Friday, March 20, 2009

The Accidental Spy (2001)

Oh, Jackie Chan, are you living on some plane above us mere mortals or does your glory shine that bright? It seems indisputable that Jackie Chan has brilliantly mastered the action-comedy genre. And he's actually talented! It's a miracle! The best thing about his movies is that he attempts new stunts with new props all the time. It never gets old, and I'm always impressed. I mean, come on; it's not very often that you watch a movie and think, 'man, I could never do that!'. No, no; it's always, 'why are they getting paid for this?' At least on my couch. And while this movie cost an astonishing 200,000,000 HKD ($25 mill by our banks; tricked you with all those zeros, huh?), it was worth every penny. Like most Chan movies, the plot was barely relevant; something about addictive drugs and a fitness store or something. I was pretty confused because there were two different women who both looked like 10 year old girls, and I wasn't paying enough attention to distinguish them from each other. The loss was minimal though, let me tell you. Jackie's stunts are universal! In fact, this movie was like one of those pornos you buy on a street market in Ecuador (cough cough); the cover pictures are completely random and have little to nothing to do with the actual film (choke choke), but in the end, you still know exactly what you're getting. This holds true for The Accidental Spy primarily because I was under the delusion that it was something similar to The Tuxedo. These initial impressions came from the flashy font with exclamation marks and the blonde bimbo on Jackie's hip. No, there was no blonde in the movie, none at all. So what the fuck is that chick doing on the cover? They were totally trying to trick people into watching it, since it was never even released in the US and the whole thing is dubbed and crazy and confusing. And it worked. I pulled it away from the dozens of other Hong Kong movies with Jackie Chan in them, and I watched it. And blondie or no, it was totally awesome. Speaking of porn, the big budget on this sucker must have partially been to pay Chan to strip down, thoroughly tarnishing his family-friendly image. Yes, folks, you can see Jackie Chan's Junk. Jackie's Junk right this way. Okay, it's not technically full frontal. But let me tell you, doing round kicks with only a fruit basket to cover up can reveal many things about a person. And his ass was dual-toned due to a dose of Turkish spices! Oh, the Turkish bath scenes, how many homoerotic action sequences you have blissfully blessed. All the other action scenes were excellent as well. If you want some sort of action rundown (no spoilers, I swear), you can watch this quasi seizure-inducing music video with none other than Chan the Man taking the top harmony. Yes folks, Jackie's always on top.

Final Judgment: "Traditional yet original+ safe yet scandalous + Jackie with his pants off = Everything you could ever ask for/Chan the Man delivers yet again/Family-friendly humor in the form of acrobatics; And you can talk over it!

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