Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Turner and Hooch (1989)

Who let the dogs out? Obviously some middle-aged woman, because there is more of Tom Hanks in bikini underwear in this movie then I hoped to see in my entire life-time (why don't Disney movies still supply such [un]happy nudity?). Damn, that's awkward! He does it with a chick, and yet still, all I get to see is Hanks' thighs (as white as chicken and about as juicy as your Aunt's meatloaf)! Don't worry there are definitely some redeeming qualities about this movie....right? For one, it's set in Pacific Grove, CA (which Spencer so eloquently refers to as "The Peej" [the premise is true: they don't have much crime there other than vandalisms and geriatric displays of indecent exposure {Toommmm!}]) which is interesting at best (I've seen those buildings before...). Another big point goes to Reginald VelJohnson (that fat black dude who always shows up in the best movies [eg. The Die Hard's, Crocodile Dundee and Ghostbusters! Too good!]) and Elden Hensen (He's that big fucker in The Mighty Ducks). No, they don't get one point each; their combined existence is good for just one solid ladder step on the Tesla scale of awesomeness (is that harsh?) even though VelJohnson is pretty fucking sweet (does that make Hensen less so?: conservation of awesomeness, dude!). But let's face it, the real star of the show is Beasley the Dog, otherwise so fatefully known as Hooch (what's with the name though? Is he walking the back alleys on his own time?) Although T&H was his only movie, Beasley (an ancient French breed of Dogue de Bordeaux [and who says they've always been classy?]) shows true craftsmanship in this masterpiece, which the director promptly holds on, and then tells the editor to make slow motion, and then repeats in dream sequences and credits, making this 97 minute jewel a veritable shrine to floppy dog parts and drool. Whoa nelly! In fact, about the only time Tom Hanks is even funny is when he's fighting with the dog, sleeping with the dog (I didn't know, honest!), imitating the dog (Hanks' slobber anyone?), eating dog food, or having the dog save his life. And that about sums it up. Dog da-dog dog dog (Thank you Cisco for that inescapable riff). Ah the 80's. I guess it was only inevitable that the transition into the nineties would move Hanks away from classics like Big, Turner and Hooch, and Mazes and Monsters (tv) to more despicable classics like Sleepless in Seattle and Forrest Gump and, dun dun dun, Disney movies without nudity. Oh Hanks, how far from the respectable fantasy world you've fallen.

Final Judgment: "Dare I say it.....: This movie is fit for the dogs!"

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