Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Covenant (2006)

Oh Renny Harlin, I knew I couldn't go long without crossing paths with you! This time it's The Covenant, clearly a slick-chick film made for a younger audience. Everything about this movie is shiny!: the background and sets (due to post-processing) are blue and shiny like algae in a mysterious pond (I guess I shouldn't be surprised since it's from the producers of Underworld); the plot and character concepts are so beyond reality with shine that you almost fall on your ass just trying to figure out what's going on; and the actors are so shiny you could eat off their fucking chests! And as slick as it is, it still only cost $20 mill! It's supposedly an update on the whole Massachusetts witch thing with a gang of 4 superfluously rich teenage boys (technically 'warlocks', although 'witches' is probably more appropriate in this case) getting to have all the power. They go to school on this ridiculously large estate at this insanely "prestigious" "high school" where they have to wear uniforms, everyone gets an 1800 square foot dorm room, there's never anybody around and the lights are always off. Okay,...that's pretty much what Princeton was like, right? Not. But I bet some of the prep schools that kids I knew attended could have been pretty fucking close. Ahh, Money. There's some sort of side plot to this piece about battling a fifth dude who forced his dad to give him all his power (something about using too much and aging too quickly...a metaphor for drugs?) so now he's super strong ("I'll make you my wiatch!"), but since their power mostly includes throwing around CGI balls of transparent sperm ooze (I think they were going for the 'sophisticated' look) it's nothing too tough guy. But that's a side plot. The primary meat of the movie is a bunch of hairless gay-faces who are way too buff trying to impress girls and doing whatever they want. Ahh teens. Chace Crawford (poster child of the closeted gay-faces) was even in this film, although they just told him to shut up and look pretty (he has like 3 lines). And that's if you can even tell them apart. The girls are also hairless (where it counts) and slutty, and they're always hanging out in their dorm room with white panties on. Where did Renny go to school?: on the CW? wtf? Living out some fantasies much? Playing both fields or just trying to please everyone? Oh Renny, always such a pleaser.

I deem it: "Greasy and good for the groin."

And once again, I've gone overboard with the pictures....(I couldn't even post them all; there are too many good ones!)

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