Saturday, October 4, 2008

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Well, after being assaulted by the words of hamster_douche so few days ago, I was under the sinking impression that people commonly harbor disdain for this epic piece that so prominently dominates my childhood. That backberend lordswike is not worth a bordar's spittle! Thus, I was pleasantly surprised to see the generally positive comments residing on imdb. In fact, I even agree with the majority of the points provided. Yes, it's nice to see a prominent black character who can kick your ass and doesn't just get killed off for dramatic effect. Yes, the costumes are awesome; it's so refreshing to see something that not only appears to be thought out, but spread out. It's like the studio finally realized that, not only does it look better to actually recreate the literal ambience, but it's a lot easier to film on location and have open space for horses, and to generally use a beautiful place to make a beautiful movie. There are a couple of castles, lots of gorgeous greenery, a town square, a dungeon, a church, a witch's den and that super awesome village in the trees (reminiscent of a miraculous movie of foragers set to star Costner and come out in '95? Oh wait, it's the same director! No wonder both of those movies are so awesome!). They even hum actual Medieval tunes; accurate and there's no copyright to deal with! I don't know what it was like in Medieval times, but I while watching this gem, I don't even have to doubt their retelling because the costumes seem so plausible and layered (costumes are the primary bring-me-down from the suspension of disbelief high). I also don't doubt that having such a ridiculously super-cool cast makes the movie that much better. I mean, Morgan Freeman's facial tattoos and freaky scimitar are totally awesome. Throwing Sean Connery in at the end is classic and a joke all at the same time. Yes, Christian Slater is whiny and annoying, but so is his character, so it works out perfectly. Alan Rickman is the greasy individual to play such a creepy character (when he tells that girl not to cover herself....ugh). And let's face it: Robin Hood has never looked as good as with that 90's feathered, shoulder-length, awe-inducing hairstyle. Ohh how the middle aged women are touching themselves. Costner sure has a way with the middles (aged and ages). Delightful. Also, retired former head of the British Board of Film Classification James Ferman said that passing this movie as a PG was his only regret over his time in office. That means, despite the rating, you get some swearing, some nudity, lots of creepiness (molestation included), and some seriously sick violence. Hawt. I guess I should have known that I wasn't the only one to appreciate this "time-piece" (Spencer hates it when I call it that. Ha.) since it recouped its $50 million budget 3-fold, and that's just in theaters. And it was nominated for an Oscar (oh wait, that was just for the original song; what is it with Bryan Adams and all these fruity Medieval tracks he sings?). Damn, Kevin Costner used to be so hot (he was good for the industry I mean). Now what has he done? It's always these stupid actors who are like "I'm so ashamed I was in this awesome movie like Waterworld" and then what do they go and make?: Fucking Swing Vote. Now, that's pathetic.

I deem it: "Panty jelly for every generation!; An uryn to the uncunning!; Superbly satisfying!"

Oh, and this is totally tubular:

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