Tuesday, November 11, 2008

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

Destined for cult status is the way of this frivolous yet flavorless film. I mean, it seems almost unreal that such a vigorously star-studded cast (were they in it for the money, or had they just not done their homework?) including: Burt Reynolds, Matthew Lillard, Jason Statham, Claire Forlani, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, Kristanna Loken (of Bloodrayne and T3 fame), Ray Liotta and John Rhys-Davies (Arturo!) could be so uninteresting. Bad dialogue, yes. But completely useless and unnecessary dialogue? I wasn't expecting that. If I had looked at the cover (or not been watching an "illegally" obtained copy), I may have noticed that, like Bloodrayne, this movie was directed by the clearly infamous Uwe Boll. Heralded as a sort of new-age Ed Wood, he is brutally bludgeoned by critics after the release of every one of his features, and this is certainly no exception. I actually think it's worse than Bloodrayne, primarily because it features dirty men fighting mutant beasts that look like deformed ninja turtles instead of pussy galore. It's just fight scene after fight scene after fight scene. Who even cares? I'm not rooting for any of the characters; I hope they all die! Why give Leelee and Arturo awesome magical powers if they're not even allowed to use them? What is with the tree people? Who let Lillard onto this set and let him drink himself into a stupor? Who in god's name thought that using recycled costumes from TMNT would ever look good? Why won't Spencer agree with me when I say that Ray Liotta is infinitely more ugly than Ron Perlman? And why oh why did anyone think this was the best use of their
money and/or brain-power? It's definitely enough to make you consider the possibility that he did this on purpose; that it's just too bad to not be intentional; that someone somewhere is laughing their ass off that we are even flirting with the idea that this was a serious venture.....right? It didn't make any money (but it could be a long term plan that has yet to come to fruition...) and Uwe Boll said he would never take on a big money picture again (because there aren't enough weirdos willing to pay for this debacle to make back the initial investment...right?), but it could still be joke. Don't be suprised by its delicately CGIed packaging. One commenter calls it "laughable tripe," and I think that about sums it up. This website is pretty laughable too. Even better, the Wikipedia article on the movie ends with the sentence: "Like most Uwe Boll movies, it is now included in many lists of the worst films of all time." Oh Uwe. Bound for destiny.

Final Judgment: "Trust me, it's all part of the plan/The biggest trick since Monica."

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