Dragonworld (1979)

Well, I do not know if it was my psychic powers or your telepathic ones, but the name of this book I have been so long searching for came to me in a dream the other day. Daydream or night dream, I couldn't say. It's a pretty easy title, so I guess the skeptics may be more...skeptical. But there are also a shit-ton of books about dragons out there, so I shall remain inspired none-the-less. And it's not quite a million pages or 1300 pages or whatever I thought before. But at just under 600, you can understand my confusion, right? I mean, let's face it. Everything was bigger back then. It does include 80 pages of hand-drawn illustrations which is just awesome.
Now, I just need to procure it somehow.....
Psychic thoughts?

Reign of Fire (2002)

Damn, this movie is smokin'! And I don't just mean because it stars Christian Bale, Gerard Butler and Matthew McConaughey with a big fat cigar in his mouth. No, it's because the dragons are burning the world to smithereens! This probably won't come as a surprise, but I like movies with dragons in them. I like dragons in general. As a child, I read a substantial quantity of dragon-based books, one of which I am still searching for in my current sub-adult stage. It was awesome and like 1300 pages and there were hand-drawn beautiful illustrations and this kid leaves his village and goes to live in this awesome dragon community. So if you think you know what I'm talking about, just give me a shout. Anyway, back to this hunk-studded film. It's pretty amusing. I actually looked up the bio of the director because of his portrayal of McConadouche as this bad-ass, huge, gruff American with terrible grammar and a smoking problem. Compared to the calm and sensitive Brits, I was undecided as to whether the director was mocking Americans with this ridiculously alpha male character. Lo and behold, the director's from Texas. So I guess that explains that. One of my favorite parts about this fine feature is the fact that it combines dragons with a post-apocalyptic future, both topics that I deem intriguing and awesome. And the CGI is not too terrible at all. They explore the scientific world of dragons include sexual dimorphism and plausible fire breathing techniques derived from the study of the spitting cobra and the bombardier beetle. The movie also delves into topics like the politics of small communities, adoption, the practical methods of taking down a giant flying beast, and the comedic reprieve of acting out a classic Star Wars scene. And who says sci-fi/fantasy is useless drivel? Well, there are a lot of impractical parts of the film as well, most of which the critics can't bear not pointing out (oh yeah, double negative): 'Where do they get their fuel? Why don't the children look like they're actually starving to death? Why isn't this movie about dragons hibernating until the 21st century and then reemerging to completely obliterate human society more accurate?' Whatever dude. Live a little. Forging onward...the movie cost about $95 million to make (hence the decent CGI), which I guess it's cool since it made a paltry $43 mill during its theater run. I guess we can only hope that DVD sales were good (can we blame it on 9/11 or the financial crisis? maybe seeing the cities burn wasn't a big turn on in July, 2002.) To it's credit, Reign of Fire was filmed almost entirely in Ireland. There are also rocket launchers, helicopters, paratroopers, ridiculous stunts, Izabella Scorupco (of Goldeneye computer nerd fame), lots of fire and dragons and a good 101 minutes of (literally) smoldering men. That's hawt (too used?). Oh, and the humans win. Hope I didn't spoil it!

Final Judgment: "Scorching and scientific?: It's too good to be true (ohh, that's why Godzilla with Broderick was such a bust...)!!"


PS. I totally recommend reading these "Ruthless Ratings." Ha, weather. That's good.

Just because I can....

...I thought I'd throw in this classic clip featuring a few of my favorite fairy tales.

Twin Musical Tesla Coils Playing Mario Bros.

Ahh, the glory.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Well, after being assaulted by the words of hamster_douche so few days ago, I was under the sinking impression that people commonly harbor disdain for this epic piece that so prominently dominates my childhood. That backberend lordswike is not worth a bordar's spittle! Thus, I was pleasantly surprised to see the generally positive comments residing on imdb. In fact, I even agree with the majority of the points provided. Yes, it's nice to see a prominent black character who can kick your ass and doesn't just get killed off for dramatic effect. Yes, the costumes are awesome; it's so refreshing to see something that not only appears to be thought out, but spread out. It's like the studio finally realized that, not only does it look better to actually recreate the literal ambience, but it's a lot easier to film on location and have open space for horses, and to generally use a beautiful place to make a beautiful movie. There are a couple of castles, lots of gorgeous greenery, a town square, a dungeon, a church, a witch's den and that super awesome village in the trees (reminiscent of a miraculous movie of foragers set to star Costner and come out in '95? Oh wait, it's the same director! No wonder both of those movies are so awesome!). They even hum actual Medieval tunes; accurate and there's no copyright to deal with! I don't know what it was like in Medieval times, but I while watching this gem, I don't even have to doubt their retelling because the costumes seem so plausible and layered (costumes are the primary bring-me-down from the suspension of disbelief high). I also don't doubt that having such a ridiculously super-cool cast makes the movie that much better. I mean, Morgan Freeman's facial tattoos and freaky scimitar are totally awesome. Throwing Sean Connery in at the end is classic and a joke all at the same time. Yes, Christian Slater is whiny and annoying, but so is his character, so it works out perfectly. Alan Rickman is the greasy individual to play such a creepy character (when he tells that girl not to cover herself....ugh). And let's face it: Robin Hood has never looked as good as with that 90's feathered, shoulder-length, awe-inducing hairstyle. Ohh how the middle aged women are touching themselves. Costner sure has a way with the middles (aged and ages). Delightful. Also, retired former head of the British Board of Film Classification James Ferman said that passing this movie as a PG was his only regret over his time in office. That means, despite the rating, you get some swearing, some nudity, lots of creepiness (molestation included), and some seriously sick violence. Hawt. I guess I should have known that I wasn't the only one to appreciate this "time-piece" (Spencer hates it when I call it that. Ha.) since it recouped its $50 million budget 3-fold, and that's just in theaters. And it was nominated for an Oscar (oh wait, that was just for the original song; what is it with Bryan Adams and all these fruity Medieval tracks he sings?). Damn, Kevin Costner used to be so hot (he was good for the industry I mean). Now what has he done? It's always these stupid actors who are like "I'm so ashamed I was in this awesome movie like Waterworld" and then what do they go and make?: Fucking Swing Vote. Now, that's pathetic.

I deem it: "Panty jelly for every generation!; An uryn to the uncunning!; Superbly satisfying!"


Oh, and this is totally tubular:

Alastair MacLean's Death Train (1993)

I actually own this movie by the name of The Detonator, which sounds classier and (seemingly) deliberately hides the fact that most of this movie revolves around a train. Now, while this move (centering the plot of a movie entirely around a large transportation vehicle) has certainly worked for Keanu, it can easily get a little bit old. I guess that's why they decided to spice up this flick with a couple of rocket launchers, some nukes and, of course, the requisite sexism. Final consensus seems to be that this is a top-notch made-for-TV movie. While it's not hard to see the limits of that statement, I have to agree. This movie is not bad, not bad at all. On the other hand, it's certainly not good. In fact, the only thing saving it is the impressive (B) cast list, including Patrick Stewart, Pierce Brosnan, Christopher Lee (Saruman), Ted Levine, and Alexandra Paul, who (unbeknownst to me) made her fame in one of those epic red one pieces as a standard on Baywatch. However, her presence here is certainly limited since she keeps her clothes on. That and she's just a little butch for my taste. What a waste. The entire movie is spent with Pierce insulting her talents because she's a woman and Alexandra consequently acquiring a larger and larger arsenal with which to decimate the male opposition. She's in control of all the violence, so Pierce is essentially a useless piece of man-meat. And while they try to emphasize his soft side (he doesn't run over a rabbit during a motorcycle race ["there's only one type of bunny I'll stop for!" jeers his competitor]), it's hard to trust anyone with a shitstache. The movie is actually summarized best by the clearly anticlimatic ending during which they are unable to shut off the second nuke only to find that it was a purposely designed as a dud by the now deceased German scientist who was paid to build it (I just wanted to see if I could do it...). Good thing we have those trusty/softie German scientists to rely on! Lord knows, the U.S. of A. wouldn't be where it is without them! Anyway, about the only thing worth noting about this film (and it's not the fact that they made a sequel which I, [unfortunately?] own) is that it's filmed principally in Slovenia and Croatia (where else could they rent and destroy a large train while filming from the heavens?) which means that it's not only shot on location, but it's all handmade special effects. Otherwise, it's mostly forgettable. In fact, I can't even really post any more about it because I don't remember what happened. And in this case, I don't think that's a good thing. Sadly enough, it shares its name with several other films and some real life Romanian tragedies. Bonus points for the awesome cover art and the blatant James Bond rip-off. And you gotta love that the director sticks to what he knows!

Final Judgment: "A dreary action piece never meant for anything besides Thursday night USA filler material."

Legally Blonde (2001)

Don't worry: this will not be a full post. I just happened to be watching this on TV the other day, (another don't worry: I don't own it) and I realized that I needed to make a very important shout out. Did you know that none other than the glorious and glamorous Francesca Roberts is in this film?!! For those of you not caught up on your classic cinema, she's the delectable and delicious Big Bertha of SMB! Big-chested and dressed to the T in red pleather and spring-loaded boots, Francesca dances the cahones off of Bob Hoskins in that epic feature I so recently posted about. She plays the judge in this frolicking film. Ohh the Verse!! So infinite and yet filled with intricate coincidences? Now if only there were more pictures....

Final Judgment: "Maybe there is a God!"

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Well, let's face it. I basically started this blog just so I could post on this movie. I've been putting it off because I don't know how to translate the sheer glory of this cinematic masterpiece into mere words. While I am not (completely) alone in my assessment of this creation as one of the best entertainment movies ever made, there are certainly hordes and mobs who are not quite as happy. No, SMB (as the nerds call it) doesn't really have anything to do with the game. The same characters appear, in various forms, formats or stages of evolution and you see a few of the key mario ingredients (It's a bo-bomb!), but there's no Mushroom Kingdom, Daisy doesn't wear a dress, oh and they added in that whole plot thing (wuuuuut?). Instead, the stimulating studio concocted this absolutely brilliant scheme where there's a whole parallel Earth to which dinosaurs were banned and left to evolve into intelligent life forms after a meteor hit the Earth. But get this, their Earth is shitty and all that's left is this post-apocalyptic Dinohattan (think the Escape's but with reptile based humans) that the king ('played' by Lance Henriksen), who has devolved into fungus, is slowly consuming. And that's why King Koopa (masterfully managed by the one and only Dennis Hopper) wants to cross the portal. Bring in Daisy, an in-the-dark dino princess who meets up with Mario Bros., the infamous plumbers played by the classically cool Bob Hoskins John Leguizamo (and damn is Mario's girlfriend way too hot for him!) while doing what of all things?: why digging up dinosaur bones of course! For me, there are a couple of crucial components to the overall success of this gem. First of all, it's in the details. Koopa's hair, the cars, the evolution machine, Toad's haircut, the politics of it all, the movie theaters, the totally awesome theme song, the kitsch phrases (filthy mammals!), the props, the characters, the original use of the secret ingredient, and, of course, the sets and costumes! While Hoskins and Leguizamo both admit that they thought the movie was so terrible that they were intoxicated for the majority of it, there's no denying the genius composed realism of a cast and studio that attempts to create something both monumental and ridiculous without taking themselves or anyone else seriously. In fact, they describe it best themselves, stating that, "one of the biggest reasons the movie turned out the way it did was because the directors wanted a more "adult" movie while the studio, considering the source material, was looking for a children's film." And there you have it. Based on my recent research, that is the crucial element for a successful live-action sci-fi/fantasy. In fact, that's what we all need in life: a significant chunk of adolescence to carry us through the reality of adulthood. In my opinion, anyone who takes themselves too seriously is just a big fucking joke. Look around! Look at this Universe and our pitiful 100,000 year existence (only 10k of which actually counts as 'history')! There is no greater meaning and United States society is a pathetic attempt to impose significance into fictional literature and fictional paper products with only a focus on the last 200 years and the next ten. Fuck you dudes! Ah money, the only greenery I hate as well as love. Anyfucker, Super Mario Bros. is the best movie sitting on my shelf, and that's saying a lot. Some douchebag on imdb comments (I'm watching you fucking Hamster_Factor) has actually confirmed both my fielding of a love for this film and my belief that almost everyone is an idiot. The little dickcheese says (and I quote, incorrect grammer included), "I was 9 or 10 whenever this film came out and now that I look back in retrospect, I realise just how stupid I was. The problem with being a child is that you rarely, if ever, know anything, and so - because of that disability, you end up going to see films like like this, 'Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves', 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' to name but a few stinkers I was subjected to when I was a young boy. When you're small, seeing Elias Koteas hitting angry Chinese people with golf-clubs is the highlight of your existence, seeing Bob Hoskins kill dinosaurs while dressed as an early incarnation of Bob the Builder was the greatest thing on the planet, but then you grow up and realise that most of your childhood was a precursor to adult misanthropy." Well said. And ironic since a) TMNT is one of the other best live-action adult/children movies ever made and because b) I'm going to post on Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves in a little while. These same movies graced by childhood. But unlike hamster-douche, I actually appreciate them more with age because I can recognize the significance of something deemed so inappropriate by society and yet so gloriously interpretative of human imaginative potential. Also, I love the lack of CGI. Yes for actually building the goddamn set! Yes! Yes! Yes!
I've attempted to put in as many pictures as is humanely possible, and I've also found a couple of sweet sites. This site has tons of screen shots, and this site is weird and amusing. And what's the best part about all of this (or strangest or most depressing)?: as with all things great, SMB is completely obscure and underrated.

Final Judgment: "Long live Big Bertha, the bouncer at the Boom Boom Bar!

Also.....awesomeness!!!

The Omega Code (1999)

Well, it's obvious why I bought this movie. It has Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers), Michael Ironside (the King of C-list sci-fi) and Michael York (Logan's Run) in it, a shiny cover, a religious supernatural thriller plot summary and a sweet title. I did get a little bit suspicious when I saw that it was distributed by GoodTimes Home Video, but thinking little to nothing of it, I confidently purchased the VHS. A couple of bad previews from Gener8Xion Entertainment and a public service, 'use the crosswalk,' ad later, and I wasn't so sure about my previously acquired video. Once the movie actually started, it didn't take long for me to dial up imdb and confirm that this was, in reality, written by a televangelist and released for the religious community. Damn, how did they get roped into this? Probably the exact same way I did. If they had told us that the book it's based on was actually called "The Bible Code," maybe York and I would have ditched this project (Ironside will do anything, and he's worked with Van Dien before; and Van Dien is Casper the 6th and therefore has a religious background [conservatives...]). What really gives it away is the main character's pathetic attempt to argue against the existence of God. Only the believers use the argument that "I don't believe in God because something bad happened to me and if bad things happen then God can't exist," because they know precisely that they can refute it. It's the most ridiculously useless way of not believing in God. The whole movie is pretty pathetic actually. They (the Christians) use abstract and wholly unbelievable phrases and events, in effect mimicking and drawing attention to the absurdity of whole sections of the Bible. I mean, why do they believe in that historic piece of fiction? We're taught not even to believe the history books, so why would we believe in something whose validity has only been passed down through generations of tradition? Especially when people are so useless and gullible and idiotic? WTF? I digress. Another fascinating fixation is that many viewers describe the film as being "a James Bond film without any of the immoral parts," so I guess all that violence and killing was not upsetting to them (don't worry, they work for the Antichrist so it's to be expected). Only in America is god-given nudity considered immoral while bombings and automatic weapons are just 'run of the mill' (wait...maybe not). So that's a downer: no tits. But lots of killing. Also, the Antichrist becomes "The Chancellor of the United World," by following clues hidden in a 3 dimensional version of the Torah while freaky old dudes claim that "there is a war going on between angels of light and dark." Basically, good vs. evil where only God is good and evil is always in bed with Satan. And then the protagonist accepts Jesus as his lord and saviour just in time for God to send out some nuclear pulse of goodness that destroys a CGI Satan/demon and saves the world. Many people seem to love it because "in the end God wins and the movie ends with hope rather than despair." And as some intelligent lady on imdb states, all that and "this movie just happens to be based on a true story." Yikes! Other imdb lovers alternately hate it or love it, most likely based on their religious orientation. There are some good vision scenes, and Ironside wears Hasidic facial hair. And it's filmed in Jerusalem and Rome, a definite plus. Believe it or not, the film actually did astonishingly well, making more money per screen on its opening weekend than Fight Club which came out the same season. Double Yikes! And because three's a charm, I found this "awesome" website that talks about the movie, shows stills, and helps you learn how accept Jesus into your heart. The arguments they present are just as convincing as the ones in the movie, that's for sure. Oh, and they made a sequel.

Final Judgment: "More an anthropological atrocity than a supernatural sizzler (I mean, can you believe this shit?); or The DaVinci Code meets VeggieTales. "

"BUT HOW CAN WE KNOW JESUS IS LORD?
The same Bible that prophesied so many other events with such accuracy has recorded over 300 prophesies about a Messiah who would be God in the flesh, come to redeem the world. All these prophesies were fulfilled in the life of Jesus: from his lineage, place of birth, and miraculous conception, to his divine ministry, betrayal, and most importantly his crucifixion and resurrection three days later.

The odds of one person coincidentally fulfilling just eight of these 300 prophesies has been figured as one in ten to the seventeenth power. These are the same odds as spreading silver dollars two feet deep across the state of Texas, then marking just one of them, burying it somewhere in the state and blindfolding someone and having him pick the marked coin on his very first try!"

Whoa. I'm definitely convinced.
And for a second, more political, verdict:
I deem it: "Quite an insight into the delusional thinking that runs our country."

The Covenant (2006)

Oh Renny Harlin, I knew I couldn't go long without crossing paths with you! This time it's The Covenant, clearly a slick-chick film made for a younger audience. Everything about this movie is shiny!: the background and sets (due to post-processing) are blue and shiny like algae in a mysterious pond (I guess I shouldn't be surprised since it's from the producers of Underworld); the plot and character concepts are so beyond reality with shine that you almost fall on your ass just trying to figure out what's going on; and the actors are so shiny you could eat off their fucking chests! And as slick as it is, it still only cost $20 mill! It's supposedly an update on the whole Massachusetts witch thing with a gang of 4 superfluously rich teenage boys (technically 'warlocks', although 'witches' is probably more appropriate in this case) getting to have all the power. They go to school on this ridiculously large estate at this insanely "prestigious" "high school" where they have to wear uniforms, everyone gets an 1800 square foot dorm room, there's never anybody around and the lights are always off. Okay,...that's pretty much what Princeton was like, right? Not. But I bet some of the prep schools that kids I knew attended could have been pretty fucking close. Ahh, Money. There's some sort of side plot to this piece about battling a fifth dude who forced his dad to give him all his power (something about using too much and aging too quickly...a metaphor for drugs?) so now he's super strong ("I'll make you my wiatch!"), but since their power mostly includes throwing around CGI balls of transparent sperm ooze (I think they were going for the 'sophisticated' look) it's nothing too tough guy. But that's a side plot. The primary meat of the movie is a bunch of hairless gay-faces who are way too buff trying to impress girls and doing whatever they want. Ahh teens. Chace Crawford (poster child of the closeted gay-faces) was even in this film, although they just told him to shut up and look pretty (he has like 3 lines). And that's if you can even tell them apart. The girls are also hairless (where it counts) and slutty, and they're always hanging out in their dorm room with white panties on. Where did Renny go to school?: on the CW? wtf? Living out some fantasies much? Playing both fields or just trying to please everyone? Oh Renny, always such a pleaser.

I deem it: "Greasy and good for the groin."

And once again, I've gone overboard with the pictures....(I couldn't even post them all; there are too many good ones!)

Dungeons and Dragons (2000)

I don't really have to post for this movie. There's actually only one thing that you need to know before making your decision: Marlon Wayans is in it. Now, if this wasn't such an iconic piece of material, I probably wouldn't have seen it. But I did see it, and in theaters no less. At the time I thought it was absolutely terrible, but now, 8 years and a significantly increased irony capacity later, I have officially rewatched it and deemed it edible (drugs required). Apparently Mr. Wayans also filmed Requiem for a Dream in 2000, and people seem to like that movie, so I guess he's not the end-all, say-all, might as well shit on the film before it goes through the projector type of guy (at least not back then). And with that in mind, you may actually be able to stomach his presence in this ridiculously pathetic adaptation. We're talking bad acting, terrible jokes (I like my women with a beard so you have something to hang on to [pelvic thrust, pelvic thrust]), stupid costumes and all around shitty effects, made for TV type entertainment. But as I said, with enough drugs, anything is possible. While you may spend the first 90 minutes attempting to reclaim those very same 90 minutes, the finale is pretty spectacular, featuring Thora Birch in a sweet-ass, purely aesthetic piece of "armor" riding on a dragon and attempting to kill other dragons and Jeremy Irons in the process. This absurdity is just enough (and I do mean just enough) to redeem everything that came before it. Think dwarves and elves and thieves and labyrinths and magic and class wars and the typical "cantina scene" and the almighty Council. Oh man, this movie is bad. And if you don't believe me, just check the imdb user comments (the titles are enough). Spencer seemed to find it hysterical, so I guess it all depends on the company you hold. Do not, I mean do not watch this with a cynical viewer. It will never work out. Do watch this while marvelling at how easy it is to spend $35 million dollars and speculating about what producers really think is going on in the brains of nerds. Ahh nerds, what a disgrace to your image. Movies like these are why people mock nerds and geeks and everything in between. As a sci-fi/fantasy lover (in all its mediums), I can honestly say that this movie, while hilariously underwhelming, doesn't do justice to the vast potential of the genre. I mean, come on! This is what entertainment film was made for!: Fantastic effects that can't be created or believed in person!, costumes that have been out of date for hundreds of years!, and the potential for serious social and political commentary on the definition and execution of life in the BC! I mean, take it from George Méliès and his "Le Voyage dans le Lune," made in 1902. Damn, now that's how it should be done. The saddest part is that they made a sequel and I own it. Yikes.

I deem it: "A sad chronicle in the public perception of the fantasy genre."