obvious that I purchased this film in my less discretionary days. In fact, I never thought I'd watch it. Oddly enough, it turned out to be the most enjoyable film of the day. It's pretty straight-up run and hide, chased by monsters in the woods horror. The only even recognizable actor is Eliza Dushku, and you have to be a pretty serious Whedon fan to buy a movie based on her star power. But, what can I say? My favorite thing about Eliza is that she has absolutely zero hips. I mean, she's totally hot, but she's built like a bookshelf. So, the editors spend the entire movie just trying to avoid showing her full body in straight-on shots. It's like a little game! Well, at least she isn't wearing that terrible workout outfit. If you only have one costume in a film, why make it an absurdly ugly one? Answer me that. Overall, the violence is good and gory yet tasteful. The nervous factor is a sweet medium. Chick power is way up. Oh, and there are inbred mutant cannibal hick zombies. All in all, this flick is just what was ordered.
I deem it: "Sick yet satisfying!/Predictable yet still surprising!/A sure sign the Dushku can kick the ugliest of asses!"

The Forsaken (2001) - Ha, this movie has even less star power. It's sad, because there were only two things that made me buy this movie, and they wouldn't have been strong enough alone. But together, somehow, the garish teenage vampire thing combined with that actor who played in a single Alias episode was enough to cause me throw down a solid 1 dollar on this VHS cassette tape. And it was worth it. You can tell a lot about a movie by the credits. For example, this clearly turn of the millennium piece put the opening title over a pair of succulent tits. Yes, tits under the credits. And then again later. All in all, no less than 4 chicks show their melons in this melancholic, MTV sponsored, anti-MTV flick clearly filmed for those lost souls who feel helpless in society but yet just can't get off their couch and do anything about it. A common dilemma unfortunately, especially among middle class, white males who live with their relatives long after is wise. Cough Cough. Well, this film is definitely trying to be hip. If the drug scene vamp-vision didn't give it away, the man with a capuchin and a popsicle certainly did. My favorite part was the rapid-fire monologue made by the main hunter who is supposed to represent some illegitimate bastard child of society while being played by a blond who lives in LA. Ah, the irony. Nick: We are fucked. Take a look at the world we inherited. We're a bunch of fast-food munching MTV freaks humping the great American Dream. The generation before us sold their innocence for 200 digitally enhanced satellite stations, and it's been downhill ever since. They had Mickey Mouse, Easy Rider and The Beatles. Alright? We got South Park, The Blair Bitch and Ricky Martin. Alright? They had "Be here now!". We got "Shit Happens!". If that doesn't put thinks in perspective, i dunno what does. I mean, we're just Microsoft Neanderthals addicted to surfing netland, still shitting in our nests. And every time i think about giving a rat's ass, i picture Monica making millions from sucking Bill's little red rooster. Just rockets me right back into reality.
Preach it, sister!

I deem it: "Meant for boys who are freaked out and frustrated by David Lynch but still want to feel cool and masochistic!/Vamps and Vapid Vag'es, a perfect combination!/Stop whining and shoot things!

Honorable Mentions:

The Grudge (2004) - SMG, this shit is pretty bad

Pet Sematary (1989) - Classic yet still confusing and creepy. Children killers freak me out! And why do those goddamn trucks drive so fast? Thank god for mystical, magical Native Americans - oh wait, i guess their magic is evil; kill them all! YES!!!