In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

Destined for cult status is the way of this frivolous yet flavorless film. I mean, it seems almost unreal that such a vigorously star-studded cast (were they in it for the money, or had they just not done their homework?) including: Burt Reynolds, Matthew Lillard, Jason Statham, Claire Forlani, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, Kristanna Loken (of Bloodrayne and T3 fame), Ray Liotta and John Rhys-Davies (Arturo!) could be so uninteresting. Bad dialogue, yes. But completely useless and unnecessary dialogue? I wasn't expecting that. If I had looked at the cover (or not been watching an "illegally" obtained copy), I may have noticed that, like Bloodrayne, this movie was directed by the clearly infamous Uwe Boll. Heralded as a sort of new-age Ed Wood, he is brutally bludgeoned by critics after the release of every one of his features, and this is certainly no exception. I actually think it's worse than Bloodrayne, primarily because it features dirty men fighting mutant beasts that look like deformed ninja turtles instead of pussy galore. It's just fight scene after fight scene after fight scene. Who even cares? I'm not rooting for any of the characters; I hope they all die! Why give Leelee and Arturo awesome magical powers if they're not even allowed to use them? What is with the tree people? Who let Lillard onto this set and let him drink himself into a stupor? Who in god's name thought that using recycled costumes from TMNT would ever look good? Why won't Spencer agree with me when I say that Ray Liotta is infinitely more ugly than Ron Perlman? And why oh why did anyone think this was the best use of their
money and/or brain-power? It's definitely enough to make you consider the possibility that he did this on purpose; that it's just too bad to not be intentional; that someone somewhere is laughing their ass off that we are even flirting with the idea that this was a serious venture.....right? It didn't make any money (but it could be a long term plan that has yet to come to fruition...) and Uwe Boll said he would never take on a big money picture again (because there aren't enough weirdos willing to pay for this debacle to make back the initial investment...right?), but it could still be joke. Don't be suprised by its delicately CGIed packaging. One commenter calls it "laughable tripe," and I think that about sums it up. This website is pretty laughable too. Even better, the Wikipedia article on the movie ends with the sentence: "Like most Uwe Boll movies, it is now included in many lists of the worst films of all time." Oh Uwe. Bound for destiny.

Final Judgment: "Trust me, it's all part of the plan/The biggest trick since Monica."

Black Knight (2001)

Ha. I thought this movie was highlarious! According to some of the comments I've read, I may be alone in my outrageous assessment. But I ask you: how can film with a premise built around sending Martin Lawrence back into the Middle Ages where he can proceed to embarrass himself, the studio, black people, and anyone who can speak the English language (I swear, half of that movie was just sputtering) while learning valuable life lessons about standing up for what you believe in and not having sex with someone with the lights off unless you're sure you know who it is, and stuff like that, not be totally and utterly balderdashidly hysterical? The answer is: it can't! The stereotypes abound in this classically ignorant misinterpretation of like ten million things. Epic lines such as:

"Jamal: Do you have a thong?
Victoria: Excuse me?
Jamal: Never mind. We'll just take an old pair of drawers and cut the ass out."
or:
"Man, I have a cousin who would wear a man hole round his neck if he could find a chain big enough"
and:
"Ask not what your fiefdom can do for you but what you can do for your fiefdom!"

are pretty much an exact summary of the absurdity of entertainment cinema in the 21st century United States, and I, for one, view it as a task worthy of praise. And you have to give credit to Lawrence, who, playing a character named Skywalker, managed to spend approximately half an hour (movie minutes) in the Medieval ages, including an audience with the King, before realizing that he was in fact, not in the NYC slums anymore (it was holding a human head that finally lead him to ask some questions [although, to be fair, everything did look pretty fake...]). His other accomplishments include a drive-through rabbit slaughter house, new wide-stitch track suits for the modern peasant and the reinvigoration of a fallen hero (not like that, sicko). With a $50 million budget and only a $33 million gross, the best thing about this movie?: the last 30 seconds when Lawrence gets catapulted back back into the past, only to run from danger like a teenage boy from showering, with a final, graceful freeze frame (always the symbol of high-class work), in a desperate attempt to set the scene for a never-gonna-happen sequel that could have potentially shoved some spare change in Lawrence's pocket after his Big Momma's House cash-cow stopped paying up. Oh wait, I remember the best part (the weirdo in me of course)! It's where Skywalker has to prove his dancing skills so he gets all these bizarre bards and heralds to belt out some bass lines on their buisines and everybody gets into this funk groove and dances around. Yeah for (almost) world music!

Final Judgment: "Who cares what you're laughing at as long as you're laughing?"

P.S. Too bad Martin Lawrence doesn't look as awesome as this dude!:

Dune Warriors (1990)

Whew. I feel good about this one. Judging by a complete lack of interverse knowledge on this shiner, I'm guessing that not many people have seen Dune Warriors recently. Granted, this was before the brief rekindling of David Carradine lust that graced the Kill Bill movies, so maybe this was fated for a dying martial arts genre. But wait, there are no martial arts in this movie (wuuuu)!! There's just about everything else you can think of, but no martial arts. Example given. This movie contains: swordfighting, machine guns, horses, a band of little people, grenades, a water war, naked women bathing each other (thank god for the Philippines!), sophisticated bows and arrows, a faux fortress, a sort of New-Age sensei theme (this one's thanks to Caradine of course [what is with the white pajamas and hippie jewelry?]), a couple of Jeeps, motorcycle jousting, jaunty Medieval tunes and the ever popular political uprising. One of the two comments on imdb suggests that this film is just a "chintzy and dull rip-off of Mad Max." Well, let me tell you, Mad Max is way way way better than this. And not just because this movie looks like it was made by some of my over-achieving high school friends back in the day (the "houses" barely look 3 dimensional. And why are all swords three inches thick and one solid color? None of the audio even matches up!). They are both set in post-apocalyptic United States (Dune Warriors claims 2040, California). But, I'm pretty sure Mad Max doesn't march to the tune of a fucking lute. None of these things mean that Dune Warriors is not worth watching. The nudity alone makes it worth it. Also, the sight of Carradine in some sort of loin cloth, open-shirted, pants suit at the end of the film, if it doesn't scar you terribly, has the potential to lift you to some bizarre state of enlightenment (that's what I'm feeling....right?). Trust me, I looked everywhere for that sacred screen shot, but to no avail. For some other screen shots, feel free to peruse this fine site. Oh, and I managed to find this awesome trailer that I highly suggest you watch. You can thank me later...


I deem it: "A 80's-turning-into-the-90's punk rawker Renassiance fair turned horribly, horribly wrong."

THIS JUST IN (okay, so it's a month and a half late...): Cirio Santiago, the beloved director of this very film, as well as many other bizarro sci-fi cult clips, is dead! But don't worry, he will live on in memory, as well as through the post-humous release of a new Michael Madsen pic called, in a bout of originality, Road Warriors. Ah, Cirio.

Split Second (1992)

Gary Scott Thompson, I salute you. With your long list of writing credits for bodaciously brilliant B-list movies (including Hollowman (2000), 2 Fast 2 Furious, Time Cop: Berlin Decision [is it sad that I own this?] and soon to be gracing us with its beautiful Diesel filled sweet jelly of a presence, Fast and the Furious (2009) .), you have no doubt inspired weird college kids the world over. Split Second can also be counted among your numerous accomplishments, my dear dear Thompson. Although, Rutger Hauer certainly deserves credit for making this movie watchable. Hauer's been in like ten million movies in his lifetime (including Sin City, Batman Begins and The Tenth Kingdom), and approximately half of them are super sketchy and totally terrifying (Minotaur, Dracula III: Legacy, Warrior Angels, Flying Virus, Jungle Juice....I could go on, but I'm starting to give myself chills). This is a proud addition to his host of low-budget cult (?) features. At a mere $7 million dollars, they managed to create a fine feature with an even finer feature creature, otherwise known as some sort of heart-eating rat-human mutant hybrid with ferocious fangs and cunty claws. On the other side of good and evil lies a disgruntled cop living solely off of coffee, ciggies and candy bars, who, along with his goody-two-shoes, occult specialist, Oxford educated partner turned totally bizarro batshit crazy the minute he sees the monster and then continually chants a mantra (WE NEED TO GET BIG FUCKING GUNS) until he has flash grenades and 50 lb automatic weapons in his hands, attempts to decimate this seemingly sentient being (I think they explain it by the monster getting a taste and wanting more...but then again he can draw symbols of Scorpio; was he a man before?; he was quite possibly a man before...Hauer's partner?; the one who's wife he was fucking [god damn Kim Cattrall with an awful hair style {but you totally get to see her titties! As well as some S&M style tatas for those of you into the freaky deaky stuff!}]?). And how do they go about justifying such a menacing mutant roaming the streets? Well, the year is a terrible 2008 and global warming has led to environment shifts, such as torrential rains and blackened skies, that have turned London in the future primordial ooze of disasterous and dastardly diseases. Hauer's attitude (as Stone) about the whole thing, as well as a general feel for the film, can be acquired from the following clip:

"Captain: Are you telling me there's something running around loose in the city, ripping out people's hearts and eating them so he can take their souls back to hell?
Dick Durkin: Looks that way.
Stone: Hallelujah."

As always, Hauer knows best.
Also featured is a soundtrack from Francis Haines (Night of the Living Dead) and an unused score from Wendy Carlos.

Final Judgment: "Halleleuh, Hauer's here to save the day!/He'll rip your heart out, make you pay!

Princess of Thieves (2001) (TV)

Whenever Spencer informs me that I'll spend my evening watching a movie alone, I purposely go for those few flicks that I know he doesn't really want to watch anyway in an attempt to set some sort of standard for optimal viewing over a long period of time. Anyloser, this is was the cozy choice for last night and I thought I would share what little I gleaned from this inspirational 88 minute feature. It didn't have to be only 88 minutes, that's for sure. If they had just left those 15 crucial seconds on the end of each scene instead of lopping them off like the head of some ill-fated small mammal, maybe it would have been longer. And more cohesive and professional for that matter. But no, they had to make it seem like a...dun dun dun....TV movie! There was no indication that this was TV movie when I slipped it in (mine was even a stupid demo tape with that rolling script that didn't manage to detract in the least from the constant parade of brown and green), and I don't even think the props or cinematography gave it away (they filmed everything on location at some retro Romanian castles and their surrounding grounds; that plus horses and lots of [more easily recognizable than traditional] forest colored robes pretty much set the scene). It was just that stupid scene lop. Damn you premature editor; go home to your sad sad wife! According to most of the comments I've read, people really liked this movie, although it may be for sadder reasons than naught. One D.C. dotty who has truly rampant reviewing experience (shitty straight to DVD movies such as Persuasion, Masterpiece Theater, and Mansfield Park) sums up perversely over-protective parents everywhere with her words of wisdom:

"For those of you worried about content, this is a very family-friendly movie: there is some mild romantic tension & a time when a woman dressed as a man ends up atop another man for a few seconds (clothes on, they were fighting), there is some killing/death (nothing too drastic or bloody shown) and there is mild violence as people fight. Beyond this, there is little to object to..."

Oh Regeny Ball, self-proclaimed period film aficionado, the lack of those things (especially a pedophilic glimpse of 16-year old Keira Knightley fanny [sad to say, she looks exactly the same 7 years later = creepy]) is exactly what I'm objecting to. More classless critics bombast this beauty for a complete and utter lack of historical accuracy. But tell me, why are people looking for historical accuracy watching movies at all, let alone non-boring Disney ones? Everyone knows that Pocahontas totally got fucked over and lions can't talk! One other thing. Why does Keira insist on being in all these fucking time pieces? I mean, yes, she has a great profile for giant hair and stodgy dresses, as well as a British accent, but...oh. I guess I pretty much answered that one myself. Despite all of the criticism...

I deem it: "A film to be watched when courting motivational movements, (tiny) girl power and historically blasphemous politics."

Frog Dreaming (1986)

Here we go. This is more like it. I'm finally getting back to the films that inspired this blog in the first place. You have to understand, it can be difficult and overwhelming to watch a host of new and potentially awful movies. You have to be prepared for the best and worst and preferably you'll be riding under some sort of intoxicated haze. On the other hand, after a hard and/or soul-sucking day in reality, it's often nice to fall back on a feature with guaranteed mindless visual effects and a warm fuzzy feeling. Hence, the batches of 1993+ action movies. Here, however, I have a grand exception to the often dreary discernment of solid sci-fi. With almost no helpful information found on any of the usual silicon sites, I have been barely able to piece together enough vital statistics about this movie to understand and revel in its complete and utter awesomeness (I even had to take my own picture of the cover!). An Australian release, Frog Dreaming found its way onto the American scene by the way of The Quest, publicized almost primarily on the fame of recently regarded little boy: Henry Thomas (of Elliot [E.T.] and Cloak and Dagger fame). Quite unfortunately, that was not enough to convince people to see the movie, let alone push for its transfer into the timeless annals of the internet. The plot is basically about a really intelligent child who finds out about this Loch Ness-esque monster character named Donkegin. He gets all his insider info from the Blacks (it's all "the Blacks do this; the Blacks believe this." I was a little confused until I realized that the movie is filmed and set in Australia, and their Blacks are our Native Americans [hence the "unconventional" naming terminology and the bizarre shamanistic rituals.]! Yay for Natives!) and then sets out to test his technically savvy theory about what the hell-beast risen from the foul depths of the mystery pond truly is. Besides an awesome story-line that includes crazy apparating shamans, crab-fishing, modified bicycles, National Geographic, and coming of age dream-visions, the movie is totally radd because: a) It was filmed entirely on location in a beautiful part of suburban Melborne b) there are enough animal shots (especially frogs) to make you think you've stumbled onto Attenborough's private collection c) the film encourages appreciating the intelligence of children who've got it and the nifty contraptions they can engineer as a result of it. And D), quite possibly the most essentially epic of them all, the movie makes you think that there's some real and scientifically backed explanation for everything that you've seen in the last 90 minutes, and then they throw in this "wait a second...has this all been a frog dream?" moment at the very end which I think is not only curious but crucial. And, frog dreaming is like totally a real thing (see corresponding pictures)! To encounter the epic ending, watch this clip!

I deem it: "A classic children's combo of bravery and bravado, mysticism and machismo, scaries and smarts!"

Idle Hands (1999)

Well, this one's just in time for Halloween. It actually wasn't a deliberate festively themed selection, but I deem it in good fate that I felt an overwhelming urge to watch something with Seth Green in it and was delightfully delivered this epic Halloween classic. But please, somebody tell me how a movie filled with awesome teenagers (Devon Sawa, Seth Green, Elden Hanson and Jessica Alba [there's a special place in my heart for this daring babe, as there is for any chick you can convincingly kick the ass of tons of dudes while still being hot and potentially bio engineered.]) and awesome teenager music (The Offspring, Rancid, Sublime, Rob Zombie, Static-X, Zebrahead and the Living End [to mention a few]) and destined for an H2O release could do so poorly. I'm in shock! This movie cost $20 million dollars to make (half of which was spent trying to get Jessica Alba to take her clothes off [= success!!] and the other half was pushed into making totally awesome and pretty good for last millennium technically speaking computer/otherly graphics [ie speaking amputated head, Bruce Campbell type evil hand, etc.]), and didn't gross more than $5 million. Pathetic! And it even has titays (the topless prize goes not to Alba [oh so unfortunately], but to pretty much positively a stripper chick with three hands [one dismembered and possessed by the devil] groping her)! I can't believe it. I do have to admit, I thought the stoner image was a little tarnished with the dirty, stupid, can't do anything with or without weed, good-for-nothing, stop and take a toke when I realize your parents are dead even though it took 2 days for you to notice that they're rotting in your living room, I hide my pipe in my asthma inhaler and try to score weed from cops, idiotic, adolescent male stereotype, to which I personally take offense. On the other hand, I did have to laugh out loud, and even wonder who would possibly see this movie who wasn't stoned [hence the low returns?] with such blatant marijuana-lovery going on. That and the gruesome violence against friend and family. He kills his parents! At least his friends get to come back as the undead, but his poor parents are gone forever. And what does he get? A free house and Jessica Alba spoon feeding him. Oh the morals!

I deem it: "A perfect picture of 17 year old males in the neanderthalic nineties (And damn it's good!)."

Ps. There were so many creepy still frames of Jessica Alba in google images...Yikes!

Titus (1999)

This movie is confusing in an veritable variety of ways. First and foremost, who makes a $20 million dollar movie and then only plays it on 90 screens, 50+ of which are in Spain? I mean, did they just give up or something? Was it "just about the art" (Many commentators agree that this Shakespearean adaption is both thrilling and timeless [although, what kind of people comment on this movie...?])? With that said, the rest of the confusion is more welcome and wily, like, how did they get an R rating with this much frontal nudity (and yes, the film is directed by a woman [she also wrote the screenplay and produced it, getting guaranteed control. And really the only other thing she's been allowed to work on is Frida (2002) = chick flick!]. Finally a chick who understands the glory of blood and guts, cock and tits [there are even some mom parts if you're into that...]!)? Or, what the fuck are they saying (I'll admit, the film is a little verbose. It is Shakespeare after all. Apparently, Titus is one of the most faithful adaptions of the ingenious Englishman's work [hence my previous swipe at the commentators]; instead of taking things out, the director added in non-verbal scenes to tie the plot together. Shakespeare lovers can rejoice at a[n almost] 21st century adaptation and [near certain] practicality of prevailing themes!) in this movie? Or, why am I newly nauseous (there are some truly nasty things going on in this story, including but not limited to: rape, mutilation, amputation and replacement of limbs with foliage, impalement, hanging, burying and cannibalism.)? And finally, why is Johnathon Rhys Meyers always showing off his stuff and rubbing it around with dudes in his movies? And why not in Bend it Like Beckham!? Oh the questions of life.

I deem it: "Viciously visual and vicariously violent plus a touch of Medieval speak and blatant bardolatry!

Charlie's Angels (2000)

Another safe and saucy standard to keep my week rolling by. Every comment about this film that I've read (and trust me there are a lot; this was a $250+ million dollar international success after all) has said, (dopey frat boy? voice) "this movie is so much fun if you don't take it seriously." Well let me tell you mystery mister, I take it really fucking seriously. So there. Everyone talks about the plot holes and silly script like they don't understand that it was all completely intentional. It's just one big joke! They're laughing; why aren't you? Oh McG, I can only hope you continue to make/produce fearless features despite your wimpy name (perhaps the fact that he used to direct music videos has something to do with his vivaciously vapid movies that are seriously easy on the eyes). I guess it's a good thing that some people just see it as a ditsy action movie with lots of T&A; I never quite enjoy the obvious jokes as much as the secret ones. It is an action movie after all is said and done. And they didn't spend $95 million on it for nothing (thank god!; although, since Barrymore owns the rights to the franchise and produced and starred in the film, I guess she did get to pick her own salary...). There are tons of stunts, all the action you can handle (including Matrix-esque fight scenes that defy the physical laws of the universe), big and beautiful explosions and some of the most gruesomely gorgeous car crashes this side of the Mississippi. All the while, jokes are being told, chains are being yanked, previous premises are being parodied and everybody is having a grand ole time. With cast members like Tim Curry and Bill Murray (any number of rhyming jokes ensue), it seems hard not to laugh (and no, I'm not talking about their post-male-menopausal bodies). And you have to give the girls credit. Not only did they wear endless amounts of leather and beat up tons of dudes and a chick, they trained 8 hours a day for 3 months so they could do their own stunts! It's tricks like that those that make the movies awesome. Add in a bitchin' turn of the millennium soundtrack featuring a title track by Destiny's Child and you've got some serious girl power. And they bounce around in their underwear and giggle like idiots! Girls and guys alike can rejoice!

I deem it: "Colorful and creamy: my favorite combination!"

For more screen shots, check out this awkwardly obsessive site.

xXx (2002)

Ahhh Vin Diesel. With all the shit I've been subjecting myself to recently, I thought I'd revisit an old classic (although, with a grossage of over $250 mill worldwide, I have a feeling that most of you freaky folk have already seen this one). This movie is one of those perfect for a mindless day where you don't really want to have to feel any more pain and so you pick a flick that provides entertainment without any of the emotional quandaries (or any mental or emotional process whatsoever, now that I think about it) and flop back and watch things explode for 2 hours. And trust me, explosions are a beautiful thing (Rob Cohen has certainly been climbing my ladder of approval with his directorship of The Fast and the Furious, Dragonheart, The Skulls, and that Mummy with Jet Li in it). I said it when I saw it in theaters, and I'll say it again: Yes, this movie is a blatant James Bond ripoff (that American flag parachute was just too much), but hell, everyone loves James Bond (at least the good ones [I'm not looking at you douchebag-Craig])! And for once, they give some explanation, however ridiculous it may seem, for why this protagonist has the outrageous ability to leap over things on motor bikes while shooting people, slide down railings on metal treys, and outrun an avalanche, a helicoptor, an exploding biochemical watercraft and a bunch of angry Russian dudes ("I love anything goes fast enough to do something stupid on," says our unlikely hero). Man, Vin; show them how it's done! These stunts were so insane that people died while performing them! And there's skin! Woohoo! Plus, the soundtrack brings back endless memories of the turn of the millenium (Spencer asks, "doesn't any true action movie from this time have to have that 'let the bodies hit the floor' song?). Oh Rammstein, how many parents you disturbed. There are also the requisite Russian scientist old dudes, the girls playing in the fountain and being flung over shoulders, a long line of absolutely beautiful automobiles, several party scenes, lots of dead people, the nerd with gadgets, and an endless parade of vicious weapons and one-liners. What more could you really ask for (don't tell me; I already know...)? And we get an Unbreakable-esque (scarred and wearing purple) Samuel L.???!!! I don't know if I can take it. I haven't seen the second one yet, with Ice Cube or Ice T (not LL Cool J, right?) but definitely not Vanilla Ice, but I wouldn't put it past the studio gods to push a third and bring Vin back. Ahhh Vin, the things you've done to action. God bless you.

Final Judgment: "Fuck the nerds! Bring back the pyros!"