Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Road to Wellville (1994)

Man, this movie is awwwkwward. Seriously. First of all, it's awkward that it had such an amazing cast (Matthew Broderick, Anthony Hopkins, Bridget Fonda, John Cusack and Dana Carvey) and crew (directed by Alan Parker who has also graced the world with Evita, Midnight Express, and Pink Floyd the Wall) and yet did so terribly in the box office (only $6.5 million! what, did they even let it into the theaters? oh wait....). It's also awkward because of its subject matter (albeit based on a true story), a matter which inevitably led to its panning by critics: shit, sex and cereal. If two of those three things don't sincerealy interest you, this may not be the movie for you. I have never heard so many references to scat nor seen so many pasty old man asses in my life. The same goes for the enema talk, testicle electrocution, sex with green people, and, of course, womb massages. All of these things and more (like cereal!) can be found in great abundance. There are also several pairs of tits [including some massive floaters from that "Practice" chick!]; clearly they were not going for general public acceptance. And you have to give them credit, right? I mean, how often does the movie industry take on a subject that absolutely no one wants to talk about (that being the health movement at the turn of the century [led by Mr. Kellogg himself] where sex, meat and masturbation were considered evil [man, the "proof" they show in this flick is outrageous] and 5 enemas a day was merely "satisfactory.")? Well, if this was some sort of tricky plan to collect money from vegetarians, fecal-philiacs or Cusack stalkers, they should have done their monetary research, because this one is a box office stinker! On the other hand, I find it genuinely hysterical. Everything from the boy-child rebellion to the absolutely taboo meaningless gratification (among other things). Also, Anthony Hopkins is so good, it's the stuff nightmares are made of! See below for a host of delightfully disgusting (and often defecation related) lines from the film. And, be sure to enjoy the oh-so-sanitary trailer.

I deem it: "Outrageously absurd and sure to make even your most raging hippie friends uncomfortable!/i.e. Sex and scat, my favorite combination!

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: An erection is a flagpole on your grave.

Interviewer: Sir, how often should one evacuate one's bowels?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: One should never, ever, interrupt one's desire to defecate. I have inquired at the Bronx and London Zoos as to the daily bowel evacuations of primates. It is not once, twice, or three times, sir, but four. At the end of an average day, their cages are filled with a veritable mountain of natural health.

Charles Ossining: With friends like you, who needs enemas?

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: My own stools, Sir, are gigantic and have no more odor than a hot biscuit.

William Lightbody: You were masturbating!
Dr. Lionel Badger: I was not! I was massaging my colon!
William Lightbody: Massaging your colon! I know where the colon is and it doesn't stick up in the air!

Eleanor Lightbody: I wanted to be more than a hole in the mattress that answers to a name.

William Lightbody: Oh, no, no, I can't eat fifteen gallons of yoghurt.
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: Oh, it's not going in that end, Mr. Lightbody.

Uncomfortable yet?
I found some of these still frames on a site called "bearotic" with the tag "chubby_fur." Gross!

1 comment:

Mike J said...

How have I never seen this gem before?