Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Clockstoppers (2002)

Well, the first copy of Clockstoppers that I purchased actually turned out to be Crossroads in a good film's clothing. Undeterred, I did, on another trip, shell out the $1.95 for an additional copy based primarily on my evaluation of the cover. I do have a weakness for childrens' movies. And now, with the two neon covers sitting smugly next to each other on the shelf, I look like a freak. Apparently this is the first movie not related to Star Trek that Johnathan Frakes ever directed. Unfortunately, it's not the first piece of 'art' he's acted in, and a 1 episode stint on 3rd Rock From the Sun in 2000 clearly introduced him to French Stewart, who he then proceeded to cast in this film. Personally, I associate French Stewart with a last-ditch effort to achieve any sort of audience, much like having a Mr. Bean/Mr. Magoo/George W. cameo, except here they let him have a whole part. It's especially unfortunate since I'm about 95% certain that he only knows how to make that one squinty-eyed face. Yikes. Another desperate plea for viewers appears in that 'maybe if I throw in words that kids-these-days use they'll think I'm cool' kind of way. Blatant youth references apparate quite frequently with at least 3 EBay references, 2 Pepsi product placements and a soundtrack fit for a 17 year old's 1999 playlist (Blink 182, Smashmouth, Lit, The Cranberries, Nickelback, New Found Glory, Third Eye Blind, Kool Keith, Sugar Ray, The Dandy Warhols and Simple Plan all abound....I think my head is going to explode!) which I'm sure at least 20% of their $26 million budget went to procuring. Dayum. The plot, which I have yet to cover, revolves around a bunch of teenagers, some mystical physics and a big business science organization attempting to create the perfect piece of technology. Basically, this dude stumbles upon a watch his dad and a grad student were working on (forced into aging slave labor by the company) that can speed up the molecules of whomever's touching it, causing them to literally move faster than the rest of the world. What do they do with this newfound power? Why cause mischief of course! I'm not quite sure why or how they were able to help that guy break dance and scratch in real time while they themselves were moving faster than fast but I guess it's not about the science. Oh wait. Also, there are multiple watches so steel yourself for some superspeed battles. In short, bad guys want the watch back, father and son get some bonding time, guy gets to make out with chick, bad guys get punished, French Stewart turns back into a teenager and starts hitting on dude's little sister, dude gets car he's always wanted and everyone is generally happy. Except for the black kid who gets totally screwed out of all the fun. Well, without regard to the fact that I'd never heard of this movie (what were they thinking not sending me an invite?), it did manage to make some money, so it can theoretically be considered a success. I guess that's what happens when you dumb down the physics and let the kids have whatever they want. Ah, the things we're teaching this generation. Also, what's with all the still frames of the chick? Tell me children did this and not creepy old adults (cockstoppers anyone?)!

Final Judgment: "Who knew science could be so hip?!"

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