Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Recap! Classics Alert!

I've been catching Spencer up with all of the classic movies that he somehow missed as a child. These creatures most definitely made the list. And I quite enjoyed reliving so many moments of joy in the form of delirious action films. Commence!

Superman I (1979) and II (1980) - Man oh man, these are classic. And they were made so long ago! Christopher Reeve was spry and limber, Gene Hackman still had a passion to live, and comic relief was a must have in any box-office action adventure. I was definitely one of those kids asking why people didn't recognize him; he just has different hair and some glasses! His demeanor is pretty good though, so credit there. But seriously, the comedy in this is over the top, off the hook, out of control: pick your moniker. The ape of a sidekick is pretty epically foolish, as is the dumb blonde in a hot-air balloon. And I appreciate how the director (the second one; the one who used the death of the Donner's cinematographer to completely regraft the film into an even more ridiculous bonanza) attempted to use every frickin' film technique known to man or god. Brilliant! Final Judgment: "Of course he's Jewish!"

Con Air (1997) - If I had to pick one movie to represent action before the turn of the millennium, this would be it. Although, since it's part of a Cagey trio (The Rock! Face/Off!), it is interchangeable with either of the other brilliant installments. Seriously, I don't think a movie without Michael Bay attached to it can get any more epic. This was actually the director's first foray into feature length, and I bet that Bay shut him up with a few hits to the knees after this piece; couldn't have any over-drama competition! But really, a long-haired military officer whose hands are deadly weapons thanks to his proud and honorable service and who accidentally kills some guy defending his wife and then somehow gets mixed up with the worst of the worst criminals who, for some reason, they've decided to stick all onto the same plane with advance warning for planning, from whom he then has to protect his diabetic black friend and the pretty lady jail guard. Woo-ee. And that doesn't even emphasize the heroic drama music pulsing throughout the film, John Malkovich, John Cusack, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi or Dave Chapelle. I mean, it doesn't get any more American patriotic, masculine, beat the shit out of everything, action genre than this! Final Judgment: "Oh Shit!/How do I live without you?"

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979): Okay, so I admit, I'd never actually seen this movie before. Yes, I'm a first time Trekker. But you got to start somewhere! I'm not sure how TV-Trekkies felt about this picture, but I thought it was pretty fucking amazing. I mean, it's the Singularity! Yes, that fucking Singularity follows me around wherever I go! If not the traditional definition of man merging with machine to form a new species, you at least have the evolution of artificial intelligence to a sentient being. The villain is the fucking Voyager! That's so amazing! Apparently, tens of thousands of years travelling through outer space can lead to some serious thinking. They even invented special instruments and everything was colorful and insightful and epic. If I had known that this is what I was missing in Star Trek, I would have gotten on this shit a long time ago! Final Judgment: "Oh the Singularity, how you mock my mortal soul!"

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