Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Split Second (1992)

Gary Scott Thompson, I salute you. With your long list of writing credits for bodaciously brilliant B-list movies (including Hollowman (2000), 2 Fast 2 Furious, Time Cop: Berlin Decision [is it sad that I own this?] and soon to be gracing us with its beautiful Diesel filled sweet jelly of a presence, Fast and the Furious (2009) .), you have no doubt inspired weird college kids the world over. Split Second can also be counted among your numerous accomplishments, my dear dear Thompson. Although, Rutger Hauer certainly deserves credit for making this movie watchable. Hauer's been in like ten million movies in his lifetime (including Sin City, Batman Begins and The Tenth Kingdom), and approximately half of them are super sketchy and totally terrifying (Minotaur, Dracula III: Legacy, Warrior Angels, Flying Virus, Jungle Juice....I could go on, but I'm starting to give myself chills). This is a proud addition to his host of low-budget cult (?) features. At a mere $7 million dollars, they managed to create a fine feature with an even finer feature creature, otherwise known as some sort of heart-eating rat-human mutant hybrid with ferocious fangs and cunty claws. On the other side of good and evil lies a disgruntled cop living solely off of coffee, ciggies and candy bars, who, along with his goody-two-shoes, occult specialist, Oxford educated partner turned totally bizarro batshit crazy the minute he sees the monster and then continually chants a mantra (WE NEED TO GET BIG FUCKING GUNS) until he has flash grenades and 50 lb automatic weapons in his hands, attempts to decimate this seemingly sentient being (I think they explain it by the monster getting a taste and wanting more...but then again he can draw symbols of Scorpio; was he a man before?; he was quite possibly a man before...Hauer's partner?; the one who's wife he was fucking [god damn Kim Cattrall with an awful hair style {but you totally get to see her titties! As well as some S&M style tatas for those of you into the freaky deaky stuff!}]?). And how do they go about justifying such a menacing mutant roaming the streets? Well, the year is a terrible 2008 and global warming has led to environment shifts, such as torrential rains and blackened skies, that have turned London in the future primordial ooze of disasterous and dastardly diseases. Hauer's attitude (as Stone) about the whole thing, as well as a general feel for the film, can be acquired from the following clip:

"Captain: Are you telling me there's something running around loose in the city, ripping out people's hearts and eating them so he can take their souls back to hell?
Dick Durkin: Looks that way.
Stone: Hallelujah."

As always, Hauer knows best.
Also featured is a soundtrack from Francis Haines (Night of the Living Dead) and an unused score from Wendy Carlos.

Final Judgment: "Halleleuh, Hauer's here to save the day!/He'll rip your heart out, make you pay!

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