Friday, February 27, 2009

Tall Tale (1995)

I don't know what the fuck happens in this movie. Some of it is quasi-dream state, some of it is vague, and some of it is just swashbuckling nonsense. What I do know is that it has two of the most glorious white males still currently in existence. Yes, Swayze and Platt. I think Swayze might actually be a little bit offended to be placed in the same category as Platt, and to be fair, Swayze does rock some pretty awesome stache in Tall Tale, but in the end, Platt is the buffoon. And everyone knows that it's not a family friendly adventure movie without the buffoon! I kept asking myself why anybody is casting Oliver Platt in these aggressive/to-be-feared roles (including Ready to Rumble), but it turns out he's like 6'3" or some ridiculousness. Full of surprises! Well, other than the completely awesome male protagonists (sorry Swayze), there's not much else going on in this movie besides that crazy blue ox that shows up in a couple of scenes (how did they do that?). That is, unless you count the shiny and shirtless John Henry who almost made me cry when he lost to that electric stake driver. Oh the woes of technology! I can totally feel for him. In fact, I love a good ecological word-to-the-wise film (I've been on a Captain Planet binge as well....) and with the techno freaks trying to push out the farmers, Platt moaning about how no one actually cuts down trees with a good ole-fashioned axe anymore and Swayze just twirling that sweet sweet stache, I could really feel a burning passion of some sort rising up. What kind of passion? TBD I guess. So that just leaves me with an absurdly priced film, $32 million to be exact, that could barely rake in a third of that worldwide. Oh well, I guess Disney can't win every time (blasphemy!)

Final Judgment: "This reminds me of those weird big-boxed VHS I find every now and again about families living in trees and talking computers in sneakers or whatever: totally obscure, bound to be lost, and destined to be loved (or is that the facial hair talking?)."

And I've posted the best quotes below:

Daniel Hackett: Pa, Pecos Bill ain't real.
Jonas Hackett: He's out there... where there's still enough elbow room for a man to wander. He's out there... where the land is still young and wild. You don't believe me? I swear to you by the code of the West, Pecos Bill is as real as you and me. Now, you know the Code of the West don't you?
Daniel Hackett: Yeah, Pa, I know.
Jonas Hackett: Respect the land, defend the defenseless and don't never spit in front of women and children.

Daniel Hackett: Who are you?
Pecos Bill: I'm a ring-tailed roarer. I can draw faster, shoot straighter, ride harder and drink longer than any man alive. I ride cyclones and I wrestle...
Daniel Hackett: You got a name, don't you?
Pecos Bill: I'm getting' to that. I'm the rip-snortinest cowboy that ever rode north, south, east or west of the Rio Grande. I'm Pecos Bill.

Pecos Bill: Not as hot as the summer of '88 when the chickens laid fried eggs and the babies cried sawdust.
Paul Bunyan: Does this story have a point or does it go on and on and on like this stinkin' desert?

And my personal favorite....
Pecos Bill: "You sure know a lot for a half-grown piglet."

Words to the wise my friends...

Oh shit! This site is flippin' crazy! Cuck-oo....

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