Friday, May 22, 2009

Crossworlds (1997)

I'm the first to admit, I was late to hop on the Hauer-express, but now, I just can't say no! Although, to be fair, Hauer with a didgeridoo on the cover was only about 2/3 of the reason that I bought this movie. There was also this concept of transdimensional travel and a red planet with a giant sun. Unfortunately, the cover was slightly misleading. First of all, that's a fucking staff, not a didgeridoo. I mean, they had to go and get me so excited about the bizarre possibilities of how that was going to play out and it turned out to be a staff? And then the planet of red, another misleading representation of legitimate sci-fi. No, there was only the same desert as in the other shot, but with a red filter. Just because I didn't direct a couple of girly tv-shows doesn't mean I don't know what a filter looks like! To give the film credit, the last 4 minutes are really all I had wanted the entire movie: a military operation in a dimension on another planet with two suns. Other than that last awesome bit, the other dimensions are clearly just people dressed in period clothing. I mean, come on; what's the chance that you're going to transdimensionalize into an era so close to the one we're currently living in? Out of all the millions and billions of years in the universe....But what dimension is this movie living in? That's a whole nother question. Because the earliest date I'm seeing for this flick is 1996, but I swear to god, these people are all wearing 93/94 clothes, tops. We actually did some research to see what "normal" people looked like in 1994. It was pretty amazing. But seriously, another question: why the hell was Jack Black in this movie? I mean, why did we spend the first ten minutes at some dopey college party with Black hackin' it up and getting wasted? It's slightly beyond me, but just slightly. And the Arabs and the dwarf? Oh well; you can't completely lambaste the crazy sci-fi when you're so lucky as to be blessed with a nugget of rocket-head and low-budget rumpus, brouhaha, donnybrook or hullabaloo. I'm tempted to post this other commentary and let it do all the ironic speaking for me (ironic for you and me, not for them). And temptation has won again.

"Sometimes I wonder what the drive is for making a movie. In my world there is supposed to me some sort of reason for spending millions of dollars on producing a movie. In the case CROSSWORLDS I am lost. I am not able to grasp why on earth this movie is made. It is so bad so bad.

Most of all because the movie does not even *try* to tell us what is all about. I can deal with movies that *tries* to tell us something very unbelievable. I find THE MATRIX a great movie and I can even appreciate STARGATE because both movies *try* to persuade their viewers to go along with a unbelievable story. In the case with CROSSWORLDS they just blabber around with scepters, warlords, keys, gates and trans-dimensional armies. There is absolutely no meaning in all this and they don't even try to make a meaning of it.

If that wasn't enough there is so many horrible scenes and bad acting in this movie that it would feel like a pleasure to sit through even the worst Jean Claude Van Damme movie. How about:

*1* The army of Ferris that is supposed to have conquered an entire dimension - but where is it????? Nowhere. Apparantly it consists of two handfulls of arab warriors. And they can't even beat a fat Rutger Hauer - I have trouble seeing them and their kind conquer an entire dimension unless that dimension was populated with blind dwarfs with no arms. *2* How is Joe able to fight (and win over) these lame arab warriors shortly after he almost fell unconsious to the ground and was sick to his stomach - caused by transdimensional jetlag (no kidding). How about that for a sudden cure! *3* A.T.s little workshop dissappears suddenly and turns into an ordinary motel room. But when Joe comes back the workshop is there again - he has apparantly done something different. But what is it?? The movie don't even try to explain it. Well I guess the workshop is transdimensional too. *4* Why did Ferris save Laura and Joe when they fall to the ground after he has pushed them of the roof. Instead of killing them? The movie offers no explanation. *5* What is it with these ravens that are scattered around in the movie? The producers offer os no explanation.

And I really could go on - the nonsence just continues in this "movie". The last 10 minutes of the movie are almost unbearable. The acting and the writing and the nonsence reached record depth. I almost cried out "WHY WHY WHY". The movie offers no explanation.

Rating: 1 of 10. " - Rimmer-10

Final Judgment: "Transdimensional Warfare + Rutger Hauer = No Explanation Needed!"

No comments: